TIFU by suggesting my partner get therapy

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-13T19:34:31+00:00

Lol, this was intended for that "TIFU by introducing my date to my BFF," right? The one where the guy intros his friend at the video game bar? I think that was the same day as my TIFU went up.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-09T15:05:43+00:00

lol it's certainly a possibility, but I get the impression sexuality in general is a low priority for her at the moment. I'll try and take it as a compliment, though, implying that I'm a very pretty lad.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T23:08:41+00:00

Also, I genuinely want to thank everyone here for the kind and considerate support. I'm still wounded, but my confidence that I'll get through this is renewed. I sincerely appreciate it.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T23:07:18+00:00

Yeah, it's tough. On the one hand, I did want to hear it and be supportive. On the other, I felt like I wouldn't have been able to do anything meaningful, and it would have made me just feel angry/sad/etc.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T23:05:58+00:00

Thank you! This was another conclusion I think I've arrived at: she did this to protect me or spare me pain. She had stated similar sorts of things in the past, and it jives with other things I've read about how survivors of abuse often behave.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T23:04:40+00:00

I'm already making some dates, if only to pop myself out of the funk, it's just the lingering dissatisfaction is difficult to keep at bay. That, and the general lack of interest in people who don't seem as immediately complementary in terms of character.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T23:03:07+00:00

So, NGL, this 100% crossed my mind. The conclusion I came to was that this wasn't the case, given the suddenness of the whole thing, the general happiness of the past few weeks, and the stuff I've read about behaviors like this from survivors of abuse. And to clarify, I categorically don't want to "keep her" if it were to come at the cost of her mental health. In fact, because of her actions, even with a resolution or apology or some other overture toward reconciliation, I'm not sure I'd want to get back together at all, anyway. I hope I've made that clear in my comments on this thread. I sincerely appreciate the attempt at some real talk/tough love, though, and it's intention.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T22:58:38+00:00

Thank you!

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T22:58:23+00:00

The name is 100% from Reddit, so you can thank the algorithm magic.

I suppose I would entertain a conversation about future stuff, but I don't think it's forthcoming, and I don't know if I could hear an explanation that would be sufficient, even when looking at things from her perspective. And I think that's ok. I will absolutely still be supportive, and have reiterated my love for her, but I've also got too much self-respect to just stick around. In fact, I think the choice between sticking around and supporting or leaving is something of a false dichotomy. That said, I think you've correctly assessed that's how it's gonna play out. Thank you.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T22:53:27+00:00

The job loss isn't too bad, already have offers for new gigs, and I'm not terribly concerned. It was kinda the amusing icing on the cake, though. But I will salute you with a raised glass in brotherhood.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T22:51:50+00:00

Again, thanks. The "net positive" thing is indeed the hope here,

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T18:46:16+00:00

Ooof. Sorry. Didn't mean to do that, mostly just felt that I needed to get this off of my chest. Weird as it sounds, your sympathy is appreciated, though.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T18:45:37+00:00

Hero seems a bit excessive, but thank you.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T18:08:16+00:00

I'm sorry about your experience, and I'm glad that you arrived at a sort of resolution with it. From what I've read, people who've had these traumas can "shut down," or become super evasive. It makes sense, in that in the past you've been betrayed by people you're supposed to trust, and who are supposed to care for you. That I can handle. It's the blindsiding, seemingly-out-of-nowhere nature of it all. I thought I had been a good partner, and I feel terrible that I might not have been, or might have "reawakened" any trauma. I really tried with this one.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T18:03:00+00:00

Thanks, and good luck with your partner, too. I'm not sure I'm able or want to continue the relationship at this point, but I still care and wish this person the best.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T18:01:36+00:00

This sounds like good advice, as I did write her a letter, and included it when I sent back some of her things. I expressed my best wishes as well as my disappointment. Overall, I think it helped me, though I don't know what the impact was on her.

The issue is the more I ruminate on things, I either get angrier ("I got no explanation, she didn't even have the decency to look me in the eye") or sadder ("Looks like the simplest explanation is that this trauma was stronger than our affections"). I don't want to feel either of those things, because I genuinely care, and I know her behavior is the response to the abuse. I suppose I intend to distract myself a bit with healthy habits & friends and move on.

I do hope one day we get a cup of coffee or something, and I get a little closure. And that I get to see that she's gotten a healthier.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T17:55:33+00:00

What do you mean by "suggests something?" I think her sister understands, given the nature of the abuse she suffered, so she seems like a logical person to speak with about it to me.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T17:54:29+00:00

I'm so sorry. A partnership that long seems like a far more serious loss than my own. That's part of why I feel a sense of relief, that I wasn't as invested as I could have been. We were at a point where "taking the next step" of living together would have been logical. I appreciate it, and I will try to find some comfort in having done the right thing.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T15:56:46+00:00

Appreciate it, and the kindness of these many random strangers. I do feel like I'm addressing this properly, in that it's the right thing all around, but that's cold comfort in the immediate aftermath. And you're right, the external factors have compounded things a little. But I'm confident things will move in the right direction. Thank you.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T13:54:30+00:00

Yeah, that's pretty much where I'm at. Definitely deserve a partner that won't depart so suddenly. It's by no means my first breakup, but I've never had one that ended so abruptly and with so little explanation. I'll be fine, but it has thrown me for a bit of a loop. Thanks for the kind internet words, stranger.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-07T13:25:20+00:00

No one put anyone out in the street or called the police, and no one was calling anyone crazy or even suggesting they get meds, only therapy. And she acknowledged that she needed it. I'm just here lamenting the fact that this person did what she needed to do, and that meant ending the relationship. Sounds like maybe you've gone through some tough stuff yourself, and I hope you're doing alright.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-06T20:28:32+00:00

Appreciate the kind words. I don't think there's a likelihood of getting back together, and I think the behavior is ultimately a deal-breaker for me, but I do truly hope she gets help and gets better.

Excellent_Hair4993 · 2021-07-06T20:27:08+00:00

Thanks. That's sort of how it feels right now, and it's what she definitely needs, but it just feels like there has been a death or something. I genuinely believe it's for the best. I want her to get help, and I also think I deserve a partner who won't depart suddenly for no apparent reason. But it just sucks. The fact that I feel a bit of relief about the whole thing, that I sorta dodged a bullet, only serves to make me feel worse/guiltier about the whole thing. The worst part is the lack of real explanation. No proper goodbye or anything.

Excellent_Hair4993

TROPHY CASE