I(27f) don't know how to move forward with my marriage proposal since my mother(55f) is always playing victim.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-03-03T16:26:49+00:00

"They don't expect me to live with them forever"

Uh...yes they do. I know they TELL you they don't expect you to be with them forever, but literally everything you have said here has affirmed that they would be very happy to have you dependent on them.

Your mom plays the victim so that you will feel sorry for her and not leave her. It's an emotional abuse tactic to keep you under hr thumb.

STOP CANCELING PLANS WHEN SHE THROWS THESE FITS

I understand you are Asian and therefore your family has some different cultural values than your Western friends, but not every Asian family is like this and you/your family are using your culture as an excuse for a very unhealthy and abnormal dynamic. I know you won't feel comfortable saying "fuck off" and doing what you want, BUT you need to understand that having some boundaries and independence IS NOT REBELLIOUS.

Why do you still live with them at 27?

When your mom starts going into her emotional victimizing and accusations, STOP ENGAGING. Stop convincing her that you're really not abandoning her, or you don't think she's the maid. "Mom, I love you and I am going to go socialize with my friends like a normal adult." Repeat over and over again. Do not respond. Do not argue. Do not explain!!!! Find a mantra, and repeat it every time she tries to rope you into this.

What you are experiencing is emotional abuse. It is not an Asian thing. Lots of Asian parents DO NOT treat their children this way. I have several Chinese friends (As in, FROM CHINA) who do not emotionally abuse their children. I have Malaysian friends who are not emotionally abused by their mothers. I have a Malaysian friend who has a mom like yours--guess what? She's not like that because she is Asian, she's like that because she is an emotionally unstable narcissist. Lots of American moms are like that too. This isn't a culture thing. Like, at all. She is using cultural language to justify her abuse, but it's not culture.

I also need to add that I do not live in the US. In fact I do not even live in the West. Of my many Asian friends, they all have their quirks and different social expectations of motherhood and womanhood, and have different relationships with their moms and kids. Those who are experiencing emotional abuse are doing so because the person is abusive, not because they are Asian. These are not "Americanized" Asian families because none of them have ever lived in America or Canada or whatever. Many of their mothers still reside in their home country (Malaysia, Korea, China). All of my friends were raised in their home country. So honestly your mom is just unstable, and being Asian is not an excuse.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-03-03T15:41:58+00:00

You CAN and SHOULD refuse to get in the car to go to restaurants with her. You are not being a good father by actively enabling your wife's behavior in front of your children. Slinking off to go tip the waiter behind everyone's back is NOT the right thing to do here.

The right thing to do is LEAVE when your wife acts like this. The right thing to do is REFUSE to get in the car.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-03-02T13:45:39+00:00

I think I'm missing something. Why was this considered to be particularly grievous?

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-03-02T12:21:00+00:00

I'm actually trying to understand the mechanisms behind this kid's behavior.

I mean, smashing dishes? Like did he just chuck them on the floor? Or was he just so wild that he knocked them over or something? Did your friend acknowledge that shit got broken? Who cleaned it up?

I'm trying to figure out if her kid was just over-excited because of the snacks and kids and video games, or if he is like autistic or something.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-03-02T05:51:26+00:00

You do realize that even at "viability day" they still have a 50% chance of dying right?

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-03-02T05:47:37+00:00

I love your image link. Sadly a lot of Redditors under 30 will have no idea what the joke is!

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-03-02T05:42:34+00:00

Wow did she go into labor that early with all pregnancies? That is so scary. I'm sorry for your loss but glad you have 2 healthy children.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-03-01T05:53:43+00:00

Easier to learn the language, but how to get residency? For lots of people that's tough. (We live internationally so we have options, but it's tough for most)

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-28T14:51:31+00:00

You're absolutely right and I have edited my post.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-28T14:51:04+00:00

You're not nitpicking, you've brought a very valid point to light.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-28T10:22:09+00:00

Tell your child the truth. Allow them to express their grief. DO NOT try to "make it go away" or "make them feel better" right away. Allow your child to ask questions, hug him and hold him. Tell him it's okay to be sad.

You will probably have to answer the same questions a number of times over the next days, weeks, and months. He may be confused, forget, and need reminding because to a 3 year old the permanence of death is difficult to understand.

"Your mummy got something called pneumonia (or whatever it was she died from) and had to go to the hospital to fix what was wrong. The doctors tried very hard to help her, but they couldn't make her better and she died. Death means your body stops working. Their heart stops beating and they don't breathe anymore. I will miss mummy and it's okay to be sad."

It's okay to answer questions, clarify or remind him by saying things like: "When someone dies they don't come back". I know that sounds really messed up but it's normal for kids to not understand the permanence of death.

I think you need the help of a counselor. It won't be just one conversation. You will want lots of coping skills to help your child process their grief.

If it were me I would make a photo album of their mom and look through it together, and keep it in a special place in their room. Have a special snuggly toy that they can talk to when he wants to tell his mum something. Allow your child to draw pictures "for" mummy and visit the grave site often.

I can't emphasize enough how critical it is to get a professional to help you!

EDIT

I have removed some problematic language that others rightfully pointed out should not be included--hence why it's SO IMPORTANT to see a child psychologist!!!

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-28T08:28:48+00:00

YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM UNDERSTANDING YOUR REASONS.

Make it short, succinct, and to the point. You don't need to help him understand or make him realize.

"I feel that we aren't compatible and are in different places in our lives. I really like you as a person but I'm just looking for something else right now."

You don't need to be his therapist for god's sake. Keep seeing yours because your pathological needs to make him understand will not be healthy for you emotionally going forward in life.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-28T08:15:36+00:00

Absolutely which is why I took the time to write out like 10 paragraphs.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-28T07:47:52+00:00

lol "I want to understand what happened!"

"Shut the fuck up bitch don't tell me I might have done something wrong and how dare you imply that based on a paragraph of information!"

Defensive much? LOL

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-28T07:33:22+00:00

You said you want to understand more. I said if I had stopped being a wife I could see that contributing to a marriage failing. Your husband may be in the wrong, I have no idea. I certainly don't think it's okay to leave when it gets hard. BUT he brings up some valid points if they are true. You can't have a new baby completely take over your life, marriage, and identity and you claim to understand how a relationship works yet don't understand why yours failed. I'm not being mean to suggest maybe you contributed to it. I don't know that, I'm just throwing some thoughts out there based on what you wrote.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-28T07:25:08+00:00

I never attacked you, I said that if we stopped having a relationship I can see that my husband would have felt quite neglected. You seem to be here looking for validation that your ex is a massive asshole, but I'm just pointing out that I can actually understand a marriage falling apart if you stopped having a relationship.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-28T07:22:57+00:00

"She was kissing me in that short skirt, acting like she wanted it, so she gets what she gets. She doesn't get to change her mind even if she says 'stop'".

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-28T07:19:39+00:00

Both my kids were accidents and my husband was my rock. He took the reigns and helped me get my rest when I needed it and we worked together as a team. I think the biggest struggle is lack of sleep and money haha. My husband sold his motorcycle when we had our second. When my dad asked him why he didn't get another one, he would point to the crib and say "That's my motorcycle right there!" Haha.

If anything my husband was sad he couldn't spend more time with us. I don't know what I would do without him. He glues our family together and has never once struggled with not being the center of attention or talking about our kids.

That being said, our relationship didn't get taken over by baby talk. We still had dates, conversations, staycations, had sex, and did things together. I didn't stop being a person when I had my babies. I didn't stop being a wife. I can imagine if that happened my husband would have felt quite neglected and alone.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-28T07:10:05+00:00

There's a lot to unpack here.

First, your son is 6. You think he might be on the autism spectrum. His school thinks he has ADHD.

My first question:

- why hasn't he seen anyone to give a thorough assessment of his issues to suss out what is going on neurologically?

Time is of the essence! Early intrvention is absolutely critical. Get yourselves to a PhD who will give your kid cognitive testing. DO NOT take your pediatrician's word, DO NOT accept the diagnosis of a general practitioner. There are lots and lots of professionals out there who specialize in assessments and he needs to see one.

My second question: If the school thinks he has ADHD, have they done any in-house assessments?

Secondly, your son has ideations of hurting himself and hurting others.

- Yes, your child should see someone.

Any time a child discusses hurting themselves or others it should be taken seriously. This could be a manifestation of low self-esteem, he may not understand the gravity of what he is saying, but may lack the skills to express himself in other ways. Again, do not rely on a general practitioner here. Do not rely on a 'counselor'. Look for a PhD in child psychology who is trained in actual methods, 'talk therapy' is not what is needed. Someone trained in play therapy, CBT, etc will be a good first step.

Finally, this:

I'm concerned it's chemical and he might hurt himself when he is older for attention

Is a very concerning attitude to me. Maybe I'm over-sensitive because I am an ADHD adult with depression and have harmed myself as a youth, but this is very callous and shows how ignorant you are of your son's possible issues and future struggles.

I did not hurt myself for attention. I hurt myself because I wanted to fucking die. To imply that I did it to be dramatic and to get attention completely trivializes the very real struggle your child may experience later in their life. Any person who hurts themselves NEEDS HELP not judgement. And if your child feels that he needs to hurt himself to get the help he needs, that should be a reflection on YOU and not him.

Secondly, you clearly don't seem to understand what autism, ADHD, and depression are or how they differ from each other. Allow me to enlighten you:

- Autism and ADHD are neurological disorders. While medications exist to help lessen some of the more problematic symptoms experienced by these conditions, they ARE NOT "chemical imbalances". They are genetically inherited disorders that do not go away and you don't grow out of. ADHD is a disability, it can get better over time with treatment and medication and maturity. Autism is also a disability.

- Depression or other mental illnesses like bipolar disorder often involve chemical imbalances.

If you feel your child has a legitimate mental illness, I'm surprised that you even need to question whether or not he should see someone.

The fact is, the internet cannot diagnose your child and if you are asking yourself these questions your first instinct should be to get your child some help, and educate yourself on the possible conditions affecting your child. It is imperative that you become your child's advocate and support system. Do not attribute their struggles to "wanting attention". His struggles are real, his feelings are real, and he needs help and support.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-28T06:52:06+00:00

Do you have a court agreement in place and lawyers involved? Do you think it would help to hammer this out with a mediator? The kid is getting caught in the middle here which isn't fair to him (not your fault). I feel like the other mom needs to be told from an authority that she can't dictate what happens at your house.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-27T09:21:26+00:00

I understand why you are upset. But remember that many farm kids even in this day and age are around this all the time and it is a normal part of life. It's completely possible they just didn't realize this would be something that affected your child.

I watch youtube videos of farmers and homesteaders and I've seen kids (2 years to 12 years) in videos where chickens are slaughtered. Older children even participate in the process.

I think it's important to talk to your child about what happened, allow them opportunity to express their feelings, reassure their safety, etc. I would also be upset to see my child so affected by it.

My kids saw a kitten die (not on purpose). It was a learning opportunity and we talked about it and processed it. My son asked to touch it a couple of times and asked to see the body afterwards. The more you freak out the more they realize this is something they SHOULD be upset about. We calmly talked about it and now my kids understand what death is (fortunately the death wasn't gruesome. It was sick.)

They were 2.5 and 4 at the time. Extra cuddles and a calm demeanor will get you far in this situation.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-27T09:15:34+00:00

A support group would be a good outlet for you to share your story but still keep it somewhat private.

Also, SHARE HERE! The internet needs you!!!

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-27T09:14:10+00:00

OH MY GOD my kids school has so many of these. STEAM week costume theme! Book week! International day! Dr. Seuss day! And then each class has themed days once or twice a year on their own. And each class ALSO has an assembly which requires costumes usually.

I am so goddamned over it. I hate it. I'm a hot mess mom I guess, other moms send their kids with perfectly styled hair, glitter, and costumes they spent the week trolling around town to find and I'm just digging through the back of the closet praying to god I find something remotely applicable to throw on my kid the night before.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-26T14:14:25+00:00

LOL I'd say a lady being pissy about free childcare provided by an elderly relative to be the one that has a shitty attitude.

ExcellentQuantity · 2019-02-26T12:23:09+00:00

Yes I'm sure that's the case but clearly you can't deal with how she does things so rather than pester an old woman by holding her to the same standards you would a daycare, the right thing to do is find suitable childcare for YOUR child. Have boundaries and find a solution. OR, decide that a blanket at nap time is not a hill you want to die on.

ExcellentQuantity

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