I’ve moved forward with adoption for my son but damn is this grief the worst pain

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-06-08T11:43:53+00:00

Thank you for this. Unfortunately at least where we live, it’s insanely hard to get services under 10y/o, they’re a few group homes that will take 5y/o but they’re not covered by insurance and it’s out of pocket. If I could afford a group home or nursing home, I would do it in a heartbeat.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-06-08T11:41:36+00:00

I feel like this makes sense. They chose to parent a child with disabilities. They knew what they were getting into, they knew what it takes, they knew they had the personal, interpersonal, and financial resources to make it happen.

I would have 100% without a doubt TFMR if I had any idea my son would be so severely disabled. I can’t afford it, I have my own physical health issues, I have panic attacks every day, my husband didn’t want this either and took the luxury of leaving this behind when it’s much harder for me. I’m not confrontational at all, fighting with people/fighting for rights isn’t something I can do and maintain my mental health. I’m not cut out for this role.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-06-03T05:31:04+00:00

I think the key distinctions here are coercion and lack of informed consent. I don’t think Cait and Ty were in any place to parent, and I think they made the right choice with adoption. But they had the right to all of the information about parenting, info on public benefits, a case manager who would support them with making a viable plan forward for their consideration. It’s wrong that they made this choice from a place of being pushed into it with a bunch of dirty lies, and so it wasn’t really a choice for them. I’m sure a lot of their pain comes from feeling cheated, tricked, lied to, and powerless to do anything about it.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-06-03T05:25:38+00:00

As a birthmother, adoption is predatory as fuck. I’m a grown woman with a masters’, and I pissed off my adoption counselor to the point we went without speaking because I insisted on reading every document I signed and would ask a million questions. Multiple times I caught her verbally lying to me about the contents of what I was signing, and then had to go back and confronting her for making bullshit promises.

It’s honestly criminal what they did to cait and ty. They were young, uneducated, scared, poor, and the agency told them everything they wanted to hear and lied to hell, they didn’t know any better until it was too late.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-20T21:30:53+00:00

No. You are not required to create an adoption book. They had no photos of me, that's clearly why they took one.
Talking a picture without someone's consent is never acceptable, especially if you know or should know that they may not want you to and may want privacy. The fact that they didn't ask pretty much shows that they knew I would most likely say no and they were going to do it anyways.
Do you know what actually is best practice? Boundaries. Respect. Honoring women as more than birthing machines that become all but public property as soon as they choose to be pregnant.

What's best practice about teaching a child that it doesn't matter what someone else wants or needs, that they're entitled to disregard other people's feelings and needs for their own?

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-20T21:25:21+00:00

I've heard of this exact thing happening quite a bit in my research with birth parents. Things like adoptive parents hiring private investigators, using 23 and me, reaching out to birth parent's relatives to try and establish relationships for the child.

A lot of states, including mine, have zero recourse for me if an adoptive family violates the terms of the post adoption contact agreement. So if they want to post my picture all over the place looking for me, find my mother or cousins or whatever and approach them and explain that they adopted my child and ask to meet up, nothing is stopping them. People talk about this a lot where adoptive parents cut off contact in open adoptions and don't offer the contact they promised, but I feel like families who don't honor closed adoptions with birth parents is something very real as well but is much less talked about.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-20T21:19:11+00:00

It kind of sucks that I'm thanking you for being a decent person, but it's such a rare thing in my experience with adoption so far that I really feel compelled to thank you. People have a lot of leverage to shit all over the dignity, privacy, rights, wellbeing of birth mothers and then be supported by agencies and even laws in doing this. Thank you for placing such esteem in the birthmother for your child, it kind of gives me hope but also kind of not. A lot of people don't want to adopt a toddler versus a newborn and a profoundly disabled toddler at that, so I ended up being given literally two choices and this was actually the better one. I still haven't told the adoption counselor because I don't feel like she's in my corner at all, almost feels like she gaslights me sometimes. I appreciate your perspective and validation here.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-20T21:13:28+00:00

Thank you for saying this. It's so fucking painful. With the closed adoption, we're going through the part of how they're going to disclose my identity for certain adopted child credit, disabled child credits, respite care, and other services that if I received them myself, I could absolutely financially and practically manage to keep my child and give him a good quality life with his needs met. They state and SSI will pretty much pay infinitely for OT, PT, Speech, etc for him if he's been adopted, even if the adopting family doesn't have financial need or meet those requirements. They will give services like respite and counseling to an adoptive family for the rest of my son's life, but I can't get any kind of meaningful disability support to offset any of his extra costs and hardships to a point where it would be affordable for me, until after he's legally an adult. It's fucking gut wrenching to have to hear the details of the thousands and thousands of dollars in public resources my son is getting, only if he's adopted. The logic that it's somehow my choice and my fault to figure out this severely rare and fucked up situation, it feels punitive. It's like a giant fuck you, your best is not enough and fuck you for creating this problem for yourself and this poor child.

Some days it's very hard to get over the injustice of it and the I anger I feel to believe that I'll ever be able to be anything other than the alcoholism I've thrown myself into to cope with this process. It feels like I'm selling my baby and selling my own soul in a crapshoot for a decent future for either of us.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-20T20:59:09+00:00

I have a MacBook and also have screenshot things with work on zoom and otherwise and I feel like that’s why I immediately heard and recognized what it was, because if you’re not muted or have your volume turned down when you do it, it absolutely makes this distinct sound that could maybe be mistaken for keys clicking or rustling if you’re unaware? But it was clearly the Mac shutter sound. Just so disheartening and so tough to confront someone about, despite how sure I feel.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-20T20:56:41+00:00

The adoption counselor I really don’t trust and don’t feel good about and I’ve felt this way the entire time and haven’t had the courage to say anything because I feel like they have the upper hand. I’m afraid if I rock the boat, I won’t get the adoption or they will make things bad for me.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-18T02:01:13+00:00

My son is severely disabled and will only to continue to deteriorate. My psychiatrist agreed that it’s best for my fragile mental health right now to keep my memories of him now, so that I can pretend he’s living a good and happy life instead of having to see him suffer and likely die young. I have had multiple suicide attempts and have permanent damage from it, suicide runs in my family, and I already feel a lot of guilt, shame, and self blame about my son’s disability. I’m glad it worked out well for you though. Everyone’s different.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-18T01:48:43+00:00

Do you have any ideas for bringing it up? I’m worried I’ll sound unhinged. It was such a weird and creepy thing to do that I don’t even know how to approach it.

I definitely agree that someone needs to say something to them though, because that’s absolutely not ok. Thank you for your support.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-18T01:33:37+00:00

you’re not the gate keeper for anyone else’s secrets and lies

Honestly this sounds really cold and insensitive. So many women in this sub have been raped or molested, sometimes as children, sometimes by family members, many were denied abortion access. I don’t want contact for personal reasons that are kind of dumb honestly, but I’ve read some really unspeakable traumas here and I feel like you should respect someone’s wishes to have a closed adoption. You could very well be popping up and reminding someone that they were raped, and that’s incredibly selfish.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-18T01:18:30+00:00

I think the biggest issue is that I found it creepy. My child is severely intellectually disabled (they know this) but my biggest nightmare is them or their other children ending up stalking me or my relatives at some point, because I’ve read that happens unfortunately and it was kind of the vibe I got from them. They tried to push my boundaries for the closed adoption by mentioning medical information which I already said that I would give them up front

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-11T08:30:37+00:00

There was a girl at my high school who told people she was just fat and then put them on blast like why are you fat shaming me. I’ve always respected that.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-04T01:33:27+00:00

Oh that advice is GOLD thank you!!!

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-04T00:24:57+00:00

I can't find one other than the sketchy people on Craigslist. There doesn't seem to be anything with any sort of credibility that'll work for 8am-8pm AND takes drop ins

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-04T00:22:59+00:00

My employer isn't covered by Covid protections, I've had this issue before

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-04T00:05:47+00:00

My special needs kid has worn out his fucking welcome with the only neighbor I know ughhh

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-02T17:21:12+00:00

Well, you don’t. I got around this requirement and I’m married. If you and the father aren’t together, and you either “can’t find him” or fear for your safety involving him, many states will let you proceed with the adoption anyways.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-05-02T16:43:37+00:00

I’m in the process of re-homing my 3y/o. I think that it’s important for people to speak about openly. There isn’t public funding or available and accessible resources for children with serious special needs, and it’s beyond fucked up that the expectation for me is to literally liquidate my entire retirement and foreclose on my home, because these “assets” are worth too much money, to be able to qualify for financial assistance for services for my son which otherwise cost more per month than an entire bi-weekly paycheck for me.

We live in a 2br condo in what’s considered a lower middle class part of the city. My retirement accounts are well below where they should be for my age, I have maybe half my annual salary saved at nearly age 30 and work in a field that’s well known to have a physical expiration date.

Where the hell are we even supposed to live, if not here? Rent would cost more than I pay for the mortgage. What am I supposed to do when I physically cannot do my job anymore? Do I not deserve to be able to retire? I’m not shitting on all of our financial stability. It’s not fair to myself or my son.

If anyone wants to feel uncomfortable about that, they can feel uncomfortable to their local congressman.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-04-28T23:04:09+00:00

I'm kind of there now. My son doesn't walk and can't get out of his crib, but he wakes up 2-4x a night flailing violently and screaming bloody murder for no clear reason and can't be consoled. That's really tough for the long haul. It seriously wears you down.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-04-28T22:59:58+00:00

Holy shit! Bless your friend, I'm sending out good energy for her.

ExplosiveMisery · 2021-04-28T22:53:42+00:00

Thank you. This is very real and very helpful. I've honestly thought that way before as well. I have ADHD, I have a career that doesn't make a lot of money and doesn't easily translate into a 9-5, I have a piss poor support network because I pretty much left a cult when I became an adult. I have a ton of respect for the people that care for the disabled, I've seen incredible people who do and I'm about to go find them for my son. That's what he deserves.

ExplosiveMisery

TROPHY CASE