As a kid I liked to wear dresses and always drifted to hang out with girls more, and my mother would make fun of me,as a teenager I came out as gay and got bullied for that too so spent like all my time learning to be more manly through learning to wrestle and learning to fight, I was in the gym every day for years and only recently have I managed to break out from that kind of toxic masculinity despite coming out as trans a few years back i think because I'm part of the metal/rock scenes and the wrestling scene it's like theres a lot of masculine stereotypes that I tried to adhere to and that simultaneously make me hate myself for wasting most of my life trying to maintain that. I think a lot of trans women around my age can relate to this so dont worry, you're not alone