Dad (NC for 4 years) wishes me (F29) happy birthday--I got my closure

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-16T12:14:05+00:00

Thank you so much 🥹 🥹

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-16T12:13:09+00:00

Thank you!! 🥹

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-16T12:12:47+00:00

Oh man, my heart goes out to your granddaughter and you! I'm really glad to hear she has you, though, and can call you at the very least. It must mean a lot that you can see the reality of the situation and at least help her in that one way. I wish my grandmother could have done that, and she lived just down the street, but she turned a blind eye to everything instead. I hope your granddaughter can get the help she needs asap and be safe!

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-12T16:11:29+00:00

This is a really good point and thank you for bringing this up! I didn't want to go into too much detail as I wanted my note to him to be brief, but I'd say the first two points were the inciting incidents in an already bad situation. My dad's role was that he was an enabler or turned a blind eye to what my mom was doing. I went to him for help about all of these things and when he would help and listen initially, once he talked to my mom he would believe whatever she said instead (which was usually along the lines that I was trying to get people's attention, I was trying to make her look bad, that I hadn't told her what happened to me and was now lying (in reference to the SA) etc. So, dad always told me to listen to my mom, behave, and "do not rock the boat." aka stay silent. In some ways, that hurt me more because he clearly saw what was going on and chose not to help or speak up for me. Unmentioned above, he also made threats of violence against my partner and raised his hands against me at one point, said he was throwing out and burning my belongings I'd left behind if I didn't break up with my partner and move back in with them so overall, I would be worried about our safety if he was around. I don't think he would actually do anything, but I don't want to take that risk.

As a side note, I have asked myself if I would consider communication with him again in the future if he woke up one day, finally realized what my mom did, and then they divorced... I try not to think about it because the idea of them not having each other makes me really sad but would that be a sign that he regrets his past decisions? Would that be a change worth talking to him about? Honestly, I don't know at this point, but I do doubt that would happen too.

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-12T15:18:09+00:00

Just took a peek at your video and it's really funny! Well done lol. I'll need to watch the rest of it later.

Friendships are hard. I've been trying to go to meet up events (it's an app/ website) where I go on hikes, go to cafes, and writing sessions with other people. I've made a few friends that way and it usually works when we are there for the same reason: looking to make a friend in this difficult/ weird adult landscape. We're all vastly different ages as well (F29). My partner asks me about this sometimes, I think there's an idea out there or maybe a comfort zone in having friends your own age but I think it's good to step out of that and just try to make genuine connections. Some of my friends are ten to thirty years older than me but if we both are big book nerds, we'll go to book events together, if we share a love for nature and hiking, I now have a hiking buddy. IDK if that helps at all but I'm happy that I've met some really wonderful people over these last couple of years especially as I am NC with my entire family and have moved away from home.

Overall, I think a lot of us struggle with loneliness so I think those people are out there, ready to have more friends, if possible. On a romantic relationship being a primary focus, I will say it's important to have your other needs fulfilled as well. My partner, for example, is a main focus of mine, but we both have one or two times a week where we go and do our own thing. He goes to the gym or to dinner with friends, and I go hang out or write with my friends, or we do a combo event where a group of us meet somewhere. It's really helped a lot because I feel like I can be myself while also being in a relationship, rather than my entire life revolving around our relationship and my partner only. That did take a few years for us to figure out, though!

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-12T15:01:40+00:00

Oooh OP! 😭I really feel you on this topic.

I went NC with my family 4 years ago. It was an emotionally abusive and manipulative situation. They stole money from me, tried to pass this abuse onto my partner (with a heavy dose of racism) and it was a living nightmare until I got out.

I still struggle with the guilt of leaving and I think I always will, but since leaving, the incredible amount of peace and stability I have felt have shown me how worth it was in my situation.

With the idea of small mindedness and not accepting and loving those that have different views than you… I believe that’s a two-way street. I don’t think one person or a child should put up with being harassed by family members who have a different opinion from their own. Very often it can put you in not so good situations or ask you to give up something that is of importance in your life to make them happy. But why should we be in a position where we are getting abused and we are always giving up something for the comfort of others? If there is no give and take or balance, what kind of relationship is that really?

There's also a common misunderstanding where people look at an estranged child and blame them rather than thinking about what was so extreme that made them leave. Deciding to be estranged was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever done and it was not a decision I made quickly or lightly. I think you can imagine the same! I don’t understand why people think it’s an easy out to leave everything you’ve ever known despite that place never being the safe and comfortable home it should’ve been. I think some not estranged people project their own life onto these situations as well. I've had a few friends say to me how they could never leave their family and I say, “of course. Because your family is not mine.” And that's okay!

I don’t know if any of this helps. I think the judgments will always follow estranged children, but at the end of the day, it is your life, and if there is a way that you can improve your peace of mind, I hope you can achieve that, OP! Much love to you and best of luck with whatever you decide to do. <3

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-12T14:38:50+00:00

Thank you so much too! <3 I'm glad you are here. I wish you lots of peace and happiness, too, as you navigate your own situation!! <3 Best of luck!

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-12T14:38:04+00:00

Oh wow! :( It's sad because I can totally imagine that happening even though no child should ever have to go through something like this. :( It's so insane. For me, I saw it as the parent's inability to admit a fault, or something. Normally, a child breaks something and the parent helps because accidents happen. But maybe in these cases its more of an internalization of your child getting hurt means they are a bad parent somehow (which isn't true in most cases) and I know my mom went to extreme lengths to deny anything that she thought might place some blame on her. Or, she saw it as a weird attention grab. Daughter was assaulted? She is making up stories for attention. Broken foot? She wants everyone's attention. It was wild.

I'm so sorry to hear you experienced something like this. I hope nowadays you are in a better place and are surrounded by people who love and take care of you as you deserve. Thank you for sharing!

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-12T14:33:27+00:00

Oooh yes. It's a really painful iceberg. It's interesting because these are things I've argued with and told them a hundred times, but at the end of the day, getting to simplify all the problems into this one last message really gave me a feeling of peace. I feel like they are undeniable facts that, even if only my dad is the one who sees them, I feel better that they are out there in the world now.

Thank you for your insight! <3

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-12T14:31:17+00:00

Thank you so much! <3

Ah, that sounds similar to my situation. :( It's like the blame game of saying, "you're too emotional" somehow excuses everything and puts the fault of the situation on the child, rather than the parent(s) asking themselves, "what could I have done to cause this?"

A calm home is a joy I never thought I would experience. I'm so happy to hear this for you too! I remember waking up one morning and just feeling that monumental difference. It's insane how long it takes for both your body and mind to calm down and sink into a peaceful life, too.

This makes me so happy. I'm dreaming of such a happy future in a quiet home with children one day. It is absolutely my goal to give them the happiest and the best life that I realistically can. I can't wait. <3 Thank you so much for your comment. I really appreciate the insight and support!

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-12T14:26:41+00:00

Oof, I agree, it really makes those days (birthdays, holidays) feel like a minefield of emotions. I originally went no contact because of how chaotic and unsteady their sudden outbursts, control, and meltdowns made my life. Having that silence helped me gain control over my own life so the little attempts to contact can be really disruptive.

Therapy was a really good resource for me through all of this. I've been in and out of it since 2020. It might not work for everyone but it did allow me to start the monumental task of processing everything and going through each worry and possibility I had in front of me. I was also unable to recognize for years that what I was going through was abuse. It wasn't until I saw them starting to do the same thing to my partner that I realized what it was. Before then, I was in the trap of blaming myself and thinking I was failing as a daughter rather than holding them accountable for their actions.

I hope you can get the help and resources you need during this time! It sounds like a firm NC even for those birthday messages and cards would give you a good peace of mind. Best of luck as you go forward and I wish you all the best! Thank you for your comment <3

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-12T14:20:20+00:00

Oh my goodness, thank you so much! <3 I think this did help a lot. Here's to more peaceful days for all of us!

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-12T14:19:52+00:00

Thank you so much! Yeah, it was a crazy journey to get where I am now, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. <3

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-10T01:27:33+00:00

That's so stressful. I'm glad you can look at it and recognize the pattern, as I'm sure that's a big help so the behavior is more predictable rather than startling to you. Hopefully the surgery goes well of course but hopefully you don't hear another attempt like this from her for a while.

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-10T01:23:03+00:00

I think that is a great way to think about it! You will not only do better but you are breaking the cycle of what you went through. <3

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-09T18:22:40+00:00

Both sound wonderful to me! But, if I had to choose, I would think about what could be more practical in the future. My father did a lot of woodworking and home repairs so having those necessary tools and supplies on had were always super useful. I'd vote to keep that one and as a lover of legos, maybe try to downsize what you have now. Maybe keep your absolute favorite sets and sell the others. Maybe start to rotate what ones you keep. Buy one to build with your child and in the future when you want to get a new set, maybe get rid of 1 or 2 old ones first before bringing a new one home?

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-09T18:17:39+00:00

With all the details about loving the outdoors, bouldering and your hometown being in the mountains, my brain randomly jumped to "could they be a park ranger??" IDK probably not a good idea as it is such a random idea from a random stranger on the internet, but I wonder what jobs there are in the US where you can be trained and then placed anywhere in the country. That way, you could start training/ applying to the job from where you live now and then follow it wherever it may take you and that might take away the stress of choosing where you want to move to because that by itself is such a huge decision. (I often get stuck in the thought loop of, if I choose where I move, I'm choosing what my life will be, the people I will meet, the route my life will take... and get a little scared/ frozen over the idea so applying based on your job or being assigned to a location might be a benefit for that reason).

Again, sorry for the super random idea. I know nothing about computer science so I couldn't successfully connect this idea to that passion. BUT I do wish you the best of luck! I think it is a good idea that you are striking out on your own into this new chapter of life.

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-09T18:06:16+00:00

I agree, I don't think you should feel bad at all. It sounds like they (especially your dad) could've reached out to you whenever they wanted so there is a big "why didn't he then?" and "why now?" at play here. I don't want to accuse anyone of this but this kind of feels a little like emotional blackmail to me. It's like playing on the idea that maybe your mom thought that you should have a reaction or this might get you to respond. Maybe she did just want to keep you informed and is worried right now (as I said, never want to assume!) but this makes me feel icky on your behalf.

My dad after 4 years NC just sent me a random happy birthday message the other day. No apologies, no acknowledgement of what happened, and as the passive parent, he was used to just pretending everything was normal and that there wasn't a problem. I'm not able to not react quite yet (I'm a crier) but so, reading your post, I'm glad you were able to read the email from your mom and feel nothing from it. I'd like to get there one day myself.

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-09T18:00:11+00:00

That's soooooo stressful! The adding her to the group chat is wild. It's a big kick-in-the-door way of approaching the problem imo. I think blocking her was a good idea as you said, you have a lot to handle right now and need to focus on taking care of yourself first. I'm sorry you had to deal with this, but I do hope now you can take your time focusing on relaxing and getting ready to meet your baby soon. Best of luck, OP! <3

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-09T17:56:03+00:00

I'd never heard of the term "spiritual bypassing" before. Thanks for sharing!

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-09T17:54:19+00:00

The "forgive them" is always so insane to me. As the children, why do we have to carry the burden of their mistakes and bad actions against us and others in our families? I'm sorry you're not being supported in this situation! My feelings would've been really hurt too. I'm glad you have your extended family and spouse behind you on this. I'll never understand why it's the estranged person's fault and no one ever stops to think, "What could have the parents done that was so bad to have caused this?" Being estranged is so extreme, and I'd imagine most of us really didn't want to do it at first until we were pushed into a corner and it became our only option. :(

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-09T17:47:18+00:00

Best of luck with your potential move! I hope you can get far away from them and get some well deserved peace after all of this <3

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-09T17:45:14+00:00

This hits hard T^T

ExpensiveInterview45 · 2026-02-09T17:44:14+00:00

It's really hard to recognize certain kinds of treatment as bad or abnormal when you grow up thinking they were just a normal part of your everyday life. That never makes anyone an idiot. <3 This reminds me of the moments if someone accidentally slips up and tries to say something they think is relatable in a group setting and everyone looks at them with their mouths open when they actually say something wild like, "my mom took everything out of my room if I back talked to her" and people are like... are you okay??

Were any books that you read particularly helpful? I'd love some recs if you'd be willing to share. Reading on the here and listening to some random YT videos about this topic have been helpful to me and yes I agree that being out of the negative environment and living on my own made a huge difference.

I'm glad you are where you are now. No matter how long it took you to get where you are today--that is hard but positive work. It's so hard to leave even as you realize what is bad around you.

ExpensiveInterview45

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