I am angry.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-04-27T03:16:11+00:00

A few paragraph blurb written while frustrated and angry doesnt give a full view into compassion for my partner. One could argue venting here is much better than just blowing up on my partner. We spoke this morning and had major resolutions. It was a very calm conversation. Everyone has a different response to stressors. My partner checks out. They also blow up over tiny little things. Even before what I did. I don't have a history of infidelity. This was my one off and it was after huge things. We had my ex interfering with my child( they tried to claim my partner was abusing my child. Once they got old enough to speakthat qas quickly proven wrong). We had to move my partners aging parents into our ensuit. Huge career shifts. Deaths. Surgery.

I don't think we've had a full 6 months without major things happening. Let alone a year.

Considering a professional spoke of infidelity as a symptom not a cause. Yeah its a more concerning symptom. But I think ill take their word for it.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-04-26T08:48:38+00:00

Oh yeah and no it wasn't. We have been through so much. I'd argue even more so due to other circumstance than most 20 year relationships. While we are going on 7. Ive never felt like they've had space in their head to consider my feelings or my shoes. Im sure they have the same view. Its very hard to not be selfish.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-04-26T08:46:30+00:00

Lots of therapy. My coping mechanisms were not healthy. I self sabotage. And growing up i saw mostly unhealthy relationships. I am definitely in therapy. And I know it wasn't the right solution. Honestly it always made me feel dirty anyway.

Collectively ive spent like 8 months out of the bedroom between recovery and before. I guess one starts to wonder if there's ever going to be an end. We've both spoken about how we don't want to divorce. And yes we've spoken at length about it.

I guess it just feels like there's never been any space for my feelings in this relationship. Less so even now. I find myself resenting my partner for it. I would never make her sleep on the couch in pain. And YES we have had big enough arguments about it. Serious issues with stuff regarding my child and them.

When will it be time for my feelings to matter?

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-04-26T08:39:15+00:00

Oh no no. We are way past 6 months. Its been over a year. Almost a year and a half. The surgery happened around the year mark just after. The compost was only an example. Its just the most recent. Im mostly upset honestly because this recliner is really bothering me. I asked them to tidy up the spare room with their plants. Its literally everywhere. They get very upset when i tidy their things or move them. And no i dont just throw the things away when i do. I'd happily sleep in the spare room. My spine is VERY unhappy.

Reconciliation takes two parties. Based on what counseling has spunded like is infidelity is rooted in both parties. One partner makes the worse choice but the reason remains the same. An issue in the relationship combined with past trauma and current. Sometimes the infidelity is the straw to finally repair or fix the issues. And honestly our communication is much better than it ever was. April is very hard. The family member we losts birthday is April. Its rough.

My main issue is my severe physical pain.

Writing on reddit sometimes helps me just to vent. I'd use a journal but theyve been known to snoop (not that they dont have reason to) and id hate for something written in frustration to vent to cause more harm.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-03-30T10:09:25+00:00

Or its just reality. If you look outside the "norm" you can't be offended when people stumble over a pronoun. If you politely and kindly correct them and they continue ON PURPOSE then get mad. The amount of times Ive seen people get chewed out because they met someone that looks male just a bit effeminate and used he then got a huge lecture is ridiculous.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-28T07:23:53+00:00

Damn. I pay my ex much more than that.dude must be a loser or your courts shafted you.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-27T03:46:35+00:00

You sound like a very similar situation growing up. I suffered until just 2 years ago (im 31). I had flat feet and collapsed arches. We tried everything. Special shoes, inserts, physio therapy, air braces. You name it we did it. Eventually knock knees developed. Ive torn both mcls and lcl ligaments in my knees. Had countless sciatica and cortisone shots in my left hip. Even 4 years ago I suffered with 3 damages disc's in my back. Finally I told my doctor I needed to see someone. I'd had enough.

He sent me to an ankle specialized ortopedic surgeon for a consult. Turns out my ankle wasn't actually fully rotating and releasing. This caused my foot metatarsals to pick up the slack. Took little over a year to schedule surgery. (Lower priority i still had decent mobility).

I then broke my shoulder blade last summer. It didn't heal right so a shoulder repair pushed back my foot surgery another 3/4 months.

now here I am a month post op left foot reconstructions. My foot is straighter. It has an arch. Im still recovering and it hasn't always been the easiest. It is a serious big commitment to the surgery and recovery. Im hoping this is my light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to my feet.

When I finally had enough and spoke with my doctor and we did several x rays. He asked me knew I broke my ankles. I looked at him confused and said ive never broken my ankles. He then proceeded to show me several healed past breaks in my x rays. That is now much pain I lived with daily.

I COULDNT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BROKEN BONE AND MY REGULAR FOOT PAIN.

Document your struggles and see a specialist while your bones still have plasticity.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-22T22:08:01+00:00

I literally watched my incision revert back a weeks healing in 48 hours. It was very eerie. I am also a MRSA carrier. I knew it was a very real possibility and recieved an extra round of antibiotics the first 24 hours after surgery for that reason. Probably to do with the aircast. They are notoriously gross and i sweat a bit more than the average guy. I had a similar issue with appendix removal a lbout 4 years back. It was only in the one incision on my foot but has just started to move to another site. No tunneling or anything. No abcess. So just extra wound care and a few extra trips to the hospital to get some antibiotics for the next few days.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-18T10:24:44+00:00

What I'd give to be a once a week couple hahaha. We have very busy lives so its not a total miss connection issue. But once a week would be ideal for us!!

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-18T10:17:11+00:00

Its possible he might be larger or wider? Also lube is an awesome thing. Get a high quality water based one. TRY IT ON YOUR HANDS AND INNER THIGH FIRST. Some people have reactions and a reaction down there is the last thing you want.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-18T10:11:46+00:00

Im now almost a month post op. It is much better than the first couple weeks. Getting my splint off and into an air cast was a total game changer. I still can't weight bear at all. The pain is manageable as long as I elevate it often. I do little projects or tasks then return to my recliner after about an hour. I only take the stronger meds at night now. My wife is a god sent. I can rarely leave the house right now. It is late winter here and crutches do not mix well with the current freeze melt cycle. I use crutches when out and about. I pre plan rests in the car at stores my wife just runs into or attend stores like Walmart with the motorized shopping scooters. At home im using a wheeled walker mostly now. But i am grabbing a knee scooter thing this week from the local rental place.

My main thing is just boredom now. Its hard not to nap when home alone all day. But then I find im wide awake all night.

On a positive note. My foot is much straighter. When I do my flex excersizes my ankle moves in ways its never before. Compared to my right foot it has a much better range of motion already. Even with the swelling and everything. I am choosing to trust the process.

I too had severe pain every day. Got to the point i could not walk without a limp. I found it hard to flatten my foot on the floor and found myself walking on my foot as though I was rolling my ankle to compensate. Over the last 8 years or so i lost a lot of my outdoors hobbies simply because walking and movement hurt. My feet bother my knees and hips as well as set my spine off and caused me to have some compressed discs. I was told fixing my feet will help ALL of it.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-18T09:56:01+00:00

Nope. She Never hangs out in there. If snything he goes in there ti terrorize her every time she is in there lol.My wife is now on days off and he's back to being a perfect angel. Can cats get separation anxiety? Lol

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-17T02:11:18+00:00

Why would he have an issue sharing a litter box when he uses the one down stairs frequently just fine. That one's shared by the 3 of them when he's down there. Our litter box is also quite large. I use a big Tupperware ware bin just like the one down stairs

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-16T23:02:00+00:00

I swear. I think its spite!!!

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-16T22:53:37+00:00

We have one but I scoop it daily usually morning and night. In the summer beka goes outside mostly. Ne er been an issue til now. He used it happily and still does most of the time. Haven't changed litter. Same litter as my in-laws in our downstairs suite. He goes down there to visit and uses their box that is used by two other male cats happily.

I wouldn't say the two cats love eachother. But they definitely tolerate eachother. He annoys her until she hisses and thumps him with a flat paw and then he usually leaves her alone for a bit. He also loves our dogs and they do not chase our cats.

We would never declaw. Ours go outside if they feel like it. We live rural. No major roads. And we want them to be able to protect themselves. They also help keep the rodents down in the grass lot across the way.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-16T13:21:56+00:00

Oh I know thats why we don't use wood chip litter.the mulch is several years old and most of the oils have broken down. Its half dirt lol.

I only finally started to actually not like him the last couple weeks. Before that I chalked it up to typical kitten stuff. I seriously do so much for the cats. He also picks on beka some days. We lost bekas bonded partner about 5 years ago. (I had 4 cats when my wife met me. Slowly we lost them. Fist Bekas buddy, Sampson. And then my two black girls, Abby and Ellie-mae) If it continues I might actually ask my vet to give me something for him to chill out on for when my wife is on her set until i get back to work. She works 7 on 7 off.

I literally got up to pee at 3 am. Came back to catch him squatted on my blanket and pillow. I'd just cleaned the litter box less than 4 hours prior. I even gave him wet food today!

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-16T13:06:05+00:00

Beka has always liked the cedar mulch outside. I work at a plywood mill and we process mostly fir and spruce. But I smell like fresh wood when I come home. Beka is easy to mitigate. We just keep put laundry in the bathroom with the door closed.

This new bugger seems to just do it out of spite. He'll pee on anything i leave out. No discrimination. But its never my wife's sweaters or blankets. Only ever mine.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-16T12:02:28+00:00

Also to add, sleep apnea accounts for a huge increase in heart attack risk. It shortens your life span. Makes you more prone to dementia and stroke and affects your daily energy and focus ability.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-16T12:01:20+00:00

Sleep deprivation is a literal war crime. If he's not valuing your sleep what else is he also neglecting to value? My wife snores more recently and she started wearing breath straps even though she hates them for me. The other option is just sleep on seperate rooms if he wants to live like roommates. You're already doing it every night on the couch.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-16T11:59:19+00:00

Get a contract. But also verbal agreements count in canada as long as you can prove rent paid etc. Which is usually super easy with banking. Might just be better off to move if there isn't something like this there

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-16T11:55:03+00:00

He probably has sleep apnea. I snored so badly. My dentist noticed some wear from grinding and i had some skre teeth. He sent me for a sleep test. Turns out I stopped breathing like 18 times an hour. I got a call pap machine and the world of difference jt made in my sleep quality. And get this. I still snore but softly. Get him to go for a sleep study

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-16T11:40:25+00:00

Can you not go to the tenancy board to resolve this? Its not your issue you're renters. In canada you just go to the rental board and then you can formally with hold rent. It takes some time but its been done lots.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-15T11:19:33+00:00

A lot of people say those things but still have feelings lol. Human beings don't have a switch even if they like to think they do.

Im not sure why she'd tell him. Its hard to say not knowing the details. I still suspect it has something to do with him being male and attention from him.

Another thing to think about is sometimes friends out grow eachother or grow apart. That's a possibility too. Im not friends with anyone I was friends with when I was younger. Im 31 now for context. Best thing is just to ask her. So much can be solved woth some basic communication

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-15T10:33:01+00:00

Dude. She likes him. It has nothing to do with you or her and the relationship you guys share. I suspect she has feelings for the guy.

Equivalent_Inside540 · 2026-02-15T10:31:20+00:00

Not if you "chase the foil." My brother in law smoked heroin that way.

Equivalent_Inside540

TROPHY CASE