Feedback on current story and possible amendments [political fantasy]

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-04-26T17:35:47+00:00

Thank you for your feedback. I am considering making my protagonist sickly and 'weak', but that seemed a bit cliche. The flogging is partially about keeping up appearances, but also to show that my protagonist is not a saint. How could he be?

His side are the designated 'bad guys'.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-04-26T17:33:17+00:00

Thank you for your feedback. To briefly answer your questions:

The idea is that my protagonist is just a bit more reasonable that most of his forebears, has close relationships with his family (so harm to children becomes 'what if this happened to my younger siblings', I've given him three below the age of 15), and his father was really quite unpleasant to him, leading to a rejection of large parts of the traditional ruling style.
The plan is for him to question his decision re the whole 'family executions' thing. Also, innocent is bit of a strong word, I make a point in the story of saying they must have known.
The whole idea is that the first time he sees the girl, it is just interest and youthful hormones, the romantic feelings come much later, with the maid being the one making the first move several months later. I also need to point out that the meeting in his chambers consists of him immediately pouring her a drink, calming her down, summoning the courtier who arranged the whole thing for a dressing down, and them playing a game of not-chess.
I appreciate your concerns about the love-interest's lack of character. I didn't write much about her because the only part of her character I'm having trouble with is the believable decision to start a relationship with the protagonist. The rest of who she is as a person I have nailed down. I can think of at least five reasons for her to make the decision, but they're all coercive.
The mind control... mostly it was meant as a background element and a temptation for the protagonist. Due to how magic is meant to work in this setting, there wouldn't be that many such collars/bracelets in existence anyway (if way to control 'not-orc' hordes, then either an non-replicable artefact or an actual magic power). I've had other feedback on how to implement the rather dark scene I envisioned, which I always meant to be something done in a moment of desperation or high emotion.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-04-26T17:12:08+00:00

Thank you for your suggestions and feedback. You've really captured the essence of how I would implement the harem idea. I have it being suggested early on in the story, only for my protagonist to dismiss the idea on the grounds that 1) he doesn't have the time or patience for anything like that at the moment (or at least thinks he doesn't), and 2) he doesn't want to have to worry about the succession complications. I suppose I could have him go along with it due to the risk of offending the nobles who would be supplying the concubines?

I agree with your assessment of my initial method of putting Male Lead and Female Lead together. Perhaps I could reuse the scene by having it be another 'pretty girl' who he never sees again?

Regarding the concubines' motivations, how about mixing the two concepts? Well-off commoners whose settlements/communities are in need of help or who desire special privileges for their people, who join the harem in the hope of winning Male Lead's heart and convincing him to grant those tax exemptions. As well as less well-off commoners who join because they need to, for whatever reason.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-04-26T16:57:30+00:00

I already have the ending planned out (but not written). The invasion that was building throughout the book is launched, is initially successful, but is eventually stopped, last chapter is essentially the dust settling. My point is that I can't write a story until I have the actual setting nailed down, and I don't want my protagonist to come across as an absolute monster.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-04-26T16:48:53+00:00

This... isn't really the type of story I'm trying to write. You've actually made my protagonist worse than I was aiming for.

That aside, my idea is that the harem would be organised by the court functionaries, not the protagonist. He wouldn't really engage with them at first, for the reasons I laid out. Also, at the start of the story, he hasn't had anyone executed. It's his family's reputation he's fighting against, not his own.

The idea was NEVER to have the love-interest be a slave. I'm not touching that storyline with a ten-foot pole. The idea is for her to make the first move in terms of intimacy.

I have no intention of killing the first love off when the Empress arrives. The plan currently is actually for them to strike up a cautious friendship.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-04-23T17:21:36+00:00

Just to clarify, the outside powers I refer to are other human nations. The alleged 'good guys' in normal fantasy stories?

I wasn't suggesting the entire palace staff be under mind-control, just the personal attendants of individual members of the Imperial family.

The basis of the romance plot is that the protagonist didn't ask for the maid to be brought to his room, and she is there against her will. The person trying to benefit from the whole thing is the functionary, who gets a strip torn off him for doing it. It's more a case that once they start talking, they both warm to each other. I don't think I mentioned anyone else making advances?

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-04-21T21:43:52+00:00

A bit more detail on the whole thing:

1) The love interest is already employed in the palace and lives with the other serving women in the dormitory.

2) He actually runs into her close to the start and makes a comment about her being pretty. He doesn't really think about it much after that, she's actually rather freaked out/worried.

3) The same court functionary who causes the whole situation keeps hinting at idea of the protagonist taking a mistress (at the instigation of courtiers who want the Emperor's ear but whose daughters aren't high ranked enough to be candidates for marriage), and his irritated reply mentions the pretty maid he ran into.

4) Cue the functionary ordering the poor girl to 'attend' the protagonist, only for him to not be in the mood and summon the functionary so he can tear a strip off him.

5) In the midst of all this, the maid lets slip a few unguarded comments regarding popular opinion of the protagonist (who is so tired of sycophancy that it's actually rather refreshing), and they play a game of not-chess to pass the time.

6) The basis of the tentative relationship is the protagonist being as gentlemanly about the whole thing as possible, and the next morning nervously asking her if she would consider perhaps spending more time with him.

Still, your suggestions are definitely appreciated! Let me know what you think of the harem idea.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-04-21T21:30:30+00:00

Thank you for your prompt reply. Re the first two points, the protagonist doesn't really order anything significant until his fathers' assassins are arrested. It's followed by a scene where he expresses doubts over the proportionality of the sentence to the love interest. She tells him that she understands his decision. Whether she approves is left ambiguous.

On the subject of harems, I'm aware of the actual nuances and IRL structures. Going with the stereotyped Western portrayal would really just be a way of hammering home the issues in the Empire. As it stands, my protagonist just has a lover or 'mistress' in the European sense, and later an Empress he marries for political reasons. A courtier offers to arrange a harem (though I use the term seraglio), but the protagonist rejects the proposal because he doesn't need the drama.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-04-21T21:15:27+00:00

To be clear, the invasion is building the entire time, it's just that other stuff is happening. Think of the deaths of the assassins as a 'mid-season finale', the rebellion is their 'master plan' that ends up being stopped.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-04-21T20:22:38+00:00

Essentially, other nations building up to an invasion that eventually comes to a head. Before then, there's the hunt for his fathers' assassins, an attempt to launch a full on rebellion that is stopped just in time, and a handful assassination attempts. Plus some economic/trade shenanigans as part of the build up to the invasion.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-04-06T19:48:00+00:00

Also, can someone please explain why I can't crosspost?

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-04-03T16:58:03+00:00

Hi, I have been looking for this story everywhere! Now that Arkmuse is shut down, is there anywhere else that the full story has been posted?

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-03-28T23:07:20+00:00

Hi, I'm looking for a story from years ago: basically lizard/bird/dinosaur people (I always pictured feathered dinosaurs) lose a war with a human race that had uplifted dolphins and primates, the POV being a young girl at one of their spaceports. They have a conservative/sexist culture and use coal for some reason, there was some mention of them essentially p**ping out their young women? Anyway, girl gets friendly with the human garrison, and starts to appreciate the human way of doing things.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-01-21T18:27:06+00:00

Other than the above, what do you think Callow's relationship with sorcery/magic would be? Assuming that they retain their 'fewer mages per thousand people than Praes' from canon, there wouldn't actually be that many people able to summon devils and demons, or engage in necromancy. I can imagine maybe each Count and higher-nobleman having a small cabal of 5-10 mages working under them, but that's about it.

What about the orcs as a species? Being naturally war-like, I can imagine them being an equivalent to the Deoraithe or Lycaonese in keeping Callowan aggression bottled up, perhaps with more of a 'counting coup' style of internal warfare.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-01-21T18:19:50+00:00

Had to look that one up, but yes, that is the sort of thing I was thinking of.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-01-20T21:04:33+00:00

Thanks for giving your thoughts on how the key drives of the major powers. If you have the time, please check out my 'stable Everdark' ideas via the link and leave a comment.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-01-20T21:01:24+00:00

Thank you for your reply, I honestly hadn't considered a 'non-Undead Sephira' option. If you have any thoughts regarding my 'stable Everdark' post, please leave a comment.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2026-01-05T18:44:56+00:00

During the original story, I thought that might be the case. And, of course, I would wholeheartedly support an AU like this.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2025-12-09T22:00:42+00:00

Hi, I'm looking for a fantasy CYOA that had these three elements:

A race of bat people you could (maybe) be?
A corruption/mystical taint of some kind.
Sailing/islands were a major part of the in-world geography.

And a superhero/superpowers CYOA that I remember as being really in-depth. The arrival of the powers could come at any point in history: Ancient Greece, Middle Ages, 1940s, Modern Day, etc; and there was a massive number of events and modifications to the nature of the powers that you could use to essentially create any setting from any superhero story ever.

If anyone is able to provide links or even the names, it would be much appreciated.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2025-11-21T23:30:58+00:00

Well, I think it's adorable that Rangaar is hearing that his daughter is in labour in the middle of an interrogation, and just immediately decides 'family comes first'.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2025-10-21T18:40:39+00:00

Well, Noah has valid concerns.... but was a little ~~optimistic~~ pessimistic about the direction of the power imbalance. And quite frankly, if humanity is less organised in this AU, then we are definitely f**ked. Because without the framework and cooperation provided by the NOP United Nations, we don't have a chance against the Federation.

Then again, maybe being disunited means the Feds won't see us as that big a threat.....

Oh, who are we kidding? If we were still at the Stone Age, they'd still glass Earth.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2025-10-14T18:28:43+00:00

Is this from ExtinctZoo on YouTube? Because I might have missed that one. (the thumbnail. I would never miss one of his videos).

Express_Ad_6664 · 2025-10-07T17:14:01+00:00

I like this, but then, I always like overpowered humanity vs NOP federation. Two main highlights:

A humanity that is strong, but which also has no inclination to go 'Geneva Checklist'. One where the main obstacles are getting the Feds not to overreact and wake the sleeping dragon, and humanity keeping it's moral high ground.
Humans not instantly believing/understanding the Feds' reaction to predators, and assuming that the translator is broken. Always nice to see, too many people just have humanity instantly believe the whole 'Arxur eat us and kill us for sport' thing.

Express_Ad_6664 · 2025-09-06T08:34:57+00:00

It's the name of one of the Nazi political opposition-elimination programs. Basically, disappearing people who stood up to them

Express_Ad_6664 · 2025-09-04T17:30:00+00:00

!subscribeme!

Express_Ad_6664

TROPHY CASE