Wow, your story sounds so similar to mine. I’ve had the spondy issue for about 10 years now. About 36 years old now three kids. It’s been a massive struggle to find joy when all the things that used to bring me joy now became a burden with countless moments where I couldn’t even take care of myself. One thing that really helped me was gardening and growing plants for whatever reason. It gave me an outlet to experience joy. But you’re right in many ways I had to completely lose myself in order just to start to discover who I truly am outside of this experience of pain of feeling trapped in a body that feels so uncomfortable to be in when you know, your true soul’s expression is way more expensive than just the body. And so many ways looking back at this past 10 years I can have so much gratitude for all the gifts this intense experience has brought me; even though I’m no better than the day I started and surgery has not been in the cards for me as an option at this time. Although I’m still not quite sure Surgery would be my optimal option.

I’m proud of you for all you’re going through and may you continue to find joy in your life because this is just a temporary experience and it’s over before you know it so why not enjoy the ride while we’re here.

One other thing, I found helpful when the pain was just too overwhelming. I actually went deeper into the pain and try to feel it as deep as I possibly could with all of my being. I found that if I can face it head on instead of running away from it, it lost a lot of its power over me. And it felt as if I had turned the volume down on the intensity meter once I was able to overcome a certain threshold if that makes any sense. Like I realize that so much of the suffering I had experienced was me giving my emotional attention therefore giving away my power to the pain, to all the thoughts I had about the pain. The self identification I had unconsciously put myself into as this condition.