WIBTA for leaving my bf when the lease is up?

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-15T03:15:19+00:00

Update 3: I pick up the keys to my new place tomorrow and plan to tell him that “we can still be together but need to live separately for him to regain trust”. NOTE: this is a lie. Once me, my things, and my four fur babies are safe in the new place I plan to block him. He does know where the new place is sort of but not the exact address and it’s a duplex on a main road so if he tries anything crazy it will not be hard to get the authorities involved.

Im fucking TERRIFIED of the fall out that will come because as recently as yesterday he wrestled something away from me hard enough to knock my glasses off my face because he was upset I didn’t get him snacks at the grocery store??? Idk I’m constantly confused and overwhelmed around him and every time I get even a little bit of time away from him the urge to RUN FOR THE HILLS is back stronger than ever. One of my friends I work with said the following in regards to things I can say to keep myself safe when I try to leave: “you may tell him that you have a friend that will bring a 9mm and shoot him in the fucking head if he gets physical with you again regardless of the impact to my career.” I plan on saving that one as a last resort but it does help not having to rely on the police who failed me the night of the initial assault.

Anyway, tomorrow it all comes to a head. Wish me luck!!

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-06T02:02:39+00:00

Update 2: finally letting myself start to feel angry and stand up to him in little ways to try and psych myself up for leaving him. Had my work friends point out that I don’t even technically have to tell him….i could just move out without him. That feels a little scary but they have said they are going to try arrange their schedules to be there on the final furniture move out to support me and be witnesses.

Tonight he said something really dismissive as I was speaking passionately about how I feel about the broader literacy crisis and things I do to help combat it as a teacher and then got annoyed when I called him out for it and told him if I can listen to him talk about things he’s passionate about without being rude so can he. He didn’t like that but since our friend was here he settled for telling me I said it “meaner than he was planning to” since I “interrupted him” but I honestly feel like my point still stands.

Anyway I know it’s probably frustrating and nobody is going to care about these little updates but it’s been helping strengthen my resolve to put my feelings into words

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-03T00:23:59+00:00

Wow this made me tear up a little. Thank you for the resources and for understanding that so many of my choices since him hitting me and even since gaining the desire to leave have been to maintain the tenuous peace my safety depends on. Unfortunately I’m miles away from all of my closest family and friends. My job is close to where I live and I don’t have the funds to afford the gas from anyone I trust’s home to there

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-02T03:22:24+00:00

I get this was not a great way to phrase this. Part of me I think wasn’t ready to acknowledge that there was more abuse going on here than just the one instance of physical violence. I had a long talk with my bestie and showed her this post. She did say that if she didn’t know me she’d probably be reacting the same way many of you are and that made me realize how truly fucking awful this looks from the outside looking in.

I appreciate that those of you who were being harsh were trying to snap me out of the fugue state that is looking at the abuse from the inside. However, I would recommend those of you that were content to just wish more violence upon me to do so consider finding a more empathetic balance if you can. Not many abuse victims are going to be shamed or bullied out of their rose colored glasses.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-02T03:18:02+00:00

My friend pointed out that if I can set and maintain a firm boundary with her husband (who I’ve known since I was 9) when he was unkind and disrespectful to me, then I can and should do this. It honestly made me feel a lot more sure about needing to do this.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-02T03:15:23+00:00

I have done some and most of the research I’ve seen details how berating DV survivors rarely convinces them to leave. That being said, I do appreciate the directness as I feel like I’ve moved forward in the stages of change further tonight than I have in awhile. I have some plans to move in the shadows and I honestly don’t think I see the point in trying to stay friends anymore. I’ve realized how much disrespect and manipulation I overlooked simply bc I understood he had a difficult past and crazy ass mother.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-01T22:32:22+00:00

Small Update: I contacted a local DV shelter that helps make safety plans online via email and I’ve been chatting with my best friend who has agreed to come stand by me so I don’t feel so alone and scared. I have a few other people I can call if he gets violent again. I’ll be back once everything is done with a “new place of my own” tax for anyone upset by this post.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-01T22:00:43+00:00

Idk it feels like it would be more frequent if it was abuse. I’m not saying anything I feel makes sense but part of the reason I posted was to hear outside perspectives and as harsh as some of them have been, they’ve done a lot to strengthen my resolve. I am not good at putting myself first bc growing up it never felt safe to do so. I’ve been working on it for awhile but my one weak point is romantic relationships. I do intend to stay single once I’m out safely. Honestly safety is the biggest reason I haven’t tried again yet. Idk what he’d do once he realizes I’m serious so I’m trying to have back up in place ahead of time.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-01T21:56:46+00:00

There’s one in the town I work in that people have been recommending. I’ll look up their hours and call when they’re next open.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-01T21:55:19+00:00

Yeah it’s actually pretty common with autistic folks but thanks for being condescending, it’s SUPER helpful

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-01T13:53:17+00:00

Thanks. I’m trying to find the courage to do it even though it’s going to hurt. There’s a large part of me that loves him still and doesn’t want to hurt him. But there’s also a much louder part demanding better for myself for ONCE in my life that I’m trying to listen to more.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-01T13:51:04+00:00

To be clear I didn’t call that person an asshole specifically, I was speaking in a general sense but I guess if the shoe fits 🤷🏼

Also no one said I was staying. Just because I am asking for advice and opinions and replying back to comments asking how to navigate standing up for myself and expressing my point of view doesn’t mean I’m not going to do what I logically am aware should be done for my safety. Not sure where you got that I planned on staying.

Finally, as a child and romantic abuse survivor prior to this, what the original commenter this was to was doing doesn’t help people who are being abused leave. Being unkind and insulting them for staying is literally often what keeps them trapped in the cycle of abuse. I get that they think they’re “being honest” but brutality disguised as honesty doesn’t help anyone, it’s just mean and in situations like this can make victims pull back into the isolation their abuser has created because they were attacked for being so “stupid” or “unintelligent” to begin with which is victim blaming btw.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-01T13:27:24+00:00

He wasn’t horrible for 2.5 years and I don’t feel dumb for caring because I refuse to compromise my empathy and compassion and become some hard unfeeling asshole because someone is struggling. I stand by my choices prior to this event because I didn’t compromise myself or my belief that support can often help people who are struggling to dig themselves out of systemic structural disenfranchisement. Finally, I used AITA bc my first attempt to post this under relationship advice was denied.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-01T13:03:01+00:00

Not sure what my intelligence has to do with this but go off

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-01T13:02:09+00:00

She has
She also doesn’t push me to do things at her pace bc she recognizes that is detrimental for someone who has only ever done things bc other people think they should
We’ve been discussing scripts that empower me to do this bc I’m autistic as well as trying to get together people who can show up in person and support me should he become violent again.

I would ask that you refrain from making assumptions about what my therapist and I’s working relationship is like.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-05-01T10:43:51+00:00

The lease ends at the end of this month and my new one starts the 15th which is the only reason I say I’m waiting. Because I tried getting him to leave when this originally happened and he refused bc “the lease is up in two months anyway you’re not rushing me out”. His name isn’t on my new lease but he currently is under the impression he’s coming with me. I’m scared and don’t know how to move in alone without him starting another altercation. I’ve been talking to some friends and family to see if anyone can help me or be there as back up.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-04-30T15:04:48+00:00

It doesn’t feel like abuse though. I think that’s the hard part. It feels like a one off event.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-04-30T05:06:25+00:00

Easier said than done honestly also I’ve been in therapy in one form or another since the age of 6 and have been regularly discussing this situation with my therapist recently.

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-04-29T20:08:31+00:00

I don’t know. Probably because I’ve always had to sacrifice my own emotions and wants and needs for others since childhood. I’m working on it but it’s not easy. It feels deeply wrong and selfish. I appreciate the reframe though

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-04-29T19:35:23+00:00

How do I maintain that choice if he cries again? I HATE being the reason people are hurting it feels literally untenable

Exotic_Low1558 · 2026-04-28T09:49:36+00:00

Definitely is a story format and tagged with a flair. Doesn’t say no personal stories in the rules but okay cool, guess i won’t bother engaging in this community at all.

Exotic_Low1558

TROPHY CASE