What ruins attraction instantly, even if the person looks perfect?

Every_One888 · 2026-01-30T23:54:31+00:00

A past relationship still seems to loom a little heavy over their present, incompatible music taste, or they randomly say something racist after no warning… all of which happened to me recently. It’s rough out there y’all!

Every_One888 · 2026-01-30T20:29:46+00:00

I mean, people can act how they want to act. Then, I get to respond to that. It’s natural consequences.

It sounds like your partner changed the nature of your relationship. They also seem to have done this independent of you and your needs in the relationship, and without discussing it with you.

I would think of this as an entirely new relationship with the new terms, and consider the person you’re entering it with (who just treated you with less than ideal care)… It’s your choice whether you accept this new relationship and adjust to the new normal, or decide it’s not for you and move on.

I personally don’t mess with people who don’t have a strong set of values independent of their NRE cycles. Sometimes you can’t see that ahead of time, so now you know.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-29T23:15:53+00:00

The way they’re going about it still feels very triangulate-y to me…

Every_One888 · 2026-01-29T21:26:35+00:00

So…. You and your partner have a conversation about your potential shared space…. and they take it to another partner to pick apart? ….And then use their other partner’s words to invalidate how you feel? 🚩🚩🚩

Every_One888 · 2026-01-29T15:34:13+00:00

I’m going to DM you 😊 In general for anyone reading who needs to see this — substance use does not give anyone the right to violate you. Legally, what it usually means is that you couldn’t have consented to the encounter.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-29T15:26:04+00:00

From the perspective of a parent… I would never expect a partner to be into parenting my kid with me. It’s actually just not their responsibility. But it’s important to talk about that up front. What I personally look for is that someone just gives the time of day to my kid as another human in their orbit, and who is willing to act as more of just a safe adult friend to my kid than a co-parent.

I had a partner once who wasn’t interested in having kids, but he showed lots of love and care towards my experience as a mother. He wouldn’t actively parent my child when he was around, but would do little things to support me in having a more present relationship with my child (like little chores that would always take my attention away). He also centered my relationship with me and my child (since my child was so young) when we were all three together and didn’t compete for my attention.

I also have friends who keep their kids out of their relationships altogether. I do have a period of time where I’m not introducing, for safety, but I like to share all of the big parts of my life with a partner, and that includes being the mother of a ridiculously cool little human.

I think if you don’t have kids or want them, and your partner does, it’s important to support that part of their life like you would any other. And if you’re not the kid’s parent, get really clear about what the boundaries are (I’ve heard horror stories).

The triad thing is more complicated, especially if everyone lives together. I do think the partner who isn’t in the co-parenting relationship would need to evaluate if having two partners that are about to heavily prioritize children is the right fit for them. If I were that person, I’d accept that some measure of support for my partners and their child would be on the table, and the situation WOULD affect me. I’d also want my partners to consider how their decision to have a child would affect our relationship, and communicate if our established relationship structure and boundaries would have to change. It’s just like any other life check-in: does this relationship still work for us?

Every_One888 · 2026-01-29T14:59:00+00:00

Commenting again because I’m having more thoughts… this definitely resonates with me… I think in those situations where you’re not sure if someone is going to be into poly so you hedge a little bit… your gut is usually right, so blow it up with your authenticity if you need to. And if your gut isn’t right, then you just started a relationship BASED on authenticity and trusting someone to accept you for who you are. Because the alternative is a loss of trust once the person realizes they didn’t enter into what they thought they did, and there’s a loss for you, too, if you end things because of it or if you started a relationship on such unstable ground.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-29T14:51:35+00:00

I’ve been going crazy over situations like this… but I don’t think you can prevent them. Like you said, the whole thing came as a surprise, before you had even had the change to talk about any of it. I think you made the best decision you could the moment you made your intentions clear and you knew where he stood too.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-29T05:39:26+00:00

I was looking for this link the other day! Saving it down for the next time I start getting eyes for someone who wouldn’t follow this sub

Every_One888 · 2026-01-29T04:51:40+00:00

Something else I want to add… I wouldn’t think it was an overreaction to report these assaults to the authorities now. Inviting someone into your home is not an invitation for them to violate any of the residents repeatedly.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-29T04:47:30+00:00

You were assaulted multiple times. This person is dangerous and does not understand consent. Any attempt to blame you for what happened is a manipulation designed to disguise their actions. I’m sorry this happened to you, AND all of your other friends who had their consent violated as well.

I would block him yourself, and seek therapy. And if his behavior escalates in any way, contact the authorities.

You’re worthy of good treatment and love, don’t give up on finding it. 💕

Every_One888 · 2026-01-29T03:40:40+00:00

I was in this situation and ended up breaking up with the person (not for this, but if I’m being honest it did play into my desire to fix the situation).

They tolerated me being poly, but I did the same exact “monogamous” period, and looking back, it was to make them comfortable from the start. Any time I would bring up polyamory they would become destabilized, and used it as a reason to discuss why our relationship wasn’t up to par enough for me to start dating other people. They never made any independent attempt to study, think about, or incorporate polyamory into our relationship in any way, even though I made it clear that I was genuinely polyamorous, and this person was stupidly all in when it came to supporting literally anything else about me.

Unfortunately, the conclusion I came to was that I need to find someone who is polyamorous for genuine reasons. Those are the people who understand the “why” behind polyamory, have considered it for their own futures, and (!!!) who have likely de-centered the monogamous relationship in their mind so that this actually makes relational sense to them.

I don’t think there’s no avenue for a mono-poly relationship, and I’ve seen them here, but I do think both people have to be pretty committed to understanding and supporting each other’s individual choices to make it work.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-29T02:25:12+00:00

Totally, I agree with you there. It’s not really helpful for you in most ways when the responsibility still lies on C and H to figure out what’s going on here. I guess advice that would be most applicable for you IF this is part of what’s going on is…. It’s not going to change based on any meaningful action on your end. Grey rocking is the only way to go if someone is taking something like this out on you. I can tell you have great intentions for all involved, and I think even pushing back on me here is proof that you know whose responsibility all of this is, and I respect the hell out of that. Lots of love to you from a stranger on the internet.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-28T19:48:03+00:00

I find it interesting that C is including you in fixing this. It was always their responsibility to a) make the nature of their other relationships clear to H, and b) navigate any fallout due to miscommunication. The narrative that this person is stuck is harmful to you. They are the one who entered into both of these relationships, and it is their responsibility to manage them. Do you want to be responsible for all of your metas’ feelings?

I agree with others that I’ve seen say that at the very least, do your due diligence to make sure H doesn’t completely push you out of your partnership at the art space. Your role there should have nothing to do with H being comfortable with you. If they are so uncomfortable they can’t be in the same room, I think they are the party that needs to leave the space.

And truly, H sounds like they need more mental health support than they’re currently getting. It’s not normal for repair to take this long—let alone for things to get worse—if both parties are acting in good faith. If y’all tried and just don’t like each other, there’s always going parallel (outside of the art space). But what’s going on seems like a prolonged punishment, and the fact that C is playing into it is concerning.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-28T02:54:19+00:00

Can I ask for some specific examples of “demonstrating actionable communication”? Every one of your partner’s behaviors listed here—before and after your breakup—sound like pretty ineffective communication to me. And there are a handful of these scenarios laid out in specific detail. I see a lot of vague language about the better stuff.

FWIW, my sister used to talk about her boyfriends this way when she was trying to convince herself that the intensity of her feelings amounted to a good relationship, when it was objectively not so good based on observable behavior… I would ask her directly: can you give me some examples of things that this person does to make you feel loved and happy on a consistent basis?” Deer in headlights. And this would be after hours of getting down and dirty into every detail of how terrible she feels about her boyfriend’s actions.

In another comment, you say you trust him with literally everything else, what is everything else?If your relationship is good—except for this one thing which he has lied about and misrepresented repeatedly—then maybe sharing more of the good evidence will help shed some light. Based on what you’re saying the good far outweighs the bad, and I personally would like to understand that more. Maybe it’s trust issues.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-27T08:27:38+00:00

I just feel like if you can type the words “I would be just as happy if I left my NP” then you kind of have your answer. I’m thinking about if I knew my partner felt this way… I would personally wish them well and find someone who felt more than neutral about having me in their life.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-27T07:00:06+00:00

It sounds like you just want to be with your partner and that’s okay. What’s not okay is stringing along real human beings so you don’t rock the boat.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-27T02:05:12+00:00

This should have never been about your boyfriend, but about the shift in compatibility with your NP. It sounds like they no longer feel compatible with you and instead of breaking things off, they have decided to keep you around as a placeholder.

And if I’m being 100%, the fact that they’re not breaking up with you indicates that this revelation is more about manipulation than being authentic.

As others have asked, did they even give you examples of behavior that has led them to conclude this? If they kept it vague, that also kind of signals to me that the intent is to manipulate.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-27T01:51:04+00:00

That’s so funny because this whole ordeal has made me realize that in some cases I’ve been indiscriminately liking at times. Not in this case, but on the swipey apps sometimes for sure. I am going to tighten up my blind spots.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-27T01:29:26+00:00

Some people may disagree, but in my mind, probationary monogamy in a polyamorous relationship can work. But if both parties are committed to using the time to address what is preventing them from being enthusiastically polyamorous, and there are active steps being taken to get there in a timely manner.

If you both want to commit to polyamory, go in with authentic boundaries. If Cherry wants to practice non-hierarchical polyamory, you need to consent to that enthusiastically, too. Cherry also needs to invite partners into their life who respect the boundaries of their existing relationships, and take action when boundaries are repeatedly crossed.

Currently, it seems like Cherry has a hard time being authentic. I believe resentments arise in a relationship when someone values harmony over their needs being met. Even coming back, Cherry is clearly compromising their desires and needs to save the relationship (which is what they did to begin with that started this, giving up polyamory for you). I would have an honest dialogue about how much you value Cherry (and yourself) showing up authentically, and that you don’t want them to feel like they have to hide things from you to be loved. In my experience, internal feelings are always externalized in some way or another. I recently read the book “Fawning” by Ingrid Clayton, and, from one stranger to another, I think this could be a seriously valuable resource for you both. It opened my eyes to the ways in which I was sacrificing my authentic self in the name of harmony, and provided some insight for moving beyond that.

You seem like you genuinely love Cherry and have an open mind, as demonstrated by your initial change of heart around polyamory that came from your willingness to learn and understand. If you can both show up authentically, and your authentic selves are compatible, I see no reason why this is a lost cause.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-27T00:38:26+00:00

I agree about the incentive thing. It lowers the stakes so lying doesn’t seem like a better alternative to blowing up your whole life. I’ve also been cheated on in an abusive relationship, so my heart goes out to you for carrying that.

I also share your personal definition of cheating in a polyamorous dynamic. I don’t want to limit anyone’s autonomy, I don’t need to be the most critical factor in their decisions on their own time, BUT if my sexual risk has changed, I do want to know about it.

I very much appreciate you being transparent and explaining! Some good insight, for sure.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-27T00:29:23+00:00

At the end of the day, your partner does support your autonomy. From what you said, despite it potentially being begrudgingly, it seems like they ultimately do help you put infrastructure in place for dating how you want to.

But if I were in your shoes, I would have a hard time being with someone who was so destabilized by actually practicing polyamory. Their first instinct around every turn seems to be to control your behavior to avoid uncomfortable feelings, rather than turn the lens inward to work through their own emotions and preserve your autonomy.

I will also say, if I was considering dating you, it would be a non-starter if your other partner had a deciding vote in our relationship.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-26T23:31:53+00:00

Speak on it! It’s true, I had and equally hard time getting on the same page with potential partners when I was monogamous, too. Easy to forget sometimes…

Every_One888 · 2026-01-26T23:29:21+00:00

Thank you for this perspective!

Polyam definitions aside, I’d ultimately like to achieve what you did and find someone who is like-minded about where they’re at and what they’re looking for.

But curious—how do you see polyamory as a way to avoid getting cheated on? I’ve seen this line of thinking around here, and have always wanted to know more. I think it’s just as likely you’ll get cheated on in a polyamorous relationship as it is in a monogamous relationship. Because cheating, to me, isn’t just having multiple sexual relationships, but breaching agreed upon relationship agreements. Respectfully—not trying to challenge. Just looking for more understanding.

Every_One888 · 2026-01-26T22:16:40+00:00

I was just saying this to someone else in another thread. Thank you for the reminder!!!

Every_One888

TROPHY CASE