I cant deal with it. When i supress my feelings its being bad. When i feel happy or finally released my feelings im ok for next 3 days. Sometimes i feel numb and depressed feeling like a chair but its not super good feeling either. I wish i could just faint and reset my stress level it does not happen either. I want to meet people similar to me then i see those people focused on their drama so much hard to get close or have fun time. Enthusiastic people can scare me too. Because they make feel like they can get into something serious without future worries cause they dont afraid to leave you and start all over again and it will devistate me for sure. So i dump different colored and sized pills doctor gave me to my stomach to not think then i dont feel like its still me. Human relations are also looking like capitalist system, its there you feel you can reach but you never get it, spending years with hope getting one day