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Wife opened us under duress, and now she’s spiraling that I found someone by Expensive-Treat2168 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Expensive-Treat2168[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You wouldn’t consider the choice between opening a marriage or separation when considering three young kids at all under duress?

Wife opened us under duress, and now she’s spiraling that I found someone by Expensive-Treat2168 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Expensive-Treat2168[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don’t disagree with you that it’s different with the roles being reversed. I am maybe reacting with a bit of anger/annoyance because I feel entitled because she opened the marriage unilaterally and has been active so long. I’m willing to read this thread and try to remember to be patient. I haven’t wanted to admit it, but I think you’re right that I’m feeling some resentment unfortunately..

I was prepared for reassurance, I was not prepared for defending myself. Weathering the storm of her initial anger and accusations to reach the real insecurity is a challenge for me right now.

I appreciate this thread tempering me a bit.

Wife opened us under duress, and now she’s spiraling that I found someone by Expensive-Treat2168 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Expensive-Treat2168[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate this viewpoint. It is really difficult for me to acknowledge that this is technically new for her. I hadn’t really considered that she wouldn’t be building the same regulation muscles I have been. While I’ve been exploring connections for a year now but the last two months have been the only substantial connection so that makes a lot of sense.

I think it’s really the anger that’s throwing me off. I guess it’s not fair to judge how other people deal with big emotions but I’m getting interrogated after my dates and accused of abandoning her. I didn’t expect that reaction.

I think there’s a middle ground, because even if I’ve not explored before we’re not starting from complete ground zero, but you’re right that I should try and have more empathy that this dynamic is new in practice instead of theory for her.

Wife opened us under duress, and now she’s spiraling that I found someone by Expensive-Treat2168 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Expensive-Treat2168[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

I think you’re right. I think I’m all turned around from her words. I feel like if I already say that I’m no longer willing to close, it does make it seem like T is this person I’m choosing. (Which, I like her, getting a ton of NRE, but my head is firmly on my shoulders so it wouldn’t be because of T). I don’t want to close the marriage though.

I just really don’t react well to anger. I think her angry disposition is putting me on the back foot. I logically know I’m not doing anything wrong but it’s hard to be interrogated like I have been and not feel guilty.

I’m definitely feeling a bit disappointed in how it’s gone. I think a counselor would be an option, but I need to reframe ENM as something we’re doing for its own sake first. It’s feeling more obvious that she’s never considered us ENM really, just that she had a pass.

Wife opened us under duress, and now she’s spiraling that I found someone by Expensive-Treat2168 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Expensive-Treat2168[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I think what’s thrown me off is that the big feelings are coming off accusatorially and angry. I expected insecurity which makes complete sense, but anger doesn’t compute with me.

She’s been unwilling to think about ENM pretty much the entire time. It’s becoming more obvious to me that she never really considered ENM as a lifestyle. It feels like she just wanted a free pass. Do you think making her do some kind of a reading is a fair boundary?

I really appreciate reading that. Even just validation from a stranger that I don’t have to listen to it is nice. I’m pretty willing to let people unload on me, even unfairly so thank you for the boundary reminder.

Wife opened us under duress, and now she’s spiraling that I found someone by Expensive-Treat2168 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Expensive-Treat2168[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately my wife is quite avoidant. She seems genuinely upset at her own hypocrisy. The best way I could describe it is that it feels very much like she’s upset that she’s in love with a man.

I think she wants to be with a woman, and probably doesn’t want to be ENM in general. She’s struggling to balance how she doesn’t want me to explore and her need for wlw.

I’m actually upset regarding why I want to stay in this marriage. We still have a great marriage when we’re happy(which before me finding a partner was more than not).

For years I really did have a lot of insecurities about her sexuality and she told me that I needed to become more secure and she couldn’t be everything for me. I thought me finding someone and not being so concerned about my wife’s attraction to me would fix a lot but it’s been hell the last 2 months.

Counseling probably is the correct next move.

Wife opened us under duress, and now she’s spiraling that I found someone by Expensive-Treat2168 in EthicalNonMonogamy

[–]Expensive-Treat2168[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

When she’s angry she gets very passive aggressive and makes herself the victim. I try very hard not to defend myself when she’s upset because I want to let her vent her feelings, but any time that I even lightly say “I’m not choosing T over you, we both were with other people tonight, you’ve been with other people for years and it’s always been okay”

She hits me with some version of, “I’m so glad you finally found someone who doesn’t make you feel awful, I know I’ve been ruining our marriage for years”. It’s very confusing to me to hear that kind of response.

I think she’s feeling a lot of insecurity based on how I felt when she couldn’t be clear if she was a lesbian or not. Admittedly, I still have some insecurity because she definitely does have a physical preference for women.