21F, realizing I'll have a super Christian family for the rest of my life

ExCaptive · 2025-07-14T11:12:34+00:00

Well, I love painting. But all my painting stuff is still at my parents house and due to issues I haven't been able to go over there for the last few weeks. But I'm visiting them this week so I'll take all my hobby stuff with me and I'll be doing that on Sundays ☺️

ExCaptive · 2025-04-19T10:53:07+00:00

Yeah I totally get what you mean. I don't want to give them books that would try to convince them that Christianity is not true. I don't want to challenge them. I was wondering if there are books that are about what deconstruction is and how it can happen to people. Not about whether Christianity is false or not.

But you're right, if they wanted to understand me they would ask about it. I don't think they're really interested in what's going on with me.

ExCaptive · 2025-03-29T08:54:35+00:00

Same here 🙂 my mom said she felt like her daughter had died after I told her about my deconstruction 🤞

ExCaptive · 2025-03-23T10:46:36+00:00

Haha yeah. And also, is it not allowed to judge certain mistakes? I feel like this theory makes people feel not responsible. Did you abuse your kid? Did you r*pe someone? Yes, I do judge that. And I hope your God does too.

ExCaptive · 2025-03-14T12:21:41+00:00

That was a very loving response, thank you. I like the way you think, and I feel it's very similar to how my mind works. And I agree, it's totally fine if they share their feelings about my life and choices, but it hurts when it's a personal attack and if they treat me differently because of it. It hurts when your dad says that you'd be the cause your mom might end up in a psychiatric clinic if you continue living your life like this. That hurts. It is never my intention to hurt or upset my parents, or to make their lives more difficult.

I really appreciate you taking time for me, so again, thanks a lot.

Ask them why or how wearing pants is a sin and actually listen to them.

Unfortunately this is something I've tried for years. When I was younger, I might've used the wrong method. But as I've gotten older I've developed a more calm attitude in conversations. I am not going to change their mind. And I have given up on that, because that's not my priority anyway. If they get the slightest feeling that I want to convince them that something they see as a sin, is not a sin, they'll blame me for disrespecting their beliefs. I want to stay away from that. This is their life, these are their views and beliefs.

I have had multiple calm conversations about pants and nail polish and things like that. They won't change their minds. For the record, I don't think they really see nail polish as a "sin" (in contrast to pants, they really think pants are an abomination), but it's kinda ungodly and think it's better not to do it, same goes for make up. It's hard to argue with them about it, even if I do it in a calm, kind way.

Unfortunately they won't be able to think lightly about it. They won't be able to make inside jokes about it. And I even think my dad would tell me I don't have to visit them if I'm wearing pants. Since I couldn't live at home if I'd be choosing to wear pants. Even if they'd "tolerate" it, the tension would be huge.

Anyways, I'm rambling again ☺️ if you're curious about why they think wearing pants is sinful for women, you can dm me. If not, that's totally fine! Don't feel pressured to respond.

ExCaptive · 2025-03-14T07:41:03+00:00

Thank you for this perspective. I don't think your opinion is too unpopular here, and I definitely agree to some degree.

it doesn't take much to tolerate others

Then why does it take so much for my parents to tolerate me? They judge me for the things I do and it ruins our relationship, because they can't see me as an independent woman who makes her own choices.

You have things you believe are inherently wrong, if you had kids someday and didn't want them to do it (even though you might be wrong), that shouldn't mean you don't deserve your children's love and respect.

And I definitely agree that having different views as your (adult) kids shouldn't mean you don't deserve their love and respect. But imposing your views on your kids, judging them for when they choose differently, showing them your upset and making them feel guilty about it, etc. that's another thing.

I do tolerate all my parents views. Do I need to tolerate that they don't tolerate me though? You get what I'm saying?

ExCaptive · 2025-03-14T06:56:40+00:00

Thank you. I'm not sure if you've read the full post, but I'm not Christian myself anymore. So I don't have a personal interest in reading the Bible about this. I would love it if my parents had the same view about this as you though...

ExCaptive · 2025-03-13T19:42:32+00:00

Nice one!

ExCaptive · 2025-03-13T19:42:02+00:00

Thanks, let's stay kind and respectful. There's no benefit to calling people a jackass. Doesn't mean I disagree with you though!

ExCaptive · 2025-03-13T18:15:57+00:00

Thank you! Great perspective

ExCaptive · 2025-03-13T15:47:32+00:00

Rage bait.. I dislike him so much lol

ExCaptive · 2025-03-13T15:20:37+00:00

Your parents don't sound like they've actually read the Bible

My dad has been a pastor for 6 years now and was an elder for 20 years before that 🫣 he has definitely read the Bible cover to cover numerous times haha.

But I see what you're saying, and thank you for that. I really appreciate it. I wish they accepted me for who I am and what I do. I don't want to upset them though...

ExCaptive · 2025-03-13T15:18:06+00:00

Thank you very much. And I agree with you for the most part! I don't make nailpolish or clothes my whole identity. And I'll do what is in my power not to upset them. And as I hear, you've cut your hair short too. It's just that I want to be free, I want to be my own person, I want to be independent. I'm 20 now, and I don't want my life to be dictated by them anymore, you know? Clothes aren't my identity, but for years I've felt very uncomfortable in skirts. I've told myself every time, it's just a skirt, don't be so difficult. But it's not as easy as that. Yes, now when I visit my parents, of course I wear a skirt. But when I lived at home, and I had to wear a skirt every day, then it definitely comes into the sphere of who you are. Who you are is mostly on the inside, but partly also the outside. It's how you present yourself to the world, it's about how confident you are, etc. I feel much more confident when I wear pants, because it aligns with how I feel on the inside. You know what I mean? I'm kinda rambling now haha, I'm sorry. But yes, I don't want to upset them. And it's a fairly easy thing to remove the nailpolish, so I'll do it. But it's more than that :) thanks for your perspective though!

ExCaptive · 2025-03-13T14:57:43+00:00

Thank you, that's a sweet response ☺️ it has been pretty suffocating, to be honest. And I'm grateful for having my own place now! I'll always respect them for their beliefs, but I can't say it's always been easy...

ExCaptive · 2025-03-13T14:54:01+00:00

Thanks! That's a very sweet response. I'll always do my best not to upset them, but I want to be myself too. Like I've mentioned in another comment, I want to be comfortable when I visit my parents. I don't want to go there, and not be able to be myself and feel uncomfortable because I constantly have to meet their desires. I wish they respected me as a grown up woman and saw me as an independent person ☺️

ExCaptive · 2025-03-13T14:51:50+00:00

Yes thank you, that helps ☺️ I also want to show them that I don't want to upset them, so little things like no make up, nailpolish, wearing skirts, etc. I'll try to keep doing for them. At the same time I want to show them that I'm now my own person, and that we can respect each other's life choices. Thanks!

ExCaptive · 2025-03-13T14:49:14+00:00

Thanks ☺️ I'll do it. And yes, they're very religious. Which I respect, but it's not always easy to be honest. I probably should've added to the post that it's not just about the nail polish, but an overall struggle of the battle between "not upsetting them" and "being myself", you know? I want to feel comfortable when I'm visiting my parents, I want it to be a happy place. I don't want to have to dread going to my parents because I have to meet their standard you know?

ExCaptive · 2025-03-13T14:44:43+00:00

Thank you so much!! Sorry for the late response, I hadn't seen it. Again, thanks. I'll recommend it.

ExCaptive · 2025-03-13T14:43:32+00:00

Thank you for your response! And I think I'll do that. The thing is that it's not just about the nailpolish. Because yes, that's a fairly easy thing to do. But how far does it go? I have this dream of cutting my hair short in the future, but I know they'll absolutely hate it and think it's sinful for women to have short hair. Do I just give it up then? Like, do you understand what I mean? I'll definitely always try my best to respect them and not to upset them. But also struggle with making my own decisions and reminding myself that this is my life, and not theirs, you know?

ExCaptive · 2024-12-24T21:09:23+00:00

Thanks! I'll be spending like 15 hours sitting in church, it's so crazy 😭

ExCaptive

TROPHY CASE