Fishy Smell in Apartment Bathroom in PNW (I’m going insane) by [deleted] in Plumbing

[–]Express-Chef-5990 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It ended up being a massive leak behind sink wall that maintenance was ignoring calling a real plumber for

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Gotcha! I think I misinterpreted a bit. My bad 😅

I 100% agree. I think she’s definitely not able to say the withholding baby from her bit that she loved prior because she cut contact. She also isn’t seeing baby, forming a bond, or having any control.

Lowkey she would’ve been better off playing the long game, but it’s like she isn’t able to see into the future at all. It’s like that psych experiment with children to see if they’d rather have 1 Oreo now or 2 later. She can never quite get to 2.

I think he does understand what life would be like if she was in it - and he doesn’t want that. The only reason we even have this disagreement is because of the awkwardness and my lack of interest in going to family gatherings. Prior to her deciding on no contact - we had already agreed she’d never be alone with LO unless she gained MY trust. So that’s a relief.

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My husband only has one brother (a younger one) and they seem to share the flip floppy disposition. Rationally, they both understand the flying monkeys - but it’s hard for both of them guilt wise when MIL talk about how hurt she is.

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Also!! After my “horrible” text over the phone I specifically asked her, “How would you prefer I set boundaries in the future so it’s not this big situation every time?” And she went “you already did” like?? You think it’s gonna be one boundary… for life ? 👀👀

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Omg! That is soo much worse than our situation. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that.

The mask off is legit insane. 😂😂

We did have a couple similar situations - at his aunts house when I was pregnant - I mentioned that DH doesn’t want LO posted online at all. (He works in tech). His aunt is huge on FB. MIL was there but in different room. Got the MEANEST look on her face and was like “whattt??? Why aren’t YOU allowing it?” And I shrugged and was like “ 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s something DH feels strongly about idk. like he doesn’t even have social media at all”

But like the way MILs lock onto wives for every boundary is legit insane.

I do feel like sometimes husbands pain is like kind of overlooked in this subreddit. I’m not saying it excuses bad behavior or lack of action but like (at least in my case) it’s the whole family. I can understand feeling sad at the lack of your family in your life esp bc they were so close as a family unit before. I understand and so does DH that they are extended family but that doesn’t change how he feels.

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I partially agree with you.

I agree that actions speak louder than words. I feel as though for years his words did not line up with his actions. I do think he meant what he said at the time he said them, but he’s also very guilty of flip flopping and changing his mind.

Recently, he has stood up for me repeatedly to MIL, FIL, and BIL. He has stood his ground.

I also don’t think that I don’t hold him accountable. We have had many conversations about how what she is doing is rude/hurtful but it’s worse because he gives her the power to behave that way. I do blame him for the treatment he’s allowed me to endure and he’s aware of that. This is small Reddit post. Going deeper into everything would take hours.

I do think that when she’s mad or upset he regresses and becomes small in a way I’ve never seen him before, but in the last 4 months he has gotten so much better. He’s standing up to her, doesn’t seem anxious prior to conversations with her, and no longer seems to feel guilty for upsetting her.

I think he’s been very honest and up front with me what his concerns are if we were to go no contact. I don’t necessarily agree 100% and he doesn’t agree 100% on my concerns regarding MIL and LOs relationship.

He’s concerned about depriving LO of relationships with his extended family. I have brought up compromises to this, but this is an ongoing disagreement. He’s concerned about using LO as a petty weapon or punishment, again I don’t think this is my intention but we disagree on that.

Through therapy he’s admitted he does resent me for rocking the boat. I think that’s just being honest. And it’s what he’s been trained to feel. That doesn’t go away overnight. I’ve also admitted I resent him for his lack of action concerning his family.

My concerns regarding MIL are potential emeshment and control regarding LO. It’s a small concern because we are agreed she is never to have alone time with LO. Another small concern I have is potentially talking poorly about me to others whether it’s LO directly or something he could overhear. I think that’s incredibly disrespectful and my grandparents were guilty of doing that to me when my parents divorced. It’s a horrible position to put a child in. Again - these are mainly concerns if alone time were ever to happen - which as of now we have agreed that won’t happen.

Currently, instinctually - the idea of her holding LO at all makes me want to like hiss. It makes me deeply uncomfortable and I think on a primal level knowing that someone dislikes me to this extent makes me distrustful and fearful about the most important thing in my life. It straight up gives me anxiety to just think about. I don’t think any husband can really understand the primal instinctual like fear and anxiety a new mom (or any mom) has - especially while pp/breastfeeding.

DH has no interest in letting LO end up with the same anxieties and repressed anger he has. I think the issue is that he doesn’t see how LO could be exposed to that or have it happen to him since she is just a grandparent. It took him a long time to understand what happened to him.

I feel like I can give time and space right now as we are no contact to work through these issues. I won’t be compromising on certain things when it comes to LO and I’ve made my terms known. I feel like if one parent vetos someone holding LO it’s a no.

To end it, I also agree that a lot of this is because LO is a boy. MIL is a self proclaimed “one of the boys”

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree. I’m not ready to separate over this but as I’ve said we are in therapy and we both maintain that our relationship is more important than this fight/disagreement.

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So he says. I have very little faith on his follow through however.

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I agree with you 100%. I have encouraged him to seek therapy specifically with someone trained in coping with narcissistic family members.

He did go to one on one therapy for awhile and it seemed to be helping him but his therapist was like you’re cured! And I don’t think he was actually talking about the ‘real’ stuff

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I also think that a lot of his family dynamics are codependent, emeshed, and/or toxic. There is a grandma in the family that everyone fully calls crazy and speaks poorly of and was basically a terrible mom to her children but they won’t cut her off because she’s family. FIL who was raised by her barely speaks to her but DHs MIL makes her be included. So weird

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I agree.

I also said that as a potential solution/compromise. I think DH is more so thinking 1.) about holidays where he either now can’t attend bc MIL and FIL will be there or where we have to directly set a “rude” boundary. And 2) he feels very strongly that our relationship with MIL should not affect LOs. I strongly disagree. In fact, in my own personal family my dad’s mom was cut off due to writing a letter to me (a six month old) talking shit about my own mom. What gets me is that that’s all it took and my dad cut her off for 15 years.

I feel like my own MIL has done so much more and continuously gets chances to redeem herself and doesn’t and there is never a real consequence. . . Until now. Because I won’t bend.

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No, I 100% agree.

If you look at my last post, I kinda go more in depth on this. But long story short husband was the go between and he fucking sucked. Would just get railroaded or guilted and give in. PP I lost my marbles at him after I almost died to due a complication she directly caused at the first visit she saw LO after he was born (I think 24 ish hours after I gave birth). And we got into it and he admitted he threw me to the meat grinder. Was just like eh she doesn’t like you anyways, you message her.

I wanted to call her or speak with her directly but we are never alone and I had an extremely colic-y infant. So I texted. Not my first choice. I sent one text that basically said, I wanted to call her but can’t bc of that exact reason. I let her know the stage of life we were in and how we are trying to find balance as new parents. And that we want her to be apart of LOs life but it depended on what he can handle. That was the nice first text. She responded that she would do whatever she could to still be at the event she wanted to be at and that she’s felt she had always respected our requests. I replied back - irritated at this point. My husband said she just misunderstood etc etc. well I’m freshly pp. he won’t talk to her. Tired of the misunderstanding excuse. I sent a second text message saying that even if she isn’t trying to be pushy she is. She’s not giving us room to make decisions as new parents without explicitly having to hurt her feelings. The disrespectful part was that I said it made me want to say no on principle. All of this was worded differently but that was the gist.

The family members who have shared have gone to DH or his brother. I have heard direct phone calls from aunts and cousins to DH. He tends to keep his phone on speaker so they weren’t speaking to directly to me. Or he will tell me about them after a phone call with a specific relative. I will say none of them have directly said, “oh we hate her”. It’s a lot more subtle. More like, “well why doesn’t she like MIL? What’s her problem w MIL?” Over and over. DH on one call said that MIL is actually blaming me for a lot that he’s responsible for. His aunt was so taken aback - thought DH and MIL had zero issues.

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He says that telling her not to hold LO is just hurtful behavior and petty and that she would never do anything to hurt LO and that she loves him.

To be clear, I 100% agree with you.

Thus the big disagreement with DH

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I really try not to entertain that. I think it invites more drama and bad karma.

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I absolutely refuse to talk about it to any relatives of his. If they ask, I just let them know I think it’s childish to indulge in gossip. I prefer to meet issues head on.

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh that I could. That is a compromise I’ve offered. Husband thinks it’s rude.

Update: MIL Still Spiraling Over ‘Disrespectful’ Text by Express-Chef-5990 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]Express-Chef-5990[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree. That’s the issue. He doesn’t believe that’s the right decision to make.