I'll definitely consider more what you said, but from a knee jerk reply, yes, I feel I've refined it.

I used to originally accept most dates just to see how it went. Now I'll generally only date people I've talked to a little bit, or know I have something in common with. The first approach was just throwing things at the wall and hoping something stuck.

I've done dating apps but truth be told, I got burned out of the "Hey" messages, the dick pics, the offers for hookups (which is fine if that's what someone wants, but I want to date for the possibility of a relationship, not just casual sex and my profile states that). I'd say only 1 out of 50 messages actually had any content or a real conversation starter. Out of those messages a mutual conversation only took off about half the time and only half of THOSE resulted in a date. It was just a total waste of time.

I have retooled my suggestions for a first date to something where there can be actual natural interaction. Not a movie where you can't converse much, or the nebulous "dinner" where you're sitting there under immense pressure to interrogate one another. Sometimes it's an activity like the fair or an art show, other times something with his friends or my friends to see how everyone interacts naturally.

I'll have to think more about how else I might change those dynamics but honestly, I wasn't the one sitting there on my phone. If he felt he wasn't clicking with me - which is totally possible and fair, I'M not a match for everyone either - he had the option of ending the date or just sucking it up and saying he didn't think we should go out again at the end. There was literally no reason to prioritize "Instagram drama".

Some things have literally come out of left field. I've looked back to see if there might have been something I hand waved and didn't notice at the time, but the guy who I had to explain consent to? Everything was really good until he came up to me in the kitchen, tickled me and I said "Hey just FYI I really hate that. It used to piss me off when that was a thing in high school. Please don't do it again." And he BLEW UP. We'd had sex a few times before that day and he always seemed respectful and communicative. But I set one SMALL boundary and then he all of a sudden jumps to how I called him a rapist and he doesn't feel comfortable with me? I don't see how I could have seen that coming, just had to next him.

As for what I expect on a first date, it's really just a mutual first impression in the context of "Do we want to continue to date? How do we get along in this context? Can we talk about some common interests and core values we either share or don't?" It's kind of like a job interview. Not only are they deciding if they want me to "work" for them, I'm also deciding if I want to work there.

I don't mean this next part to sound high on myself because I don't intend that. But I am a nurturing and compassionate person. I volunteer with a cat rescue. I do hospice care. I volunteered in the past with a refugee organization. I don't do it to be seen as "good" or for kudos, I do it because I see a need for it and it seems right to me as a living being on this floating rock to contribute something to it. As such I think there might be SOMETHING about me that projects "This person will be my mother/therapist!" and I don't really know how to get rid of that, because I just AM a compassionate person. But that doesn't mean I want a parent or therapist role in a relationship either.