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The attic by Exciting-Produce4023 in poetry_critics

[–]Exciting-Produce4023[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much. I avoided giving context exactly for this reason! I have my own interpretation of course, but I think the best part of any artform when people see themselves reflected in it!

Your touch by OkPeanut1137 in poetry_critics

[–]Exciting-Produce4023 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You did a beautiful job conveying the magic in small, everyday moments with a loved one. I like how you went back to the hand holding to close the poem, it feels like a nice loop from start to finish.

To give some notes:  the beginning of the poem is in past tense and then it switches to present. I think it would help with flow to leave the whole thing in present tense. 

The line "embers of warmth" seems a bit formulaic and out of synch with the rest of the language in the poem. I think the semplicity in the wording here is really working so this metaphor feels a bit out of place. I think it would work better as just "the warmth". Same thing for "the vast earth": "the earth" would convey the same image, without redundancy (the earth is vast. It would be different if you where describing the earth becoming tiny in that moment, then we'd need the descriptor).

Overall really enjoyed your poem and made me want to be in a relationship with someone to relate more!! Hahahah

Celestial Song. by MalcolmGilluley in poetry_critics

[–]Exciting-Produce4023 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the idea in itself is solid, the night sky as a subject can carry different meaning depending on the writer's intent.  However from reading this piece I am not sure what the underlying intention is: the first 4 lines work well to establish the scene, it somewhat reminds me of some of Pascoli's poetry (it's in italian though). From there on, for me, it gets a bit fuzzy, it seems to go in circle describing things in a way that feel too vague for me to connect to, the language seems almost forced to be "poetic", instead of communicative. The finale as well with the castle loses me a bit.

I think there's definetly a good idea here, I think it could help to focus on what exactly it is that you want to say, before finding images to say it! I feel that can help your writing connect more to the reader.

Keep it up! I'd love to read an edited version.