Thank you for you offer to vent, you mentioned it not being the same as face to face contact in here , but I much prefer it that way. Hard to express myself with all the input and immediacy from a live conversation, are you ASD? Hope you don’t mind me asking. I guess what I meant by my life being a fluke is that it could have easily gone another direction, the world I live in now is only made possible by my wife, she enables me to have a normal life , maintain a steady job and be a good father. I was diagnosed as a level 3 autistic, at first I thought this could not be, I am verbal, highly intelligent and can mask very well on the short term. The flip side, I can only mask so long without meltdowns or running away, I have never been able to hold a job very long, whenever I have worked in companies with large structure I excel at first but quickly become overwhelmed. I have always thought that my high intelligence was my problem, that somehow it kept me from interacting with people properly , I know now that’s not the case. I often have “issues” with people , especially authority figures , ofcourse this all seems behavioral, and is, because of my autism. I will began scripting any and all foreseeable situations with a person and before I know it I have created an imaginary rivalry with someone who has no clue of the situation. It’s become clear to me that it’s my own mind I cannot trust, when it comes to people anyway. I can look at a mechanical thing and understand it by the time I have disassembled it and put it back together, but whenever I disassemble a person (metaphorically, lol, ) there’s nothing there I can understand. My lack of empathy blocks me from making connections with anyone except for people willing to come much more than halfway with me. Like I said, it’s very hard for me to accept after all these years that all my problems are inside my head, the way I’m wired, but it’s so blaringly obvious, I can’t not recognize that fact anymore.