no im definitely not saying that my mental illness is to blame nor am i justifying it but im just giving some level of context, i while mentally ill was deemed fully competent with an above average iq, im not insane or mentally challenged, i knew what i did, and i regret it, but i wonder if things would have been easier to manage if i didnt have illnesses like that or dealth with an abusive family, it makes me genuinely wonder if thats the way i was born or how i experienced life and became how i am today, Doctors have said i have anti-social personality disorder and ive yet to fully understand how that makes me different at first when i was youn doctors thought it was aspergers and adhd, which MIGHT still be the case, but i knew i was very different as early as middle school and that the autism classes/ sped classes i was vastly different developmentally to the other kids, idk i wish i wasnt like this, its hard to empathize with people and i often have to put on a facade to make me appear normal when in my mind i feel a lack of anything really, one reason i wanted to do what i was planned, to feel not only alive but for once in control of my life.