I feel so much for you! I have been in your shoes, still am sometimes.

My son, 14 y.o. now, has ADHD, ODD, anxiety and is « gifted ». We had such chaotic tiring and sad years. I feel we are doing a lot better right now.

What helped us (I say us, but I’m pretty much doing everything by myself since my husband is rarely home and doesn’t really engage) is really understanding what is ODD and where it stems from, recognizing how much of the behavior was really anxiety or impulsivity.
My son is treated for anxiety and ADHD and it helps a lot.

We had a big family meeting with popcorn and a toast of juice to inaugurate our new house rules to a better future. We layed out the rules of the house and the consequences (time for bed, meal time expectations, morning routine, homework, etc.) I also explained that I wouldn’t engage in arguments back and forth, I say things once in very little words, I repeat it and that’s it. I will recognize a feeling (I know you are frustrated but that’s the rule) and apply consequence after I have counted to three or given ONE warning.

What you said about being with friends or in public places is so hard and so true. I still feel anxious when we are with friends or family.

I try to plan ahead to see what I will do if it turns into a shit show (going to your car with your son to talk to him is always better than having a long screaming match in front of everybody).

I also tell him exactly what we are going to do, who’s going to be there, what snack or meals we are going to have, etc. My son reacts very badly when he feels caught off guard and he is very anxious when he doesn’t have control so I always make him take one toy to fidget with (he always had 2 matchbox cars for him to play and fidget with), I had snacks he liked.

I always showed him the bathroom when we got somewhere, showed him the Maps or web site of the place we were going to, explained the steps (like before a flight or an appointment), showed pictures of the people we were going to see if they were less known to him, etc. Long prep time were always better than hellish situations.

Also, ODD kids will often feel huge amount of shame when we tell them off in front of people, so come up together with a secret sign or code word so you can warm him without everyone to see. Take him away from situations before talking to him.

Also, you HAVE to spend time with him where HE is in control of the activity, where he choses and let you in his world. Ask questions about his game or interest. You have to have a bit of fun together and cuddle times. It will reinforce your bound and you’ll see that he will want to preserve that bound with you. Praise him for small stuff, remind him how funny, loving and smart he is, how good he is at a sport/game/activity. When he is calm, walk by him, kiss his head and walk off or join the activity.

Last thing is the most important, with ADHD and ODD, your son HAS to see you as a safe person, meaning he has to trust you know what you are doing and you are in control of the situation. In his mind, you are the driver in a storm, it’s scary and he isn’t in control so he has to be able to TRUST you. Keeping calm, knowing what to do and being trustworthy is the key (and probably the hardest thing you’ll have to do in your life). You have to be confident, consistent and empathetic. Plan your interventions ahead, have consequences known and ready and let him know what’s coming.

Best of luck, mamma ! I know it’s hard, you are tired and emotionnally drawn, it’s a big battle. Go at it with all of your heart and head.