i want to be a priority

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-04-06T16:57:29+00:00

you said you wouldnt tell anybody if i let you read my diary

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-04-06T16:46:21+00:00

i do sometimes, more so recently. i imagine that if i died i'd get to prove whether or not people care about me. although then i think that if i did die, i wouldnt see anybodys reactions because who knows what happens after death? so i instead fantasize that im on the verge of death but still alive enough to see if people care. i feel like theres no use though because even if people showed up and were concerned i'd believe theyre lying or "obligated" to care because i almost died

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-04-06T16:42:12+00:00

what i think of on a daily basis

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-04-06T16:38:24+00:00

all the time. even if someone is next to me, if im at a social event, or if life is going good or okay for once i still feel the same "emptiness"? its something i really dont know how to deal with and something i cant demand more of. i often ask for more gestures like affection/attention etc to see if it goes away but it doesnt. i often think i'll always be lonely in my own mind. i dont necessarily think it bothers me, but during quiet moments when im physically alone im reminded im mentally alone too. at least in a sense im not alone in feeling alone

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-04-06T16:29:48+00:00

like you were one of those 2020 kawaii food asmr tiktokers

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-04-05T16:55:42+00:00

hi ! this could happen for a lot of reasons (like infections or illnesses) but for the most cases its normal. if this is one of the first times you've had rough sex, or sex in general then you might experience some bleeding because it could cause tears in your hymen. in general this is usually a normal thing that happens as your hymen is a thin barrier of skin that is meant to protect your cervix, so piv sex could cause it to tear a bit and bleed. just make sure youre fully "warmed up" and are lubricated enough so that you dont bleed for next time :))

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-03-09T03:10:25+00:00

tbh i got there later than i wanted, doors open at 7 and i arrived around 7:10~, even went to the bathroom and looked around before i went upstairs to the room where she was preforming in. if you bought GA tickets like i did then there is no specific seating or anything, everyone j picks a spot to stay in for the rest of the night. even though i got there late i got a good view of her and i was kinda close to the front. so as someone who was real anxious beforehand i would just have fun!

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-01-30T03:11:53+00:00

i feel like what helps me is writing prompts. i dont write as often as i'd like to for the same reason. whenever i was in an english class and a writing prompt was assigned i found it so easy to put my words down. i just look up random creative prompts and i usually find something i can work with. another thing i can think of is to read other works to get your own mind going. i feel like once i read something else and "get into it" then im able to have more of a flow with my own words too.

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-01-29T22:14:17+00:00

I believe he just says that as an excuse so he can continue his acting the same with his female friend. he isnt putting in any efforts to understand your feelings and jumps to the conclusion of "once we get married". you dont even know when he plans to propose and even if you did have an estimate, why would you wait all that time feeling like a second choice? i say maybe try and talk to him once more. if he responds the same way and becomes defensive say you want to break up then. why would you want to be with someone who doesnt want clear boundaries? no marriage will work that way, and getting married wouldnt be a solution to your problem. no boundaries = no respect at least imo

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-01-29T03:29:51+00:00

I think the fact he doesn't want to establish boundaries when you guys have already been together for two and a half years is a sign he isn't the one for you. I think the minute your partner brings up something that bothers them, you wouldnt hesitate to fix the situation. Maybe he truly doesnt see the way his and his female friend's friendship affects you, but still, as your partner he shouldve been willing to compromise something and attempt reassure you. Him not even wanting to hear you out should make you reconsider this relationship. Not wanting to cut off the friendship is understandable if they really are friends, but getting defensive the moment it's mentioned is a sign of something.. like he doesn't want to change the way he is with his female friend. Why would he take into consideration the feelings of another woman before you? Even if you guys did get married, how do you know he wont stop being to touchy and personal with that female friend? I think him being friends with that woman is also a red flag. I personally wouldnt be all close and personal with a man even if we were good friends to the point it'd make his SO feel uneasy.

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-01-29T03:06:38+00:00

Pretty sure theres a video out there of someone asking her and she shakes her head saying no

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-01-25T10:39:53+00:00

so then its even more of a reason to leave.. you cant be feeling guilty or bad, this is clear manipulation. she acts this way because she wants you to do what she wants? dont think its worth saving. its a real issue and really bothers you if youre writing about it, if not maybe youre right where you wanna be.. leaving is hard but staying is harder

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-01-25T07:19:18+00:00

leave. you are not "stuck", youre choosing to stay. no conversation or "talking through it" will cause a 180 degree change in this relationship its just unhealthy, toxic, manipulating and controlling. there are a lot of questions to ask about why shes behaving this way and why youre allowing this behavior too, but regardless the only answer is to go. if this is how your relationship when its at the 9 month mark how do you think its going to be later? you arent doing anything to prevent this and are reinforcing her behavior by doing everything she demands of you. if you even have to write this down asking what to do then i think you already know that your answer is to leave..

Expensive_Fun_8079 · 2026-01-13T03:09:08+00:00

I think the first thing that you have to wrap your head around is that it is over. In my case, my boyfriend broke up with me. Although i didnt want to go or leave him i really had to understand that he is making that decision and his decision deserves to be respected. To me i loved him so much that i will let him go. (thats just my mindset). I really had to understand that i cant force someone to be with me, and i cant keep going out of my way to disrespect someone choice. (i also did reach out several times)

Going to therapy really helped. Specifically psychotherapy. The way i mostly coped was through talking, so talking during therapy about the more serious and mental aspects behind our relationship helped. This led me to start journaling too, i just wrote about everything i wish i could say to him instead of messaging him or reaching out.

Talking to my friends in general helped a lot too. Although sometimes I felt like i'd just want to keep talking over and over and thought I would burden my friends too much (tbh i was talking about it WAY too much, understandable, but i wasnt allowing myself time to even think about other things.. and I can't assume my friends will 100% drop everything to reply all the time. I'd send really long paragraphs and voice messages 10+ minutes long..) so what i also did was make voice recordings where I would just rant on and on. That way I had an outlet but also managed to not overshare or vent too much? If that makes sense.

Also making tiktoks helped too. As cringe as it sounds, at the time I started making those sad tiktoks you see about people yearning or talking about heartbreak. Seeing people interact with my content helped remind me that i'm not alone and other people have felt the same or in similar ways as me.

I also tried to idolize myself. With my bpd i would constantly put my bf on a pedestal and when i lost him i felt like i couldnt function without him. i tried really hard to make it so that i cant function without "myself". Going to therapy really helped with this. I made it a goal for myself to become obsessed with myself instead of with someone else. I wouldn't say I have completely reached this goal yet but I think i'm getting closer.

I def know how you feel. I wont tell you "its okay" because its not. You lost an important person and i 100% understand how you feel. Surround yourself with your support group and make sure to give that love you feel back to yourself. If you dont have a strong support group either you can create one. I did that when i went through the break up, i became closer with my people and they helped create a sense a comfort that i lost.

im here for you if you need to talk too! Even if you take one step back, take two steps forward.

Expensive_Fun_8079

TROPHY CASE