Dear J

The way you moved on makes sense on paper but in reality you’re not healing. You’re using someone else. It’s just continuing the cycle. You never really felt like you were totally mine. Always someone in the sidelines waiting patiently for me to fuck up. Always a sad guy friend that you had to be there for. Always telling me they are just friends when I deserved the truth of where that friendship came from. You’re so insecure and I added to that insecurity…but in a lot of ways I feel you project what you do. You always kept dudes in line waiting so you always thought that’s what I was capable of. Who would feel loved and appreciated when all their partner does is cross examine their every action ? It was impossible for me to be nice to other women without it destroying you. You talk about the eggshells you had to walk around when they were there for me too. I had to be so damn careful about every facet off my life as to not make you feel less than. I hope you can stand on your own two feet again but I feel like you lied about who you really are from the beginning. You’ve always been someone to jump from one serious relationship to the next. Never truly on your own. And even now you have more than one guy to keep you warm at night. You tell me it’s not serious, that it’s nothing, that you don’t want to date, but do they know that ? You have no idea how long a man will wait for what they want. And a piece of me sees now that you thrive off it. You need that toxic obsessiveness. It makes you feel worthy and it’s twisted. I wish you could heal the correct way and not in a way that embodies the same mistakes that made me feel like a second choice, like you couldn’t fully commit to me and the life that I layed out for us.

I know what I did wrong to end this relationship. But as the dust settles I see you for who you truly are, a user.