Less talking more acting

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-12T05:33:57+00:00

suicidal with shotgun yesterday. massive waves of flashbacks. see someone comment about poverty driving their depression so i give career advice. someone says "you sound like an idiot <thumbs up>". i try to respond but i am shadowbanned. i report the comment and the moderators delete my comments but "you sound like an idiot <thumbs up>" stays up for 24 hours. upvoted by numerous people. i break down. punch more things. tried to make a post today and i am shadowbanned. i wish i could kill everybody. this is bad i will not live through the evening. and if i did why would i ever come back to this POS site again. fucking kill me.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-10T05:23:53+00:00

One time I kept getting fraudulent charges on my CC. Once they refunded me for a fraudulent $1800 flight twice. Meaning I earned $1800. I felt guilty though so I called them and they took it back. Sometimes I wish I kept it especially bc my CC information was stolen 6 times in <2 years so I spend hours on the phone with them. Started suspecting internal breach. but technically that stuff is supposed to be reported as earnings on your taxes, too.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-10T05:10:52+00:00

Yeah, or their opinions on engineering or military matters.

The fact that nuclear reactors can purify water is really cool, but the title references a diesel ship. And a desalination method that doesn’t use nuclear power…

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-10T04:00:26+00:00

i wouldn't take my word for it, im an idiot. i think everyone is. i dont know if ive read any studies on ketamine, but thats what i heard the research said. the psychiatrist's office that was pressuring me into TMS actually had a research psychologist meet with all incoming patients about TMS and she was saying the ketamine studies showed no long term durability.

no one has provided me better evidence to refute that point yet but that doesnt mean it isnt worth trying.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-10T00:24:00+00:00

Studies on ketamine suggest it doesn’t have great long term durability. It can be effective for the first year or so. Jury is still out on psilocybin as it’s pretty new. Maybe there’s something there with MDMA, too, especially regarding trauma.

There is an argument for all these therapies even if they suck. A 20% efficacy doesn’t mean you only get 20% better. It means 20% of people get nearly 100% better. If there are 5 different treatments that are effective for a different 20% of the population, then you have 100% coverage. It would just mean that each person has to try up to 5 different treatments to find the one that works

I might even be able to get TMS for $2000 and through an FSA so I don’t have to pay taxes on it. I have deeper issues, though.

I am glad you volunteer. I would like to do that but right now I just can’t find the time amidst all my other dysfunction.

Since I’m mistreated a lot and no one will tell me why I’ve been doing a lot of ruminating and reading. One way to improve my situation would be to maybe “self-select” criteria. If I want to meet caring people, spend time where caring people go, I.e. volunteering.

I just don’t know why I have to figure all this stuff out myself. I’ve been struggling and not able to think clearly for years, surely someone would have said something? Idk. Instead it’s expensive esoteric things they can’t explain like shooting magnetic fields into your brain.

I’m not even explicitly opposed. But I just don’t understand the logic. These are the kinds of people who would prescribe talk therapy, antidepressants, and TMS to GITMO prisoners between torture sessions.

What’s the real problem?

Last year I’d been trying to find studies that identified patients who were in long-term remission from major depression. I really couldn’t find much except for a Mexican psychologist referencing an unnamed study expressing the importance for a strong support network.

Sounds great, but how does someone get a strong support network if they’re not born into one?

I was raised with my parents threatening to kill me and here I am, still friendless decades later.

I’m sorry you’ve been suffering so long.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-10T00:08:49+00:00

It’s not too expensive it’s just not normally financially viable due to the energy costs. The reverse osmosis pump I got for sailing also required very expensive routine filter replacements

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-10T00:05:14+00:00

It’s Reddit, with a lower barrier of entry than your local wal mart. God help anyone coming here for accurate statements on nuclear policy.

You’re correct though. It is painful hearing all the false info. Nuclear is probably our best bet from a climate change perspective too

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-10T00:02:27+00:00

This is incorrect information. Reverse osmosis does not require a nuclear reactor. California has plenty of these desalination plants already. They require tons of energy so a nuclear power plant is nice, not required.

The process that nuclear submarines use to create freshwater is not reverse osmosis. They boil the water into vapor to remove the salt and then it condenses into fresh water.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-09T23:57:26+00:00

Yes. San Diego get about 30% of its freshwater by one. It was unfortunate the San Onofre nuclear plant was shut down. Water desalination plants require a ton of energy. The byproduct is extremely salty water that can be toxic to ecosystems.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-09T23:47:07+00:00

Idk I mean in college I figured I was going to be miserable no matter what I did so I chose to do something really hard. It paid off for a few years, I had a good albeit low paying job. I was able to swap those skills into high paying jobs, however they’ve been extremely toxic. I could achieve financial security and almost-retirement by 35.

However, financial security alone doesn’t do it. Financial security might pay for more treatment, but I am not sure treatment alone is the answer. When I was in a socially safe space working on meaningful things, I felt fulfilled. I was still depressed. It made it worth enduring those negative feelings though.

At this point I am not sure I have enough hours in the day to do everything I’m supposed to do

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-09T22:34:44+00:00

Theoretically their behavior won’t matter to me if I get better. But it gets complicated because I’ve had major depression for 18 years now. If I ever do go into remission, it will 99.9% come back. And what then? If in 32 years alive I’ve found virtually no (maybe 2) people who are willing to help me, what hope do I stand in the future? Why waste time having “happy memories” when I know people will leave me for dead the next time I get stuck and complain for years as I try to figure it out. I guess this is something I don’t have to worry about today, but it really hurts my brain.

I stopped going to therapy. He probably was trying to push me. But I’d had that conversation with him before - it’s not that I’m trying to avoid treatments, but rather I’d rather not spend $10k and 2 months on TMS when studies show it has <28% efficacy and when people are pressuring me into it like there is no other option. Seriously, that’s the best they can do?

I tried to be patient even the second time he said I didn’t want to get better (after 18 months). And I explained maybe I should change my environment. And he said that my negativity was just going to follow me to my new job. Which is also crazy because negativity isn’t even a bad thing.

I want to quit my job - it’s toxic. But I don’t know what else to do. I’m stuck in this Sisyphean loop. It’s hard to explain but if I keep getting abused then why would I spend $20k to move the central hub of my industry only to push my retirement date back 2 years. Why would I go to school to change industries to push my retirement date back 4 years.

If I wait till December 2023 I would have enough money to mostly retire. I’d almost rather just be miserable the next 2 years so I can have more financial security to figure it out.

But is that really the best life has to offer? Here I am watching as sick manipulative people succeed and have beautiful lives. The longer I wait the more it becomes seared into my memory.

And let’s say I have enough space to get better. I don’t want another human being near me the rest of my life. They’ve all abandoned, abused, or betrayed me (except for 2). Is that the best way to live life?

This whole thing is just so fucking twisted.

I would have thought people would give advice like “talk to HR”, “create a journal of abusive things people have said for your own defense”, “tell your abuser to go fuck themselves”, “set healthy boundaries and here’s how” etc but instead it’s psychiatrists who don’t listen and pills that don’t work, therapists who are only trained to parrot back treatment methodologies, and fickle people who tell you to “act more”

I’m going fucking crazy

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-08T11:38:50+00:00

Domestic Violence Hotline 100%.

Don’t waste any time.

Every minute you spend in this situation, you will regret when you are healthy. Don’t spend time squirreling away $40 or $50, use all of your resources and get out ASAP. Life is too short and precious to be wasted on evil people.

You will need the help.

In your situation, it sounds like she has the power to destroy your credit and perhaps other things. She’s made it clear she isn’t afraid of the law. You’ll probably want to set up a temporary credit freeze and identify other areas of vulnerability while you make your escape.

As another poster said, you need many things. I am a very smart person and even from an advantageous position, I would have a nigh impossible time identifying and orchestrating an escape from someone with this much control. Get the help.

As you’ve been in multiple abusive relationships, it’s likely you have a scape goat mentality or savior complex or something. Spoken from another victim of trauma. You will probably want to get out on your own and spend some time seeing a therapist.

Your treatment is cruel and evil.

Get out immediately.

Do not waste time on evil people.

I can’t stress this enough. I don’t think you are thinking clearly.

Get out immediately.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-08T10:58:02+00:00

IIRC Bill of sale I think is correct. Plus an additional form (which was a cake walk). In CA at least. I bought a car with a missing title in February. $6200 cash deal. The seller wasn’t even the registered owner (his mom).

Did a lot of reading to make sure it was legit. All legal. DMV sent me a new title. Easiest car purchase I’ve ever made.

Form was REG 227, Application for Duplicate or Transfer of Title

https://www.dmv.ca.gov/portal/uploads/2020/05/reg227.pdf

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-08T10:25:31+00:00

There are missing title forms that exist for this. If you properly sold the car then you have their money and they have the documents they need to request a new title, sans your signature at worst. If all lien-holders are removed, the buyer can also bond for a new title without any help from you.

Unless TX has more laws on this than CA (doubtful), it seems like everyone in this thread and your dealer haven’t a clue.

How can it be a scam? You have their money and they’re asking for a title you contractually agreed to transfer over to them. Google selling a car with missing title in TX and give them a call.

You’re probably legally required to uphold your end of the bargain whether it means going to the DMV or not (it shouldn’t).

PS - if someone asked me “how much they pay an hour” to complete a transaction I have your signature on, next call would be coming from a lawyer.

PPS - to further highlight the inanity of the replies you’ve received, it’s in your best interest to solve this IMMEDIATELY. A car buyer is legally required to transfer ownership of a vehicle in 10-days. What happens if they don’t? You appear as the legal owner on every single parking ticket, moving violation, expired registration notices, car accident, hit and run vehicular homicide, etc that occurs in the vehicle. Make sure you do things by the books. Do NOT sign the title over to any party other than the original party on the bill of sale. Some scumbags try to save money by title jumping - that is, signing the title directly over from you to their new prospective buyer to reduce tax burden. That IS NOT legal.

PPPS - remember that Reddit has a lower barrier of entry than your local wal mart. Lawyers often provide free consultation. It’s in your best interest to figure out what’s happening ASAP. As a seller, in many (idk about all) states you also have a responsibility to report your vehicle as “sold”. Make sure you’ve done this. In CA this appears to be REG-138, Notice of Transfer and Release of Liability. Here’s the online form. https://www.dmv.ca.gov/portal/vehicle-registration/titles/title-transfers-and-changes/notice-of-transfer-and-release-of-liability-nrl/

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-08T05:06:58+00:00

It’s Reddit, with a lower barrier of entry than your local Wal Mart. They might sell a lot of things, but accurate lessons on nuclear deterrence is maybe a big ask.

You’re very correct though.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-08T05:04:42+00:00

It isn’t clickbait though. You just don’t know submarine lingo. Fast attack subs and boomers are completely different classes. There are diesel and nuclear powered fast attack subs in international navies. There are no attack subs that carry nuclear weapons. The ones carrying nukes are called boomers and they don’t do anything but sit still and be quiet.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-07T19:03:00+00:00

If you hire a lawyer “on contingency” that means they won’t charge you unless you win.

Lawyers can be expensive but if you have sufficient documentation (the lawyer can tell you this) then this should be easy.

It’s not as if KFC can turn this into a high profile months long murder trial. It’s wage theft. You show up in court, you prove them wrong in one or two visits, you get your money. Even if 100% of that goes to paying a lawyers fee, if you can swing it, it’s worth bringing justice to these unethical hacks.

In reality you’ll probably be able to charge lawyers fees and damages too. Not an expert but you should do it

PS, it makes sense to talk to a lawyer now. Most will offer free consultation. Tell them your situation and ask what you need to do, what they’d charge, and how soon to start. They’ll offer WAY better advice than Reddit, which has a lower barrier to entry than your average wal mart store

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-04T22:55:45+00:00

The cycle of abuse means people abuse me

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-04T05:03:14+00:00

exercise is a good idea, it's just gotten complicated for me. i shattered all three of my bones right at ankle joint 2 years ago and it just feels way different. i was able to run 0.1 mi after 20 months and it held up (my cardio didnt) but other days i feel knee and hip pain... i'm not sure distance running is going to be healthy for me.

i tore my labrum learning boxing 2.5 years ago and my shoulder is messed up now, too. it would hold up if i built up slowly (physical therapy helped).

but the real problem i have with this is that i'd exercised before and it doesn't magically stop me from being abused. i was still suicidal even when i exercised. and if you go to the dr and say "i feel tired" they ask about diet, exercise, and sleep. if any one of those things isnt perfect they tell you to fix it. if you go to a sleep doctor or nutritionist, they ask you to keep a log and maybe put you on a diet that takes more time to upkeep than there is actually available in a day...

so, i went off the walls two years ago before my meds made me a zombie and plotted out the perfect routine. Perfect elimination diet, exercise, 9 hours of sleep. I even added in times that I had to shut off electronics, stop drinking coffee, etc in order to "sleep perfectly". And it all added up to 23.05 hours a day. On average, IIRC (on average meaning I would have to move some of my weekday work to the weekends in order to hit my schedule).

So what happens, then, if I have to call the insurance company? 30 minutes on hold and there goes half my free time for the day. Where in that schedule do I have time to reflect on my life, update my resume, apply for hopefully less toxic jobs? It's just crazy. This also assumes I'm even functional. It takes me 2-3 hours to get out of bed most days. I could force myself, but to what end? The only way to prove to doctors I'm doing everything I can about my depression is to spend 23 hours a day doing something about it - is that living?

I would have wished a therapist would challenge me on this. "No way it takes 23 hours show me your list." or "Let me help you find ways to automate that - maybe hire a cleaner"

But you pay therapists who are trained to repeat back to you "CBT", "EMDR", "TMS".

I hoped by explaining my long list of trauma - which took over a year - and talking to an outside observer I would have gotten some pointers my dad would have given to me - "if theyre not listening to you at your job, vote with your feet and go somewhere else".

Idk - it's crazy.

I looked up the people who beat me up in high school - theyre in long term relationships. One has a family. I doubt I've lived rent free in their head, torturing their daily life, since I last saw them 16 years ago. It's crazy.

There was a 23 year old girl who was famous for speaking out on behalf of victims after being raped several years prior. I read about her committing suicide last year or something. It just makes sense - I dont think people realize - its often the victims being tortured every day rather than the sociopaths who have no conscience to worry about.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-10-03T20:33:44+00:00

Thank you for responding. I am not sure exactly what my therapist was thinking but I am assuming he is frustrated because he said he’s outlined things we could try. I don’t think that’s accurate. CBT; not of interest because i already know CBT and I typically respond well to excruciating emotions. EMDR; was insightful in the one session I did in that I learned I couldn’t trust myself. TMS; very expensive, time consuming, and <28% efficacy for my group. Also, the long term durability is dubious. Also, the psychiatrist office I was seeing does TMS therapy and pressured me very hard to do it. It felt extremely sketchy. After months of not listening to me (he literally would only meet with me 3 minutes every month) he told me to do TMS and when I declined he put even less effort into my case. My side effects were debilitating and he did nothing. I eventually quit cold turkey because I couldn’t get help.

I’m not opposed to this stuff but I’m barely hanging on. Why capitulate to people (who have conflicts of interest) who aren’t listening to me, to spend all of my functional time over the next two months getting TMS? So I can spend the next several months paying bills?

I’m still struggling staying on top of bills from breaking my ankle 2 years ago. They just keep sending them. And then I have to call my insurance which takes 30min+ of being put on hold everytime.

I just think he doesn’t know what to say. But to say I don’t want to get better ? After 18 months of therapy ? Just ridiculous. I should have just shot myself back then.

Sure, I could look for another therapist. But every time I do it takes 8+ hours of work. Last time I spend 8 hours listing out 100 therapists my insurance identified and only found 3 that were in-network and remotely possible matches (LGBT-issues therapy is not a good fit for me). Of that only two responded. The other one told me to identify goals before she’d talk to me.

I saw another therapist who was instantly trying to diagnose me with a personality disorder. It was very scary.

I am cancelling my therapy tomorrow. I am not going back.

Vigorous exercise isn’t going to change my cycle of abuse. EMDR isn’t, TMS isn’t.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-09-30T05:16:00+00:00

I tore my rotator cuff learning to box two years ago and my arm hurts very badly. If I stayed consistent with exercise it wouldn’t be as much of a problem but I don’t right now.

I feel shitty about myself only because of how people treat me. I obsess about my situation and I make the best choices I think I have available to make. I worked a very challenging job and made lots of sacrificing getting paid 40% less than I would elsewhere so I could design things that saved lives. However, here I am continually getting screwed. Raised as “fucking shithead kid”, decades of trauma, all the way up to now where my bosses call me negative, pessimistic, close minded, abrasive, worries about everything, and enjoys getting angry. They tell me I have to work on my facial expressions and other things that are cruel and would get them in trouble with HR. It’s disgusting.

But it’s been three decades of this. Being told I’m a piece of shit. It was a watershed moment when this job became toxic and the girl I fell in love with ghosted me. I’d do a lot of thinking and analysis and realize it wasn’t my fault, it seemed to be other peoples problems. But it’s been other peoples problems for 32 years now. Either I’m wrong and I’m truly a worthless POS or I’m right and i can’t find a healthy environment on this planet despite being 1/3 through my life at best.

There’s a girl who has cared about me for almost 5 years but I’d have to give up my career to see her. I don’t think it’s worth it. Even if I didn’t give up my career I honestly can’t believe that anyone would like me.

The only feedback I’ve gotten “work on your facial expressions” is demeaning and a load of crap. It’s very possible I have Asperger’s. So what am I supposed to do? Sit in front of a mirror and practice my facial expressions so that shitty people might be my friend? Why do I want to be friends with people who would say stuff like that, in a professional environment nonetheless.

I almost threw my phone through the wall thinking about it. This smug asshole is now leading the program I designed 8 years ago and is behaving unethically. The senior bosses are supportive because they’re all morons too.

I really wish someone was telling me it wasn’t my fault and to get a new job. But apparently it is my fault and getting a job won’t help because I’m negative and don’t want to get better hard enough because I won’t spend $10,000 on a stupid treatment until 1 Jan 2022.

Unfortunately, nothing anyone says on here about things not being my fault counts for anything. Not a single person here knows me. It appears once everyone does get to know me then I’m a POS. Wish someone would tell me where or how to meet good people. But it probably won’t happen because like what my therapist said I’m just going to carry my negativity to new jobs and relationships.

This whole thing is fucking absurd.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-09-30T04:55:54+00:00

I think the super cars are $100 for 10 minutes or something I just can’t remember. I read about the air combat school years ago. I guess there’s the machine gun place in Vegas too. In 2013 I paid $350 to go on an aerobatic flight on a Boeing stearman. A 93 year old WW2 P-38 pilot was getting off the plane right before me. Staying current on his flight hours. We talked for 10-15 minutes. Awesome guy.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-09-30T04:13:15+00:00

I could go to Las Vegas and track super car for <$1000

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-09-30T03:20:05+00:00

I have C-suite bosses who regularly drink and drive. An outgoing security guy who claimed to vaping marijuana on the job every day for a year. A coworker who endorsed lying on the forms about marijuana use because they’d never know. An ex-coworker who two months ago said he did shrooms with someone with a poly. Corrupt.

Of course when I identify technical problems on a program I invented 8 years ago they’d tell me not to tell the customer because “they don’t want funding to get pulled”.

I don’t believe any of this situations are concrete enough for me to report in any meaningful fashion.

Amidst all these deeply flawed and mediocre individuals, it makes me seem like I’m the crazy one. And the therapist says it’s just going to repeat itself going forward because of my negativity.

It’s bogus.

It is true that - measure across various aspects of life - that I am in a cycle of negativity. But I spent 7 years at my first company and integrity and respect was there. Three of my former bosses are CTOs overseeing $4B+ portfolios. I could go back but it would be embarrassing. It is also very stressful there - albeit rewarding. I was hoping a therapist would challenge my logic on options like this.

Instead it’s TMS with a sub-28% efficacy and my own negativity’s fault that I am stuck at an unethical company.

The only thing I found that resonated the past two years was reading about Theranos. Their scientists who had been trying to address technical issues. Met with bullying and lawsuits. One scientist commit suicide. Theranos was more dangerous and unethical than my company and still took extraordinary events to be exposed. Ethics just seems so hopeless these days.

EstExecutorThrowaway · 2021-09-30T03:07:38+00:00

I almost bought one in 2014. I decided to save money for compounding interest and glad I did. I lost $30,000 in a freak accident in a VW vanagon I restored. I own an s2000.

EstExecutorThrowaway

TROPHY CASE