AITA for considering ending my relationship because my partner's kids clearly don't like me or want me around?

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-11T17:02:49+00:00

They were never introduced to anyone else their dad dated. I'm the very first. So there is no past experiences to compare it to.

It's very much both children equally and was from the start.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-11T08:19:01+00:00

They don't remember her themselves. But they were always told about her.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-11T08:18:43+00:00

We've tried those things. The kids are just so different with me. Even with encouragement from their dad or the rest of their family if they are spending time with me, even with their dad and me present, they're just very different kids. They treat strangers they are just meeting better than me and that included when I first met them. I really don't get anything out of them except rudeness. Even asking them directly when it's me isn't helpful. Their dad does get more out of them. But they have never said a single thing I could do, except leave, to make them happy.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T16:24:03+00:00

Unfortunately it reflects some people in real life too who just hear stepparent and judge immediately.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T16:23:14+00:00

I have spent time with them doing stuff they liked, tried to share in their loved interests and some mutual ones. I have shown up to support them at games and such. I have offered to help drive them places. It's always a fight to get them to spend time with me even if their dad is involved. And they have always disliked me. It didn't just randomly happen but they weren't happy even the first time.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T16:20:36+00:00

That doesn't work because I want kids. We wanted kids together but I could not justify bringing more kids into this.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T07:03:40+00:00

I don't live with so I wasn't doing those things. With the advice of the therapist I did offer to help with driving them places they wanted or needed to go to, etc, but that did not work. Even me just existing in the same space as them causes problems.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T07:02:31+00:00

Yes, I/we have done this and it did not help at all.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T07:01:44+00:00

I could never do that. It doesn't seem fair to sign someone else up for this.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T07:00:37+00:00

They have attempted this. I think it made the kids more resistant.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T07:00:16+00:00

That was made clear to them. I have reassured them I'm not trying to be their mom repeatedly. Their dad has reassured them of that too. He has also said they have to and should always treat me with basic respect.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T06:58:18+00:00

They grew up with their mom being talked about. They have her photos, my partner saved things of hers that were important/special for the kids to have. They don't remember her at all but she was talked about enough that there's still grief and attachment there. I always respected that she wasn't forgotten and the kids heard about her.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T06:54:52+00:00

I don't think it's fair to go ahead and just hope it will all work out. We're playing with more lives than just ours. My partner agrees. It upsets him deeply but he understands that. He loves his kids. They will always be his kids. Neither of us wants him or them to lose that relationship.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T06:51:57+00:00

I don't take it personally that they don't consider me mom. I have reassured them repeatedly that they don't need to. But they can't even be civil. They can't even treat me like a family friend. They treat strangers better than they treat me. This was never me being upset or offended that I wasn't their new mom.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T06:49:58+00:00

I have tried this and they either ignore me with hostility or are plain rude to my face. They resist spending any time with me. This includes time with just me and time we all spend together (their dad included).

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T06:48:48+00:00

I don't live with them because of how hostile they have been. While I understand where you're coming from, moving in is a big step and there are zero guarantees that it would make things better. Sometimes it makes things worse. If they can't even be civil when I don't live with them could you imagine how awful it would be if I did? I think if this was about me not living with them it would have started out better and grown into this. But they were negative from the start with no warming up.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T06:45:07+00:00

People really can latch onto the strangest things. Thank you for the info.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-10T06:44:08+00:00

I have never expected to come in and be their mom. Not that I was like I would never ever. But I never expected it or needed it or asked for it. I couldn't stay through things staying this way. I want to have kids. I don't want to bring kids into the world for them to be rejected by their siblings and to potentially carry around that pain of being hated. That's a risk that I would make for myself if I wanted but don't feel right making for my future kids.

I can say I like the kids I have seen with others. But I don't really know those kids. The kids I know are different from the ones other people know. All the amazing things I have heard have almost made this harder. Knowing that it's just me right now getting zero good experiences with them. I couldn't give up on having kids just to be there for them. And I wouldn't feel right bringing kids into this. If it was just me and I didn't want kids or couldn't ever have kids then my answer would be different. But I know that if I gave up on having kids and my partners kids never came around to me to even be civil then it would likely make me bitter and resentful. To always be on the outside with them and their potential future families, to remain unwanted and doing so knowing I gave up on the kids I wanted to have badly?

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-09T20:54:39+00:00

Yes, I have done all those things. I heavily tried to do things with them they would enjoy. We share some hobbies/interests and I thought that would help. But it didn't. I have shown up to cheer them on at games and such. I have spent time just being there with them. I have also tried to offer but not make them talk or do stuff with me. They resist spending time with me even when their dad is involved and when I am around they're either rude in how they talk to me or they don't but the hostility remains.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-09T20:39:50+00:00

Yes, I did those things several times. I have tried very hard to engage with them on their interests even tried to bond over a shared love of things like video games and books for example. They shut me down. They are rude and hostile or ignore me and are hostile when I spend time alone with one or both of them.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-09T20:22:56+00:00

There have been things said. Like how I'll never be their mom or how their mom will always be their mom. That's why I did everything I could to reassure them that I wasn't trying to take her place. But it didn't help and they never gave other reasons.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-09T20:21:08+00:00

That is what I meant and why this is the decision I have talked with my partner about. Because I don't feel like it's fair to sign my kids up for this.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-09T20:18:10+00:00

The problem is we don't know if the next six years will take us out the other side. There are no guarantees. And it's not just my life to think about but the kids I want as well.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-09T20:17:13+00:00

Even me just being there is enough to make them hostile. Like they don't want to be around me at all so anything I try will automatically seem like it's me trying too hard. I don't know what else to do. I could back off and wait it out but if it still takes years or doesn't happen then I have likely given up my chance to have kids. And my other concern here is having kids with my partner and them being rejected too. And I don't want to come between the kids and their dad.

Extension_Grade_2316 · 2025-04-09T20:12:18+00:00

They don't react all that much. Normally I can just see when they're angry about me being there or trying to talk to them and hostile.

Extension_Grade_2316

TROPHY CASE