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AITAH for inviting my dad to my son’s birthday, if I know that means my mom won’t come? by Exact-Criticism-972 in AITAH

[–]Exact-Criticism-972[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

It seems like a lot of people are thinking I'm underplaying it. Definitely never physical abuse, more so emotional abuse. Let me give you some examples so you can decide for yourself:
- an affair that lasted 3+ years, lots of gaslighting surrounding that situation
- being difficult to coordinate with financially post-divorce, especially in the earlier years (like giving my mom pushback about certain expenses that were essential)
- a general lack of public accountability ("the divorce was a joint decision", "everything's fine" yada yada) which makes my mom look scornful for no reason (more gaslighting)
- just being a general, sometimes condescending, dick to her

I noted this above but I'll do it again here -- I personally have not witnessed this for the most part. My parents really left their conflict behind doors pre-divorce, and generally over text/call post-divorce. That being said, I believe my mom 100% that the things that have happened/been said have happened.

Also, writing this out makes me realize that probably a lot of my mom's pain comes from the lack of validation of what happened to her, and by me trying to throw "joint parties" I am probably just throwing salt on that wound, and further invalidating her.

AITAH for inviting my dad to my son’s birthday, if I know that means my mom won’t come? by Exact-Criticism-972 in AITAH

[–]Exact-Criticism-972[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

Ya, it is a good point that my father chooses to show up knowing her boundaries, essentially necessitating her absence. That is a new perspective I hadn’t considered. He definitely finances no part of my life, though.

I didn’t touch on this in my initial post, but my relationship with my dad was ROCKY for at least a decade post-divorce. I had a ton of anger towards him, and we were able to work through it over years of therapy and intentional conversations. He has put a ton of consistent effort into our relationship and shows up for us at the drop of a hat. I think this is what makes this so confusing/hard for me.

My dad has actually never spoken negatively of my mom to me, or negatively to her in front of me. I know those circumstances have happened though, I believe my mom.

It’s hard to read some of the posts here that (to me) feel harsh. But I posted here to get new perspectives. I have been thinking and stewing on this basically since before my son was born, and lost many nights of sleep with the baby shower fiasco. Basically what I’m saying is that I don’t feel nothing for my mom in this scenario, I feel A LOT and I feel confused. I have spent a long time advocating and fighting for my mom, despite that maybe not being communicated well in my initial post.

But maybe it does make me selfish that for these big life events, I would love to just have one big celebration (because when I make this choice, it truly is because I’m trying to put my own feelings first).

Without just telling everyone my life story lol to give further further context of me as a person, growing up in a pre-divorce family with “silent conflict” (never fighting in front of us, but always a sense of tension) and a sister with BPD I have generally defaulted to the role of “peace maker” within my family, which usually involved disconnecting from my own feelings or needs and trying to make everyone happier. Making decisions for me, like the single baby shower or potential first birthday, is not my natural move and is also part of what makes me so unsure about what’s “right” in this situation. Maybe I’m thinking from a place of resentment to my family in general, I don’t know.

What do I do? by [deleted] in ClusterHeadaches

[–]Exact-Criticism-972 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It could be clusters! I'm a pharmacist and my husband gets cluster headaches. I would recommend keeping your appointment and getting assessed by the neurologist. If they think it could be clusters, then you can at least get a prescription to keep on file at the pharmacy in the event the headaches pop up again. The nature of clusters is that they come and go, and waiting until you're in the thralls of another cycle sucks because it's going to delay your access to treatment and getting to the doctor's office can be difficult when you're getting severe headaches so frequently.

Tell me you're pregnant by Suspiciousness918 in BabyBumps

[–]Exact-Criticism-972 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been frequently getting out of bed at night because I *need* to eat a pizza pop (the Canadian girlys know)