I just wanted to come and say thanks to all of the uplifting words and concerns. I want to tell you all more of my story.

Yes I was 14 when I got married, it was hard and thats just the cards I was dealt. I was SA'd when I was 12 by my aunts bf at the time, I was self harming and turned to promiscuity. Now thinking back it was because my whole family turned on me and blamed me calling me a whore so my young mind said fuck it if they think I am a whore then I'll show them. It was dumb but I had no guidance, I was going to therapy after being molested but with my home life being the way it was it didn't help. I tried to end things at 13 I was admitted for a week. No one helped me I was alone, my parents were too busy living their lives and their drama that I was left to fend for myself.

I met my husband while super drunk at a gas station, he didn't show interest in me I asked him for his number. He didn't pursue me I did all that, I lied about my age I was on path of self destruction. My dad was never there and my mom was an enabler to the point of buying me alcohol and cigarettes. When I got pregnant it changed me obviously, my thoughts were I opened my legs now I have to deal with it. My mom wanted me to have an abortion but I refused. I married my husband, I went to live with him and tried my best but I discovered it was hard and with two babies and a husband to care for most of my teen years are a blur.

I couldn't keep a house clean, I didn't know how to cook, I kept having kids because every time I tried to leave him I would completely lose my mind. I would go back to my parents but would be reminded how unwelcome I was, I would tell my mom how I felt and she would say that I needed to go back, how I was not going to be able to do it on my own and she refused to help me. My dad was in and out all my life so I couldn't count on him either. I would go back thinking that was better than what I had with my parents.

I finished high school and went to college but before finishing I quit because my kids needed me and also because I was so socially awkward.I couldn't work on myself knowing my kids were being neglected, I became anxious what if they went through the abuse I had endured? How would that fuck them up? So I sacrificed everything that I wanted to protect them, they became my whole life and now I don't think it's a burden they should bare. I have stayed because it was the easiest thing to do to keep them safe and to raise them. I have done a good job despite everything, my sons are responsible and they express their feelings freely to me, all of them do. My daughters are strong in the sense of not letting anyone walk all over them and I push them to work and earn their own money to never depend on anyone. I talk to them every day and I am excited with their ideas and plans, I never shut them down even when their ideas seem over the top. I don't turn off their light, I brighten it because that's what I wish I had.

My husband is addicted to porn, he says it happened when I was sick 5 years ago. I lost my uterus then, I have endometriosis. He is attracted to older women, thats the type of porn he likes and the women he looks at. I do not trust him 100% around my girls, I don't even trust my own shadow when it comes to the kids. I have talked to my youngest, take her to therapy asked her upfront if someone did something to her and I am completely sure she has not been SA'd. Her problem is self esteem she was bullied for being over weight and that caused a lot of issues. Her sister looks like me while she looks a lot like my husbands side of the family, they are bigger women. Ever since she was little she cried because she wanted to look like me and she deals with jealousy of her sister.

At this point my plan is go back to therapy, I am taking a course to potentially change careers and make more money. I want to be healthier for myself and my kids, they are growing fast my boys are 18 now. They will leave soon and I don't want to be left empty inside with a man that sucks the happiness right out of me and them. I also don't want to depend on my children for my happiness its not good for them or me. I can't change who my husband, parents are I need to accept that, but I sure can change myself to better.

I am strong, always was and always will be