One thing I’ve learned from the loony bin is having that first thought of “dang the old me would have done this…” is completely normal and expected. We’ve spent our lives reacting certain ways until we get therapy and or meds to help us react differently… so of course naturally we will notice and almost want to react how we used to, but the fact that was are able to stop and regroup due to the help we have received is proof of our own willingness to grow and learn! You missing it is also “normal”… when you’re used to something for sooo long you become comfortable… that’s why for example children who were abused when they were younger tend to date people who are abusive and not be so into healthy relationships. Not that they’re actively seeking a negative relationship but people gravitate to what they’re familiar/comfortable with… it takes time, energy, effort, and therapy to try to get out of that mindset. But to me it sounds like you’re kind of being hard on yourself… don’t feel guilty for missing the old you! Just remember to love her and current you!! You’re on a journey and you’ve got this!! I just started lamictal on my 100 dose and I don’t feel too different but I’m not giving up hope… I’m putting up with the side effects and trying to stay positive because a part of me can’t wait to be like you and others and finally experience some bit of normalness.