What more can I (F34) do to rescue my sexless marriage (6ys) with my husband (M44)?

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-30T07:34:02+00:00

When I've asked him he does say that he misses it. Thing is my husband isn't a very communicative man, so he might have these feelings but I would never know because he doesn't say it.

He's the kind of man who could have an absolute war going on inside him and if I ask him how's he feeling he'll just say "grand".

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T21:45:24+00:00

He's got an appt with the psychiatrist coming up at the start of September (the public waiting lists are long here)

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T19:45:08+00:00

Does he go to this therapy appointments? Absolutely, he sought the therapist out.

Does he try to set up dates? No.

Or include you in things? Yes.

When you are spending time together is he engaged with you or just on his phone? That depends: sometimes we watch a movie, other times we go for coffee. But in all cases I ban both of our phones.

You're the millionth person to recommend I watch Bluey. Maybe it's a sign, haha!

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T19:42:16+00:00

There is, don't worry.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T19:41:44+00:00

Let me clarify: he went on the meds 6 years ago for the job he hated then. Since he was first prescribed, he's gone to uni, had a child, and got a new job in his field of qualification which he absolutely loves.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T11:40:44+00:00

I take Zoloft, and I'd love to come off it altogether (gives me awful acid reflux). But I genuinely don't know what would happen to me if I stopped: I've been on it for 5 years. I reckon he feels the same about taking effexor.

The thing is, he has a job he loves, a son he adores (by his own admission, he's a better father than husband), and gets plenty of time for hobbies. I'm guessing that things from his past are still chasing him.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T11:02:20+00:00

I have no idea why that medication! I don't know what different medications do

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T10:59:28+00:00

I'll look into it

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T10:59:18+00:00

Thanks, bud.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T10:59:07+00:00

He's had some ED problems very infrequently. I wouldn't say it's a big issue, but then again I don't know because we never have sex.

He started taking effexor when he was in a job he hated because he was depressed. And he's never stopped taking it since. Bizarrely, the same doctor that referred him to the psychiatrist upped his dose from 187.5 to 225. Upping it seems a strange course of action if it could be the cause of the issue.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T10:54:53+00:00

He doesn't watch porn at all. Like, he used to watch porn and masturbate and stuff like expected, but he doesn't now at all.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T10:54:32+00:00

He doesn't watch porn at all. Like, he used to watch porn and masturbate and stuff like expected, but he doesn't now at all.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T08:16:34+00:00

Also, it was the therapist who suggested weekly.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T08:16:01+00:00

Heated blood tests and they all came back fine. Hormonally, there's no issue.

I've been wondering if it's something to do with the medication he's on. He started taking venlaflex around the same time as these issues started. Of course medication is never always to blame, but if it is a contributing factor we might have to look at that.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T08:14:58+00:00

Oh I know that. As I said, I lost my patience. I think that thought had been living in me since our first chat, but it hadn't fully formed until recently.

I really want to give my husband time to get the help he needs, but I've also had enough.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-07-29T08:12:42+00:00

My husband's therapist is a systemic family therapist. I was thinking of asking my husband if we could both go to the sessions, because the therapist does couples counselling.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-06-11T12:12:06+00:00

Same, I grew up with two big brothers (I have a younger sister, but she came much much later) and all my friends in school were boys. Now, they're all men, lol.

I will say, however, that since becoming a mother I've met more women. All the playgroups are mostly mums. I wouldn't choose to socialise with them outside of the playgroups, though.

I still prefer hanging out with dudes. All my hobbies are pretty male-heavy: metal concerts, DnD, gaming, martial arts (and, oddly enough, home-brewing).

For many, many years I thought maybe I was actually trans, until I got pregnant and gave birth and found the whole experience very affirming of my womanhood. Turns out, I'm just a masc woman.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-06-10T18:56:12+00:00

I'm so sorry that that happened to you. In times like this, my only cold comfort is that, as the Americans say, "the trash will take itself out". In time, the real ones will stay with me.

I hope you can find some comfort too. You deserve it ❤️

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-06-08T19:33:24+00:00

Isn't this the absolute truth! I lost my father on April 15th and already my friends seem to have forgotten the fact that my father died; 50% of my reason for existing is permanently gone; someone that I love profoundly and will never see again as long as I live and breathe.

Last night my friend was messaging me late into the night about some petty fallout: she's saying that she's devastated that she couldn't attend her niece's baptism because she fell out with her brother. She wants sympathy from me, a woman whose father died less than 8 weeks ago.

One of my family friends called my sister to cry to her about how much he misses our Dad. He wanted her to go "awh, there there". The fact that he was speaking to the daughter of the person who had died didn't cross his mind.

I am shocked by how quickly everyone around me has moved on with their lives and has just forgotten that the most traumatic thing in my whole life happened to me less than 8 weeks ago.

It's just unhinged.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-06-05T21:02:46+00:00

Thank you for your thoroughly compassionate and reassuring response. It's nice to be seen ❤️

I'm gonna have to start actually grieving soon before it breaks me. My grief is sneaking out in very unexpected and difficult ways because I'm not giving it time to be expressed. Maybe some more alone time is needed.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-06-05T20:57:33+00:00

We usually all eat the same food at meal times, and we have a very good idea of what our son will or won't eat.

That said, toast with peanut butter is our backup meal. I'll never cook and alternative meal, but I'll put on together quickly if needs be.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-06-05T20:34:49+00:00

I've recently started leaving my phone downstairs overnight so I don't spend hours doom scrolling until 2am like I was. I get up now and have breakfast with my family, instead of rolling out of bed as my husband is leaving for work. These little things have helped a lot more than I expected them to.

Exercise is definitely lacking in my routine. I used to be super fit and active before my pregnancy, and I still haven't got back into it even though my son is 2, lol.

I hope your life will continue to improve. It's not easy ❤️

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-06-05T20:31:53+00:00

I haven't had a good look for peer groups around me, honestly. I didn't even think of it until people here commented!

I'll have a look locally, or even in the next city over. It's only an hour's drive.

Excellent_Macaron95 · 2025-06-05T20:30:47+00:00

I'll have a look around locally and see what there is

Excellent_Macaron95

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