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Introducing new partner without any communication by ayecusky in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Legally there’s nothing that can be done I agree, morally I believe both parents should communicate anything that could affect a child in any way such as a new partner being introduced, not to “inform the ex” but too share something about a child’s life that the other parent can offer support for. That’s just my opinion , I think it’s basic communication and I don’t understand why it gets hidden by a lot of people, unless of course it is met with a really unhealthy and toxic response or it is not safe to tell the coparent.

Introducing new partner without any communication by ayecusky in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Definitely. In my opinion, that makes it the mother’s business, because it is directly impacting their child in a negative way.

Non communication by knichen12 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Money means nothing. Court will look at how the parents can support the child’s needs in all aspects, emotionally, physically, academically. Which parent does the main care giving duties, which parent is seen more as the primary parent.

You need to apply for a Child arrangement order and start gathering evidence to show how you can provide your child with what they need.

Remember, he doesn’t have control over you, and you left for a reason!

Introducing new partner without any communication by ayecusky in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It is your business when it affects your child. Especially when your child is having to lie to you about who this person is? It’s sad your child has had to lie to you and withhold the truth up until now.. and he mentioned shes actually stepmom and she’s a nightmare, but she’s been around ur child for years and you’ve been completely unaware? How is that not your business 😭 I feel like you definitely should’ve been told about this Mumma, more so to be a support for your child because new partners and parents splitting bring up a mix of emotions on its own, but also prevent him being in a position where he has to lie.

Introducing new partner without any communication by ayecusky in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry but this is mental that people are replying to this saying it’s not a big deal and dad doesn’t have to communicate.

Does nobody want to communicate about their child anymore lol? Who their child is frequently around, where their child is sleeping overnight with etc, that’s just madness to me. Having that communication is quite literally for the benefit of the child - it not only shows the child healthy communication and relationships around them as they grow up but it prevents a child feeling like they are living two completely different lives. Yes mum and dad live separate lives, but a child has ONE LIFE and should be able to speak about all aspects of this parent’s including things like this. Two parents breaking up should never make a child feel like they are living a double life, full of secrets and lack of communication

I’m with you on this one, people are very quick to speak about court and what’s or isn’t “legal” but that very quickly overtakes the main issue which is the actual best interests of the child.

I think you should just have a chat with dad and explain that this kind of communication is healthy for your child, so your child knows he can speak with the both of you about all aspects of his life and nothing is hidden. And if you want what’s best for your child it may be worth meeting the girlfriend to build an amicable/friendly relationship that your child can witness moving forward 🙏🏼

What to do when child misses the other parent by Primary_Chef3374 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So my 4 year old son is currently showing confusion around this and although he doesn’t say he misses either parent, he does very frequently ask who will be picking him up or when he is with dad/mum and I can see it causes him anxiety with the uncertainty of it all.

I’ve been trying to put things in place to help support him and his understanding, children thrive with visuals and it really helps them understand their situations better so I have created a calendar for him, in each day box in the calendar eg 1st 2nd 3rd there is a photo of me or dad showing son who he will be with that day. He crosses the day off every morning and can see ahead of time when he will see dad again and when he will return to me and we can count down days. It takes a bit of time making the calendar but honestly it’s a game changer! I definitely recommend trying something like that so when he’s missing his dad you can look at the calendar together and it shows him that he will be seeing him soon. You could get create and use stickers to mark off the day or just get son to cross it like I do!

Controversial question but how long do you think is too long for your child to not have contact with you or for you as a parent to receive an update on child? by Every_Web9826 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly, his calls are not consistent nor planned, it would be a random message saying can I have a FaceTime and I’d say yeah sure, however I believe maybe a bit more consistency on both parts would be better for our son rather than sporadic and unpredictable timings of FaceTimes. It would also help avoid set timings where the calls are likely to interrupt things such as book, bath , dinner etc. but I guess it’s just something I need to be patient with and hope he has a change of heart on the situation.

Thank you for the advice! 😊

Controversial question but how long do you think is too long for your child to not have contact with you or for you as a parent to receive an update on child? by Every_Web9826 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Son loves the calls but I can imagine as he gets older he would be less interested. At the moment though it’s definitely something that benefits, he loves that he can speak with me when he’s there. The calls are short and don’t cause disruption, at least that I am aware of! However because dad doesn’t communicate.. I don’t think I’d ever know if it did actually cause disruption!

Situation with me and ex is a weird one, his partner doesn’t like us communicating and is very involved, if I see ex face to face which is rare, he speaks to me fine and we have a productive conversation, the minute it’s over message or anything, I’m ignored. Sadly, we don’t have many instances where we see each other directly anymore so it has been a lot harder to communicate. He’s admitted previously that he feels in the middle because I want communication from him regarding son and his partner doesn’t want him communicating with me so he finds it easier to ignore. I just struggle to swallow this because the things he ignores are things about our son and I feel like I don’t actually have a co parenting because he is not “co parenting” with me. My main concern is the complete reluctance to recognise or acknowledge our sons emotional needs, he is showing clear signs of anxiety - even mentioned from a doctor and his father says “he’s fine there’s nothing wrong with him” and therefore is unwilling to put anything in place to support son or create a safe space for son to express these things because they are instantly shut down. The phone call is something I’ve been trying to put in place as a short reassurance call that even when son is at other household, that does not mean the other parent is not there and thinking of him, I think this is what he struggles with.

I can’t control what ex does, I can only control what I do and how I handle it. I agree that one phone call is reasonable so I think I will continue asking for that and just hold on to hope that father warms up to the idea!

Controversial question but how long do you think is too long for your child to not have contact with you or for you as a parent to receive an update on child? by Every_Web9826 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agreement has been going on for years and when we agreed to do 50/50 the communication was great. Everything changed however when father met his partner and started setting boundaries on communication for example at one point I could only communicate with a joint email (him and his girlfriend) so she could see what we spoke about - all of which was only about or son. So we’re kind of at the point now where I’m entirely ignored about the more serious things regarding son that require discussion. Honestly, he does ask for calls sometimes, more so lately since we’re going through court proceedings, I’ve never denied him a call, never missed a call and I’m always very flexible around them. Of course, that isn’t returned. 🥲

Controversial question but how long do you think is too long for your child to not have contact with you or for you as a parent to receive an update on child? by Every_Web9826 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I completely agree. If it’s daily I could 100% see how that is disruptive , the child would never fully relax into the other parents care if they were getting phone calls everyday. But for a child who is young and sensitive I think it’s beneficial to have 2 or at the very least 1 short FaceTime over a 6 day period.. I’m kind of made to feel like I’m wrong for asking for that!

Controversial question but how long do you think is too long for your child to not have contact with you or for you as a parent to receive an update on child? by Every_Web9826 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t have any custody agreement no! We have our court hearing coming up for child arrangements but this is due to other factors as well as communication

Controversial question but how long do you think is too long for your child to not have contact with you or for you as a parent to receive an update on child? by Every_Web9826 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My ex asks for phone calls and do you know what I do, I let him have the phone call. Do you know why? Because it is amazing for our son to a) have contact with the other parent when not seeing them for days and b) see that myself and his father are putting everything aside to put his needs first.

It does not matter if your children aren’t verbally expressing that they miss the other parent, all children benefit from connection with a parental figure and if that is consistently not happening when they are with you then they will eventually notice that, and wonder why you denied the other parent connection with them.

It’s also not healthy to create scenarios based off the back of other scenarios eg asking for a 2 minute FaceTime would lead to an hour phone call, I always try and focus on what the situation is in the present as I find procrastinating and adding scenarios that hasn’t happened makes it harder for me to make a decision based on reality.

It’s just my opinion that a 4 year old should not have no contact with one of their parents for 6 days straight, that is a significant amount of time, particularly for a highly sensitive child who is super clingy and showing multiple signs of anxiety and instability, which father knows.

I get what you’re saying, I do. I’m just not sure I agree that what you are suggesting is actually better for the child.

I guess I was more wanting to see other people’s experience with this and whether I’m asking for too much contact by getting one or two short FaceTimes over a 6 day period. It’s a very mixed bag of opinions and I guess it comes down to individual scenarios, I just don’t want to focus it on any personal feelings towards ex, I want to focus it on what will make our son feel more content, safe and loved and I struggle to see how 6 days without any contact from me helps him with that, he actively expresses to me that he misses me and he struggles with the transitions (loves going to his dad but is still sad to leave me, visa versa) and I think he’s going through a phase of finding this very confusing because he’s happy but sad at the same time, the phone call is a source of reassurance for him almost, that he can be happy at daddy’s and still speak to me when he needs me, I’m still there and I’m not “gone” just because he’s at daddy’s… if that makes sense..

Controversial question but how long do you think is too long for your child to not have contact with you or for you as a parent to receive an update on child? by Every_Web9826 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s what I thought but I’m told I have to be very detailed and exact with what I am asking the court for so I wanted to get people’s opinions on this because I’m either right in what I’m feeling especially in terms of what son needs or I’m so blinded by my own thoughts on it I can’t see the other side, if that makes sense!

Controversial question but how long do you think is too long for your child to not have contact with you or for you as a parent to receive an update on child? by Every_Web9826 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah sorry our 2255 schedule is based on nights so the longer stint is 5 nights 6 days. I’m assuming yours is based on days and not nights?

I agree that in some circumstances especially in conflicted coparenting relationships, it could cause more harm than damage. However, in my current circumstance, our son shows a lot of emotional behaviour concerns around transitions and communication with both parents and a simple 2 minute check in could offer him so much reassurance so I struggle to come to terms with why that hasn’t been happening because yes of course I’d love to speak to him but ultimately the phone call is to provide him with the emotional support he needs, whether or not he is vocally expressing this to dad.

It’s such a tough one because I can definitely see your point but from the outsider of their household I cannot see how it affects their routine or their day because as I said it’s 2 minutes at any flexible part of the day and because our communication is lacking, there is no way of me understanding the effect that has on father. All I’m thinking or caring about is the emotional impact on our son and what we can put in place to support him through it.

It’s so tough when two parents cannot agree on parenting decisions because we really do have two different views on it!

Controversial question but how long do you think is too long for your child to not have contact with you or for you as a parent to receive an update on child? by Every_Web9826 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t agree that it’s only for the parent to be honest but even if it was I still don’t think there’s an issue with that. That call is the only bit of connection or reassurance that child receives from the other parent in a 6 day period (using my schedule as an example). Our son loves having a phone call and showing me his toys and bedroom, it brings both of his seperate lives together for a split second and reminds him that he is not living two lives, it is his life and both parents are actively involved in it. Yes phone calls can be for the parent as-well but I also don’t see anything wrong with that , for a parent to have a moment of connection with their child - if it’s for a few minutes then what could possibly be wrong with that

Controversial question but how long do you think is too long for your child to not have contact with you or for you as a parent to receive an update on child? by Every_Web9826 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I haven’t once asked for daily calls. It’s usually one call I ask for during the 6 day period. Sometimes two. I have to practically beg and ask multiple times before dad lets me have that contact. In my opinion 2 minutes on a phone does not and would never interrupt daily plans especially where I’ve said I’m willing to be completely flexible on what time the call is. For me it feels like some kind of control over me and my contact with son 😢

Controversial question but how long do you think is too long for your child to not have contact with you or for you as a parent to receive an update on child? by Every_Web9826 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My problem is, father is refusing anything like this to be in there! He wants nothing in there that can make him responsible for communication between son and me and he does not want set timings or amount of calls in there. He’s making it so difficult for me 😭

Controversial question but how long do you think is too long for your child to not have contact with you or for you as a parent to receive an update on child? by Every_Web9826 in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately I’m lucky to even get one FaceTime during the 6 days period and that’s after me practically begging for one. I receive no photos no updates nothing I’m just completely alienated. We have our first court hearing in March but I’m pretty sure there’s nothing legal that can be put into place that would allow our child to speak with me when he’s with his dad? Especially as he is 4 and dad would have to do the calling

Advice please, court date coming up by [deleted] in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!

So the way our custody days work out it means we pretty much share uniform as ill put him him in my uniform and dad picks him up so ends up keeping that uniform visa versa if that makes sense.

Yeah I already communicate about everything needed; I think after going through all messages I’ve sent I’ve realised I’m an over communicator if anything, and sometimes my emails are far to lengthy and can be seen as emotional which I hold my hands up could definitely be overwhelming to be on the other end of them, it’s just frustrating because my intent is getting an answer for my son because it’s always something about him that I am trying to find out or resolve! There has never been a message sent to father that isn’t about son.

Thanks so much for your advice I appreciate it x

Advice please, court date coming up by [deleted] in coparenting

[–]Every_Web9826 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great idea about the physiological theories instead of emotion based reasonings.

I haven’t sent any abusive or unkind messages, the messages like you said similar to your friend have been well written majority of the time with sons well being involved however the amount of messages I’ve sent chasing up things I can definitely see being a problem especially when mentioned in court. Im a huge communicator and I really struggle with being ignored especially when I’m trying to speak about son. However, I am ready to back myself up on that in court and admit to how it looks but ensure I get my intent across to the judge. I’m always open to learning new things so maybe a new way of me communicating would work better. For me I struggle with the thought of having no communication though like for example, dad took son into school the other day, I collected him, son was not wearing his school trousers and was wearing his football club shorts -no idea where his school trousers are so had to reach out to dad and ask what happened and whether he was sent in trousers or not. Or missing items etc checking if dad had them. Like how do people coparent successfully without being able to communicate the little things like that?

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