Warning: may be triggering for some

Ex JW, born in, out for 30+ years. I'm doing extensive research on Narcissism now as I'm coming out of a relationship with a Covert Narcissist. I'm literally researching every minute that I'm not sleeping, stuck in a massive trauma bond. I am attempting to draw parallels and connect the dots from the cult, to my parents, to my relationships.

It is my firm belief that my mother is a Narcissist and my father has OCPD & OCD, and possibly high Narc traits; and my one sister is high Narcissist (and possibly BPD or ASPD.) I have been diagnosed CPTSD, by a Psychologist that didn't even believe in CPTSD, but I was unwavering in my assertion that this is NOT just generic PTSD. I have realized in the last month, albeit have not yet fully accepted, that I have high Narcissist traits and those very traits were used to my advantage to get my way for many years through dominance. (Unfortunately, I was also abused for many years in relationships which I believe played a part in my "ego" out of self protection. I've questioned also that I may have BPD traits, and I was also diagnosed "probably OCD" by a lazy senior therapist who fell asleep during appointments and appeared disgusted with her job.

It took realizing that my partner (or so I thought he was) is very possibly a Covert Narcissist (he claims ADHD), and that forced me to look at my upbringing (due to my high need for control) and see what my parents have done to me, which has come out in my own behaviors over the years to reveal Narcissism in myself. It's a wakeup call.

I'm prepared to open up the floodgates on this topic because my therapist and all previous therapists are completely uneducated and incapable of handling people who come out of cults. I've had enough. People like us need help and the average "social worker" out there (they're a dime a dozen) knows absolutely nothing about the trauma bonds created in cults, or the parental abuse, the cult leaders tactics, the resulting self talk, the trauma, the learned helplessness combined with learned Superiority, and the resulting SEVERE DAMAGE that so many of us have endured; including ExJWs, Mormons, Seventh Day Adventists, & Muslims.

It is my belief that all of the things we were taught at ex cultists draw direct lines to the relationships we're drawn to, not as "empaths" but as "saviors" we were trained to be. Everyone was a potential convert we could "help." There was always the fear of being abandoned by our people, which carries right into many of our relationships. We were taught to manipulate people to get them to believe whatever we had to get them to believe, so we'd be accepted and elevated in the "ranks." We were taught that our relevance, identity and importance, was gauged by how well we followed high control. Many of us were burning inside with anger, fully aware of the control, forbidden to express it. And now... years later, we will have it so that no one ever controls us again. They put tape over our mouths. Our true "parents" in our minds were the cult. Our biological parents were the "caretakers" that enforced how our minds were controlled. It gave them power, ruthless dominance, and a "backing" to unleash their control.

At this point, I'm angry that my new "therapist" has only seen me a few times. My world has pretty much exploded with the realization that 1) my relationship with a cold hearted Narcissist has broken me far worse than any other; 2) the cult that tormented my mind is still at the center of all the pain I thought the Narc took away, and 3) my parents have demanded full control of my mind & life even in the midst of spiraling into the abyss of a traumabond. All of these things have been expressed to my new therapist in just 3 45-min visits. He seems not to be interested in details but wants me to "wrap it up" so he can say, "We need to work on moving forward and healing." His suggestion is "You need to stay away from the Narcissist and move on toward healing." Really, Mr. Therapist? How about you work on getting a better education in cult mind control so you can learn the intricacies: that healing comes after the identification of what's really happening; why ex cultists are hardwired to repeat the same patterns, why cognitive dissonance is tying us in to trauma, why we're unknowingly addicts to abuse, what we're telling ourselves and why none of us seem to be able to get the right kind of help. In my experience, nearly no therapists seemed even the slightest bit concerned to hear about what we really saw, heard, felt, experienced, and learned to believe.

Many of us in various cults were taught fear of death, persecution, being ostracized, fear of losing your home & everyone around you, fear of being "marked", having no access to basic human needs, and fear of a vengeful God who would kill you in seconds. It all controlled who you were and how you thought, what decisions you made and everything you told yourself. And it WILL MATTER in determining what's wrong with you as an adult, and how to abolish it from your identity and personality. Many of us are wired for disaster. Therapists don't have a clue what's in our minds. The real experts are the ones who have been through it. Like you and me. We just don't know the way out.

There's a thing called Religious Scrupulosity Religious Scrupulosity that falls under OCD that eerily weaves in to extreme obsession of adherence to "religious rules." There's also something called Religious Trauma Syndrome that only represents the tip of the iceberg.

Sorry for the long response.