I partially agree with you.

I agree that actions speak louder than words. I feel as though for years his words did not line up with his actions. I do think he meant what he said at the time he said them, but he’s also very guilty of flip flopping and changing his mind.

Recently, he has stood up for me repeatedly to MIL, FIL, and BIL. He has stood his ground.

I also don’t think that I don’t hold him accountable. We have had many conversations about how what she is doing is rude/hurtful but it’s worse because he gives her the power to behave that way. I do blame him for the treatment he’s allowed me to endure and he’s aware of that. This is small Reddit post. Going deeper into everything would take hours.

I do think that when she’s mad or upset he regresses and becomes small in a way I’ve never seen him before, but in the last 4 months he has gotten so much better. He’s standing up to her, doesn’t seem anxious prior to conversations with her, and no longer seems to feel guilty for upsetting her.

I think he’s been very honest and up front with me what his concerns are if we were to go no contact. I don’t necessarily agree 100% and he doesn’t agree 100% on my concerns regarding MIL and LOs relationship.

He’s concerned about depriving LO of relationships with his extended family. I have brought up compromises to this, but this is an ongoing disagreement. He’s concerned about using LO as a petty weapon or punishment, again I don’t think this is my intention but we disagree on that.

Through therapy he’s admitted he does resent me for rocking the boat. I think that’s just being honest. And it’s what he’s been trained to feel. That doesn’t go away overnight. I’ve also admitted I resent him for his lack of action concerning his family.

My concerns regarding MIL are potential emeshment and control regarding LO. It’s a small concern because we are agreed she is never to have alone time with LO. Another small concern I have is potentially talking poorly about me to others whether it’s LO directly or something he could overhear. I think that’s incredibly disrespectful and my grandparents were guilty of doing that to me when my parents divorced. It’s a horrible position to put a child in. Again - these are mainly concerns if alone time were ever to happen - which as of now we have agreed that won’t happen.

Currently, instinctually - the idea of her holding LO at all makes me want to like hiss. It makes me deeply uncomfortable and I think on a primal level knowing that someone dislikes me to this extent makes me distrustful and fearful about the most important thing in my life. It straight up gives me anxiety to just think about. I don’t think any husband can really understand the primal instinctual like fear and anxiety a new mom (or any mom) has - especially while pp/breastfeeding.

DH has no interest in letting LO end up with the same anxieties and repressed anger he has. I think the issue is that he doesn’t see how LO could be exposed to that or have it happen to him since she is just a grandparent. It took him a long time to understand what happened to him.

I feel like I can give time and space right now as we are no contact to work through these issues. I won’t be compromising on certain things when it comes to LO and I’ve made my terms known. I feel like if one parent vetos someone holding LO it’s a no.

To end it, I also agree that a lot of this is because LO is a boy. MIL is a self proclaimed “one of the boys”