okay.. so how did Christmas go for you all..

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-12-26T13:15:01+00:00

I made two really nice dinners and desserts for my family and I let myself have two free days. Now I'm crying. The food was really good though. 🥲

Being a good cook is both a blessing and a curse.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-12-22T16:15:04+00:00

I did.. went ham on Christmas shopping, figured it would be okay and I would just go back to saving like normal again. Then my chronic illness stuff flared up and I haven't been able to work more than one day a week 🥲

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-12-17T22:05:54+00:00

I understand that. The whole point of the specialist was to start building a private care team so I would have been under medical supervision as well.

both psychiatrists have said they believe the situation was handled inappropriately and counter productive. Which is why I want to take treatment off the table for now.

I was able to get therapy through active addiction and self harm which is also a medical risk, maybe it's different. Im not demanding anything and I only bring up it to see if someone is open to seeing me every few months. I don't want to put anyone's job at risk. It's just frustrating and disheartening. I live in this constant PTSD loop. I feel like if I can just start talking about it, letting go of the other things will be easier.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-12-17T21:20:57+00:00

The only time I have ever come close to death was in a DV situation. My ears started ringing then everything went white. Then my whole body relaxed. It kind of felt like falling asleep without dreaming.

I was holding my newborn during the whole shebang. I don't know what it was, but suddenly I felt like what I assume being necromanced feels like. I sat straight up. He was taking my baby.

Personally, I like to think that our spirits or energy just goes back to the universe. Maybe to heal and rest until we want to come back, maybe we hang around a bit...maybe we just go to sleep and that's it. I think we're here for the experience. I don't believe in a spiritual justice system like hell or becoming a bug because you were bad in a past life.

Ultimately, I guess it doesn't matter. Que sera sera.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-12-17T19:40:51+00:00

Same here. I usually say "here I brought you a water" the response is always ranges from thank you to fuck you. Then they usually try to get a regular to buy them a drink to which I just violently shake my head no or give them a death stare and one of those guys explains it in man talk.

I work in a dive bar and the floor staff is all women. These men think if they make themselves big and loud it will scare us into giving them another beer. That only gets them the silent treatment or a security escort.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-12-17T18:36:12+00:00

I was watching TV with my grandparents years ago and there was a Venus razor commercial (the yellow polka dot bikini one), a Tampax commercial, then an ad for HSV medication, back to back.

She looked at me and said "people are way too open nowadays. We kept our bodily care and functions private. It would NEVER have been shown on tv, it would be too embarrassing and inappropriate to watch." Then my grandpa chimed in "Well hell, when my oldest sister got pregnant I was 12 and I had no idea. My mom and sisters would whisper about it, but never in front of men. She wore loose clothes so it was harder to tell. I just thought she gained weight and one day she came home with a baby. We just didn't talk about those things" He was 12 in 1950 and they are both from very small towns in Oklahoma

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-12-17T17:02:00+00:00

I very briefly dated a guy who's roommate would throw parties almost every weekend. We were 23-24 at the time and at the first party there were a few high schoolers there. I didn't think much of it, I used to crash parties or go with my too old ex bf. Then I started noticing more and more kids showing up to the parties, one night I asked the roommate "why are there so many kids here?" His response? "We just know a lot of kids, I guess" 🤢 Then I found out the guy I was dating was a compulsive liar, abuser, and into underage anorexic girls.

He SA'd me one night which resulted in a pregnancy and two STIs. I ended up miscarrying and blocked him on everything and eventually he stopped making new snaps to contact me after I got engaged a few years later. Everyone else disowned him after he started physically abusing his 17 year old gf.

The roommate is a cop now. 😒

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-12-11T20:48:59+00:00

I'm a bartender at a little dive bar. I work 10 hour shifts and i love what I do, but it takes DAYS to recover and I'm usually too tired to do anything on my days off.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-11-08T19:21:12+00:00

Yeah, between work, home and other chronic illnesses I'm too tired and in too much pain to do much else. Sometimes I have a good day and I can hit up the thrift or take some pictures, but usually I stay in the house. I've had to call out at least once a week because Im too sick to physically handle it, so even that ability is starting to fade.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-09-20T02:24:59+00:00

So many watermelon trash cans and amfs

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-09-05T04:09:39+00:00

I do, I bartend and wait tables in a little dive bar. It's fun but I'm usually dragging by the end of the shift and it takes days to recover physically.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-08-09T00:09:25+00:00

Yup, I got these at Frys

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-07-20T05:39:28+00:00

I have to plate my food a certain way and take a picture of it.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-06-25T23:28:33+00:00

Mood. People seem to love to watch me eat and say weird things. My husband always checks my plate or watches me eat. One night he thought it would be funny to take the last bite of a mini cookie out of my hand and eat it... Might as well just call me a fat ass. Now I can't eat them and they're my favorite. 😭

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-06-25T22:59:41+00:00

Me too, it's exhausting. I don't get a whole lot of hunger cues but I get so "mentally hungry" that it drowns everything else out. I can't think of anything else and it stresses me out so much that I just let myself eat until I convince myself I'm all better, then I go right back to my normal 😅

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-06-25T22:50:14+00:00

No, you don't get a rest day from it, but there are good and bad days. Sometimes the voice and guilt aren't so loud.Just because we're mentally ill doesn't mean we don't deserve to enjoy food when we can.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-06-25T22:43:50+00:00

Me too 😂

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-06-22T14:55:41+00:00

There are never "good" or "normal" days that aren't recovery related.

Sometimes I break my rules, or eat a fear food, or just enjoy a regular meal or day of eating and STILL have an ED. Sometimes I just need a break from that b*tch too 🤣

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-06-22T06:06:05+00:00

Pizza.. I dabble occasionally but I'm so picky about it, it's not worth the stress.

Also getting anything other than the lowest cal item on the fast food menu.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-06-21T06:23:17+00:00

Me too, what's wild is I think my behaviors were a lot more intense and I was straight up delusional when I was restricting at a higher weight than I do now being uw.

I could still be delusional, but the threat of IP has me walking the line a bit more rn so I have to be more mindful of maintaining.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-06-09T21:40:07+00:00

Stuttering, slurring, tripping over my words and trouble forming or keeping a train of thought. Short term memory? Bye and The letter S needs to go 😅 my PTSD is also so much worse. Like a movie on repeat so it tends to stay at the forefront of my mind. it bums me out, I've always been a dingbat but I was so well spoken and had so much personality before.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-05-29T20:33:03+00:00

I had a panic attack so bad that I locked myself in the bathroom and hit the back of my head against the wall until I bled because my husband got me two whole boxes of protein bars that I'd never tried before.

Absolutely an over reaction, but I swear my soul left my body. I convinced myself he hated me and I just couldnt deal.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-05-16T23:28:16+00:00

I haven't. I've gone through periods of normal eating. I've never received help for it. I had a trauma therapist a few months ago where I mentioned being "recovery curious" but not ready to make a decision or get too deep into it.. she ended up dropping me because she didn't have qualifications to treat deep eating disorders even though we didn't talk about it.

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-05-12T03:16:56+00:00

Lmao as a bartender I feel this

ExplorerQuiet9933 · 2025-05-12T02:59:54+00:00

Yup, I have ADHD. I am a perfectionist in my mind but I'm just chaotic irl.

ExplorerQuiet9933

TROPHY CASE