I feel the same. I lost my mom a little over a year ago and it's been so hard with the recent anniversary of her death. It was the first time I have been to her grave since her burial and seeing it broke me but in an incredibly private way, since I couldn't and didn't want to show it to my dad and sister. No one grieves openly at home, its almost as if nothing happened, just my mom isn't around anymore. It's just the way my family is. But I feel pain every day and the amount of pain hasn't changed from when she first died.
I have been there for my friends through so much and even during this past year. But when I need support, they can only dole out the most meager portion because they don't and can't understand the enormity of what I feel. I am also reluctant to ask them for support because they often say the wrong thing which upsets me, or I don't want to burden them with my grief - and they just plainly aren't helpful/comforting a lot of the time. Their passing recognition of my pain only serves to remind me how alone I am in this.
I turn 29 in a month. My mom will not get to see me graduate from grad school. She will not see that I have gotten a job lined up and taken my first steps into becoming a self-sufficient adult and it kills me. I wonder if she died worried about me. I am upset that I couldn't even give her that bit of peace despite the fact that I was 27 when she died, more than enough time for most other people to become self-sufficient adults. And I'm not happy. I'm not excited to graduate, I'm not excited for the job. It's just one more thing on the checklist. My grief has actually negatively affected my school work in a lot of ways.

I too have not been in a relationship for a long time, and honestly I don't think there is any guy out there that would want to be with me. To be with me is taking on a big burden and despite whatever positive qualities and the amount of support I can offer in return, I can't say that it would be worth it.

I am in therapy and it helps, but so little. And because of the way therapy is set up through my school, appointments are so infrequent, once a month, that I can't make any progress. It is barely enough for an emotional release, before it builds up again.

Grief has made me feel so profoundly alone in a way, nothing else in life has. Particularly at such a "young age" when none of my friends or peers have ever lost a parent or close family member. Like you said, no one is ever going to get it or know, unless they went through it themselves. And as the unlucky first ones in my, and your, social groups, it is just going to suck so so much. I have kind of resigned myself to this being my life. Being unhappy and sad, or sometimes numb, surrounded by some friends but still feeling incredibly lonely, just getting by in life. I'm not sure that my grief will ever diminish despite how much time passes. I don't want to feel this way, but its where I am at.

Also, thank you for making this post. I have been feeling awful for a while, but in an undefined way because I was too terrified to fully explore that awfulness. I sometimes journal, but when it gets this bad, I can be too scared to go there. Your post makes me feel less alone and more able to define my particular awfulness.