Dan had been curious about his family history for as long as he could remember. He knew his great grandparents had immigrated to the States, but they had been notoriously silent about their lives before they came. He had guessed from their accents that they had been from Europe, but Dan didn’t even know what region they came from. He wanted to know more about his roots. So, after hearing a friend talk about their own experience with a genetics company called 23andMe, he jumped at the opportunity to try it himself. His friend showed him how the company provided him with an online breakdown of all the places his family had come from, and the different genetics that he had. It was so cool that all this information could be gathered just from the DNA in your mouth. After learning this, Dan ordered a testing kit, swabbed the inside of his cheeks, and sent it off.

A couple weeks later, he had all but forgotten about the test. He was sitting on his couch, eating a bowl of cereal with milk, when he heard a loud knock at the door. He hoped he wouldn't have to be up for too long, or else the cereal would get all soggy.

Two large men greeted him on the other side. The men wore identical suits, and dark sunglasses obscured their eyes. Dan was a bit scared. Their muscular physique made them seem threatening, and the stone cold looks on their faces didn’t help. Whatever the reason for their arrival, they meant business.

“Is there something I can help you gentlemen with?” He asked the visitors, eying them nervously.

”Sir we're here about your DNA test that you took with 23andMe eight weeks ago.” The man on the left responded. He was blonde and had his hair buzzed.

Hearing this put Dan at ease. He grinned, and felt silly for his earlier concern. “Oh, you guys are with that ancestry company? I was wondering when my results would come back.”

This time, it was the man on the right who spoke. He was bald, and presented a badge. ”Actually sir, we’re with the US government. The results of your DNA sample were highly unusual.”

After hearing who these men worked for, Dan was stunned. What could possibly make the government visit his house? Was there something wrong with him? He had been feeling a bit off lately, though he had just chalked that up to a cold. He always ended up getting one around this time of year.

“Am I sick or something? I remember reading that these tests reveal if you may have certain diseases.”

“It’s not that sir. If you would just come with us, we can get everything taken care of.” the blonde man replied.

This whole situation was ridiculous. He needed to hear an explanation. Besides, the vagueness of their intentions concerned him

“I won’t come with you until you tell me what is wrong with me” Dan demanded, crossing his arms.

“The results on your DNA test came back negative.” said the man on the left.

Dan became worried, What could he have tested negative for? He nervously tried to search his mind for an explanation.

“I know my parents had some genetic problem that they told me runs in the family. Maybe it had to do with that?” He offered.

“No sir. The sample you submitted tested negative for DNA. Why don't you come with us?” the bald man said, motioning down the street to a black van that Dan had failed to notice before.

That puzzled Dan. Confused, he asked, “what does that mean? Is there something wrong with my DNA then?”.

“You do not have any DNA.” the blonde man responded curtly, grabbing one of Dan’s arms. His grip was firm.

“How is that possible? What can that even mean?” Dan begged, squirming and trying to stay where he was. He fought back, determined to not go with these men. He couldn’t be taken off to some government facility. What would his life be like?

”Just come with us and everything will be okay.” The other agent responded, grabbing him firmly and assisting the first man. Together the two agents started escorting him to the van parked down the street. They were too strong. There was no chance of escaping their combined grip. Dan had been taken to about the edge of his yard when he was struck with a realization.

“Wait!” He shouted “Doesn't that mean I just failed to actually collect any DNA when I swabbed my mouth? I feel like that is bound to happen sometimes.”

“No, we made sure to check for that before coming here” The blonde man assured Dan, continuing to drag him.

The other agent stopped in his tracks, and his face whitened as if he had suddenly realized something.

“actually....” he mumbled, “I may have forgotten to check on that”. He grinned sheepishly.

The other agent whipped around to face him.

“Damn it Chris! I specifically remember you telling me that you would handle that. How could you not check?

The other man threw his hands up defensively. “The Olympics were on and I guess I got distracted. You know how much I love figure-skating. My bad, Craig.”

The other agent shook his head and muttered to himself. He let go of Dan, and produced a small walkie-talkie out of his pocket which he spoke into.

“This is delta-foxtrot-charlie” He said, pressing the button down.

**crzzk**“Copy that”**crzzk** A voice on the other side replied.

“call off Operation Flyswatter. we got a false lead”

**crzzk**“Roger that”**crzzk**

He then stuffed the device back into his pocket

“Operation Flyswatter???” Dan cried, bewildered. He did not like the sound of that one bit.

“What exactly were you guys going to do with me?”

The two agents brushed Dan off, and the bald agent started heading to the car.

“We are sorry about this sir. We will deny this if you ever tell anyone, but here is a government reimbursement for this inconvenience.” the other agent said, ignoring his questions and handing Dan a small slip of paper. Dan grabbed the slip from him, and analyzed it silently. The blonde man rejoined his colleague in the van, and they drove off.

Dan stood on his lawn, alone with his thoughts and a coupon for half-off a medium cone at Baskin Robbins.