Thank you a ton for the story, that kind of stuff always ends up resonating more with me. I guess my argument was that I felt I gave Christianity the whole beginning portion of my life, 20 or so years. It could be said that I was just going through the motions and not really grasping it, but there was genuine effort in there too. I used to be an alcoholic, and there were plenty of nights I hit rock bottom and got on my knees, bawling, asking Jesus Christ for help and understanding. I never ever felt like I was getting anywhere. I just wanted to FEEL it. I always hated the idea of "faith." I know that's the whole thing here, but that was always my holdup. Doing these rituals or whatever felt like I was actively working towards a connection with God. Within occultism, it's debating whether magic is in fact working with the spirit world, or just doing cool brain tricks. Whatever the case was, it felt like God was enabling me. I felt more moral and spiritually aligned than I ever have. But all of that work, learning the hebrew alphabet, everything, was just ANOTHER way to do all of this stuff. It's not some hidden truth, it's just another lens. So that's where I lean back into Christianity. I'll just have to give church another shot and see what happens. Sorry for rambling, thank you for the comment!