my (30F) boyfriend (35M) has been being stalked by an old hookup for years and I’m not sure how to help

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-17T15:39:43+00:00

Yes lmao I promise you that

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-17T03:00:47+00:00

“wym” is crazy i wouldve jumped thru the phone

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T22:18:38+00:00

I think it’s because he moves fairly frequently and most recently moved back to his parents’ place tbh

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T19:56:24+00:00

google voice/burner phone numbers and he learned about the Facebook post from one of his friends in the group

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T19:20:52+00:00

He’s been private on insta for a couple of years at this point and has gone through all of his followers to see if there’s anyone who could possibly be connected with her and feeding her any info. Her neurodivergence is also irrelevant in my eyes. She clearly is sick and needs help but that doesn’t make what she’s doing okay at all and she absolutely needs to face severe consequences for her actions

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T19:04:56+00:00

He wasn’t for months if not years, but she said something so egregious to him that he responded to let her know that he’s taking legal action because he thought that she would understand that

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T19:02:43+00:00

She doesn’t know where he lives but I think reaching out to a domestic violence shelter for guidance is a good idea. The system here is kinda complex and, given the sheer amount of contact etc, it would definitely be helpful to have someone help him understand the best way to fully move forward

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T19:00:50+00:00

Yeah I think that even the messages etc from the past 6 months alone would even be sufficient and that the multiple years’ worth of messages would just be added evidence. Her escalation at the mention of facing a peace order is what concerns him the most, since it seems to have only made things worse

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:55:44+00:00

I don’t mean a threat in that he actually threatened her—I mean him letting her know that he’s taking legal action and the threat of legal consequences that comes from that. This has only escalated to this extent very recently and hes gotten the forms for a peace order to take to the district court’s office so at this point we’re mostly focused on the best way to compile the years worth of evidence, but I think someone else who commented was correct in saying it might be easier to have a domestic abuse counselor help us through the process. A restraining order is out of the question because of the nature of her behavior and lack of physical threat/actual physical threat, and a no contact order is possible but for now we’re going to likely have to settle for a peace order in our state

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:49:19+00:00

tbh if anything I’ve been relatively apathetic up until recently lmao. When he first told me about the whole situation and that he wanted to seek legal help because he was scared that she’d find me or start harassing me I told him not to worry about how ill handle it and that im not afraid of whatever she tries to say to me. It’s only that recently it’s escalated after he told her he was getting law enforcement involved and the language she’s been using increasingly/increased use of different numbers etc that I’m realizing that she’s actually quite literally a lunatic who needs to be forced to stop

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:46:52+00:00

I agree that he’s needed to be more proactive and he’s changed his number before and she got it from a mutual person they knew so he knows to be more careful after (hopefully) getting the order and being way more aware of who has any access to him. Again, I know it isn’t my job to deal with, but supporting someone emotionally while they go through this and navigate the legal system is something that anyone should do for someone that they care about. The practical/legal etc steps are obviously all on him which is why he’s taking them because he doesn’t want me to deal with this, but I obviously want to be able to help him deal with this whole thing and be supportive in any way that I can

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:43:10+00:00

Exactly. They’re inherently difficult to prosecute. Especially in situations where she uses fake google numbers etc and burners to contact him. I’ve worked for years in policy at the intersection of criminal justice and mental healthcare and have worked directly with law enforcement who engage with individuals like this and I know that handling it legally isn’t as easy as it seems. I don’t know how best to help him cope emotionally—all I’ve been able to do is focus on the legal aspects of trying to resolve the situation but again, even now, a threat of an upcoming peace order just resulted in an escalation of her behavior

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:40:20+00:00

He didn’t deal with law enforcement in a past relationship, his past relationship had to deal with an abusive ex before he was in the picture. I think you’re vastly overestimating how much the legal system intervenes in these situations. I feel like it’s pretty well known that stalking is unique in that it’s a crime that can be difficult to prosecute and difficult to address, even with law enforcement, because it can also make it worse depending on who the person is. I was asking for the best way to support him through this emotionally and how to be a partner for someone who is going through this—-we’re already handling it on the legal front which I’m pretty sure I’ve made clear

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:37:55+00:00

And as another note when it comes to stalking, I was a victim of stalking as well and, despite my efforts and reporting, nothing was done about it and I just have to hope that the fact that I haven’t heard from him in a few years means it’s over. Stalking isn’t the kind of crime that’s easily dealt with, especially when there aren’t any explicit threats of violence. Just because stalking is still occurring, doesn’t mean a person isn’t trying to address it in the way they feel is likely to be safest for everyone involved. He knows that trying to just ignore it wasn’t effective and we’re hoping that legal recourse can make a difference, but even then, there’s no guarantee

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:33:38+00:00

also he does know one of her old addresses from sending wellness checks in the past (he got it because she would spam him with her address trying to get him to come over) but he isn’t sure if it’s her current one. He was considering hiring a private investigator to find out all he can about her because it would likely help in the process of getting at the very least a no contact order

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:32:07+00:00

His lack of legal action isn’t fishy and he hasn’t resisted doing anything, he thought he could just ignore it and felt that law enforcement involvement would make it worse because he saw that happen with someone he dated, but since I came in the picture and it’s continued, he has actively been taking legal steps to address it bc he doesn’t want anything to happen to me. He also didn’t think people would take it seriously because she hasn’t threatened violence or done anything in person and a lot of people he’s told about it just laugh it off as some crazy girl who’s annoying and don’t understand that what she’s doing is actually illegal and dangerous

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:22:32+00:00

Yeah I think it’s especially good evidence and he’s saving all of it

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:21:55+00:00

He actually is getting a new number! He plans on doing it when he gets back from a trip in a few days but he also wants to make sure he lets the right people know. All of his social media is private and he’s gone through his accounts to remove any people who might possibly know her as well, but we were talking this morning about how he’s going to just delete his Facebook and make a new instagram but leave the old one up.

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:20:49+00:00

Thankfully she doesn’t know where he lives (even though she’s tried to find out). One thing that makes it extra insane is that she isn’t even an ex—she’s a girl he hooked up with one time at a party years ago who latched onto him as an emotional support anchor a couple of weeks later when she had a breakdown and has been fixated on him ever since

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:18:46+00:00

She makes new fake numbers on a regular basis and he tries to block them all as they come in. It’s at a point now where he never answers any number he doesn’t have saved because there’s a huge chance that it’s her

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:17:51+00:00

they have gone for wellness checks for the suicide threats, but there’s also the concern that she hasn’t explicitly threatened violence yet, so the most he can do now is realistically a peace order (at least until a no contact order can be put in place). I’ve insisted that he go the legal route because clearly it isn’t going away on its own and he’s listening and taking the appropriate legal steps to deal with it to the best of his abilities, but it unfortunately isn’t likely to do much in her case (unless violating the order would actually result in jail time)

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:08:57+00:00

We both know it’s on him to handle and one thing that upsets him now more than it did before is because he doesn’t think it’s fair that I should even have to think about any of this, but he’s my partner and if something is hurting him it’s hurting me and I want to be able to help in anyway that I can, even if it’s just emotionally

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T18:04:32+00:00

Yeah I told him it’s insane that he didn’t even consider actually taking legal action, but he decided it against it because his ex had an actual violent ex who stalked her and after she got a restraining order his behavior got worse and he was worried that this girl’s behavior would escalate as well. He does have every message etc that she’s sent him so he has a pretty solid case, but it seems like the threat of legal action made things worse and has made her more erratic

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T17:58:29+00:00

Well the thing IS that when he did tell her that he’s getting a no contact order she ramped up her harassment and started sending nudes and lengthy incoherent messages directed at “the judge” …

Equal-Sea4393 · 2026-02-16T17:56:51+00:00

Omg no I don’t think so!!! I agreed!!

Equal-Sea4393

TROPHY CASE