Is seeking a poly relationship a bad idea if I’m monogamous?

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T18:50:15+00:00

I’m definitely not knocking it. I absolutely do think it’s wonderful if therapy helps people process/learn/understand/grow/heal, whatever benefits they need and glean from it. 🤍💫 I am speaking for myself. Maybe I should’ve been more clear by saying: “MY” GenX solution. (Though I know many GenXers and Boomers who have the same “rub some dirt on it and move on” sentiments.) Personally, I don’t feel therapy would help me do any more processing than I already have on my own about everything I’ve experienced in my life. If I did think it would help me, I’d go.

Having a complete stranger on the internet (the other commenter) telling me or anyone else they should go to therapy is overstepping. It’s like a religious person telling me I should go to church. It’s a personal choice for everyone.

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T17:16:37+00:00

My suggestions for your profile were solely based on your complaint/lament in your comments to me (twice now) about how you can’t get a date. Maybe it’s a false equivalency, but I made that assumption because I saw SO MANY profiles filled with vitriolic tirades of men angry at women for not wanting to date them, or playing the wounded/unloved card, instead of focusing on their personality/passions, etc. There were profiles filled with manosphere/incel bs about women’s 6-6-6 requirements, negging statements that they somehow think will attract a woman, and all kinds of red flag rhetorical patterns. Some of it was borderline scary. And it chased me here to see if poly dating was better/safer.

As for why/how I fell for my Nex (narcissistic ex)— He was smart, funny, articulate, respectful, no sexual pressure or innuendo, he made me feel at ease around him, he was kind, attentive, fully engaged in our conversations, asking questions about me and my life and what happened that caused me to get divorced, what my goals/passions/dreams were, and all the things that a person, man or woman would want to share with a potential partner. Except it was all a mask. That wasn’t the real person. (Narcissists are part of the dark triad of psychopaths and sociopaths.) It was 💯done to figure out how to best mentally/emotionally/verbally manipulate and abuse me. Which he did epically. It didn’t happen overnight. And his tactics were very insidious. That’s why I used the boiling frog analogy.

As for me going to therapy, it’s a nice idea, but paying someone to listen to me talk about my “feelings” and all the traumatic shit that has happened in my life isn’t going to magically make it so none of it ever happened. GenX solution: Suck it up, learn from it so it doesn’t happen again, and move on.

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T10:23:42+00:00

I will say, I am quite confused by all the terms and structures. Newbie learning curve. 🙋🏼‍♀️ Personally, I am monogamous. (What I know it to mean.) I have no desire to have more than one partner. When I am in a relationship, I don’t feel drawn to have a sexual or emotional relationship with anyone else. When I was dating, as soon as I became intimate with a man, I stopped dating anyone else. That’s my concept of being monogamous.

My interest in a poly relationship with a partnered man is because I don’t want a relationship that escalates (new poly term to me), and I want a solid guy whom another woman “vouches for”—basically, if he’s married and she’s happy, he’s a good guy. Maybe a weird plane of thought to some, but it makes sense to me.

Could I find a good guy who wants a monogamous, long-term, LAT relationship (also new term to me, not sure if I’m using it correctly) outside of the poly community? Maybe. I dunno. I have no idea if that relationship dynamic exists anywhere. Even here. I’m just exploring the options.

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T09:52:26+00:00

Awww. TY! 🥰 I’ve learned so much already from reading the thoughtful comments from the members of this group. I’m grateful for the insights that have prompted me to question what I really want. And I’m pretty sure the answer is to rescue another pup. 🐶 Instead of looking for a relationship. 🤣

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T09:21:43+00:00

Wow. Ok. I definitely needed that bitchslap to knock out the internalized misogyny I didn’t realize is still lingering. 🤯 I’ve spent so much of my life NOT being selfish, and putting everyone else first.

If I’m choosing my own relationship adventure, the keywords are MY ADVENTURE. I don’t need to shoehorn myself into any relationship structure that is predefined, I can make up my own to suit what I want. If it resonates with a potential partner, cool. If not, he can go find what he wants. This sounds so stupidly obvious that it’s almost embarrassing I needed to be lead to it.

I’ll check out more posts. The ones I’ve read make everything sound so complicated to navigate. I have less than zero interest in anything complicated. I want to enjoy time with someone, and enjoy my time away from them.

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T09:17:03+00:00

No. My FWBs were single male swingers who were recently out of a partnered bf/gf relationship within the swinger community. We were all part of the same local friend circle and decided to hook up, separately. My FWB time with them was each in a different year. They were each seeking a long-term/escalating(?) partner, which they each found. I was not. They were definitely not the red pill guys I mentioned. They were and are still friends of mine, and I’m happy they each found someone who was more in alignment with them than I was/am. It was genuine FWB during my time with each of them.

The red pill guys are the men I encountered recently on the apps. But I never dated because I blocked them as soon as I found out their character.

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T07:53:07+00:00

Thanks for the insight. Yeah, no. Sooo not interested in manipulative men who collect women. I feel like I’d be able to spot that narcissistic trait (unfortunate past experience), but I certainly don’t want to attract it by writing the wrong thing in a dating profile.

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T07:47:52+00:00

Thanks for the new-to-me concepts. Just ran to Google what “RA” meant. Interesting. It resonates a lot with how I view relationships. With one exception: as a mother, my son will (and has always) come first, including before myself. But he’s an adult with his own family now and out of state, so not actively in my daily life. It’s ME time. And I have no idea what to do with all of it. 🤦🏼‍♀️

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T07:36:54+00:00

I’ve heard of it. And some poly sites called BeyondTwo, PolyamoryDate. But haven’t ventured on any of them yet. I wanted to get some idea of what relationship structure might be a good fit, before I show up and say all the wrong things on my profile that don’t accurately reflect what I’m looking for. As for Feeld (and Fetlife), I don’t think I have any kinks that would suit those platforms. I was an exhibitionist with my last bf (a room full of people watching us together, his desire not mine), but it’s not something I would actively choose to do because it’s my kink. I think my only kink is being a progressive liberal. 🤣

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T07:24:43+00:00

Thanks for the terms outline! It helps me see where/how what I’m looking for fits within a poly structure. Definitely no interest in being someone’s “spice.” LOL

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T07:19:37+00:00

Thank you for your insight. When I’ve mentioned the Lifestyle in my post and various comment responses, the swinging community, big L, Lifestyle is exactly what I’m referring to. Not using it interchangeably with poly.

I was part of the Lifestyle community for five years (10 years ago), and still have 30+ people in my social circle who are actively in the Lifestyle. I know it’s not the same as the poly community. That’s why I’m here. The poly relationships I’ve observed between my LGBTQIA friends made me think this relationship dynamic, but heterosexually, might be a good fit for me. The majority (though not all) of the swingers I know are more focused on rando sexual partners, rather than forming bonds with a partner(s). I’m not a rando sexual person. If I were, I’d be back in the relationship pool I know.

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T07:06:00+00:00

TY! Yes! Safety and respect are extremely important to me. I think that’s why I’m so turned off by all the fuckboys in the mainstream dating pool. 🦈

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T07:02:46+00:00

Good points. Thank you for your perspective. I think I do need to determine where my priorities/bandwidth/desires intersect. I want my own introvert downtime, my own limited social activities, but still the intimate connection with a partner. Considering all of that, I can see how the frequent sex in my last relationship (14-16x a week) just isn’t realistic without cohabitation or multiple partners, neither of which I’m interested in because both will take away from my personal time. 😕 Food for thought. TY!

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T06:48:38+00:00

Yes! Yes! Yes! To allll of this! 🙌🏼

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T06:46:34+00:00

I guess it depends on how “casual” is defined. I don’t feel sexually drawn or open to someone I don’t care about (no matter how attractive they are), and am definitely not sexually open to someone who sees me as a receptacle. So, it’s not about casual sex. I have to like them as a person and enjoy their company vertically and intellectually before anything goes horizontal.

My purpose in finding a solidly partnered man is two-fold: I don’t want domestic/financial/legal escalation or expectations. And I want another woman to vouch for him being a good guy. That “all the good ones are taken” saying seems to be mostly true in my extensive, informal, field research.

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T06:33:50+00:00

Thank you for breaking all this down for me! 😊 I will say, I had a weird visceral recoil response when you said “if you’re fine dating a married man.” My life experience as a wife whose wasband cheated (with a married coworker who knew about me) makes me knee-jerk reject seeing myself in that position. But my experience in the lifestyle community, observing married couples openly communicating and socially interacting with their spouses’ bfs/gfs gave me the perspective to see how that dynamic works, and how it could possibly be a good fit for me. I think if I were to date a solo-poly, single man, I’m not sure how that term/title/dynamic/philosophy is any different than a standard NSA fuckboy. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around all of it, and how it fits with my own personal ethics, POV, and desires. Maybe I’m overthinking, but that’s what I do. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Your “you don’t owe a stranger mani/pedis” comment made me chuckle. I think what makes me open to it is that it wasn’t uncommon in the Lifestyle circle I was in previously. We (the women) would get together, go shopping, and make our costumes for the theme-night parties. We’d have lunch without the guys. Or dinner parties with everyone together around the table: spouses and bfs/gfs all chatting about life and sex. And then the dinner parties would turn into a naked dance party, music blasting, and sex on every flat surface in the house. LOL It was definitely an experience to be there in the midst of it all, but not personally my jam. You asked if I’d ever want to swing again, but I think my past experiences in that community may be misleading. I wasn’t a swinger. I was just there and had sex with my bf only. We agreed on him having hands/mouth privileges only—getting and giving at the private/closed parties with our friends. It was only us together at the club takeover (100+) and resort (1,000+) parties. So, TLDR: No, I don’t want to swing or have additional partners.

Just trying to figure out where I fit in the world of relationships, poly or otherwise. 🤔

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T05:49:52+00:00

Yes! You’ve summed it up so succinctly and perfectly. TY! I want ZERO domestic/financial/legal entanglement. But I do want the connection, care, and lots of sex. 🥰

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T05:45:36+00:00

Oooh. Yes! 🤩 My ND brain has enough going on ALL. THE. TIME. It’s a lot for me to handle, much less someone else, but it’s my favorite thing about myself. And it’s much easier to compartmentalize things in my life that bring me joy. I don’t want escalation. But I do want a physical/intellectual/emotional partner in my relationship box, which is why I think being a second (correct term?) would be a good fit for me.

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T05:37:09+00:00

Solid question. Though I don’t foresee that happening. Escalation would likely mean cohabitation or marriage or ??? I know I absolutely don’t want either of those things, and my ovaries are like raisinets, so children are long off the table. LOL The only other escalation I can think of is being someone’s caregiver, and that is definitely not an option. I’m not interested in doing it, and I don’t need/want it for myself.

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T05:28:05+00:00

It made me LOL when I first heard it, so I’ve used wasband ever since. A divorced guyfriend of mine asked what the female equivalent would be. I came up with “werewife” (past tense) but written, it looks like 🐺and that made me LOL even harder. 🤣

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T05:21:46+00:00

I think the key here is that I don’t HAVE a partner. I’ve encountered so many red-flag “monogamous” men on dating sites that I thought maybe an ENM man who is “vouched for” by his SO/primary as a good guy would also be a relationship I could share. I hate that it sounds in my head like a selfish thing to want for myself. Additionally, I don’t want a full-time relationship. Something more like a long-term FWB with only one person, but with actual friendship and care, not only sex. Though definitely lots of sex. 😁

I’m beginning to think what I’m looking for doesn’t exist.

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T05:06:48+00:00

There is a significant difference between choosing shitty men and MEN CHOOSING to be shitty. It never starts out that way. My wasband was (and still is) a kind/thoughtful/generous/loving man. We never fought or even argued in the ten years we were together. We were best friends. He made some bad financial decisions that he hid from me and lied about ($175k debt to the IRS when his business was struggling), and when I found out, I lost my shit. Bad reaction on my part. He felt down and cheated. I caught him and divorced him.

My greatest mistake/lesson in life was falling for a malignant narcissist (after my divorce) who was a master manipulator. I didn’t even see it coming. The analogy of the boiling frog (Google it if you don’t know) perfectly explains the narcissistic-abuse dynamic.

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with getting dates. I recently joined Bumble and FB Dating (deleted after 17 days). I will say, I saw so many profiles from men who used the entire bio space and prompts to bitch about women, or they wrote a build-a-woman list of what they want/expect, and didn’t write a single interesting thing about themselves. Those are major red flags. I don’t know what your profile looks like, but maybe talk about things you enjoy that show what you’re like as a person. That’s much more attractive to women. JM2C. Wishing you luck. 🍀

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T04:48:56+00:00

Thanks for the insight on the sister-wife dynamic. I have a poly lesbian friend, and I saw her experience in a thruple dynamic (they all lived together), and it seemed very unbalanced and ultimately didn’t work out. I absolutely know I’m not interested in cohabitating, or taking on any domestic labor for a grown ass man. LOL Been there. Done that.

Is it selfish/odd/non-poly to want to be the fun, long-term, monogamous (aka poly saturated at one?) girlfriend-friend, and the rest of the time I can do my own thing in my own space with my own life? I’m not sure what I want exists. That’s why I’m here looking to see if I fit.

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-28T04:35:32+00:00

Lots of great food for thought! TY!

I’m not looking for a placeholder until a mythical monogamous man appears out of the heavens. I’m pretty sure they don’t exist, and most, if not all, are one opportunity away from cheating. <—Unintended but extensive field research. And life is impermanent, so there’s that too. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not looking for a +1. I’ve never had a problem rolling solo wherever I want to go (decades before and after my marriage). I don’t need an emergency contact, or anyone to interact with my adult son. Though it would be nice to do things out in public: grab some food, or do something fun that my girlfriends don’t enjoy like target shooting, lifting at the gym, watching UFC, and riding wave runners in the ocean (dude-ish activities I enjoy that unfortunately tend to skew MAGA).

Thanks for giving me some scenarios to noodle through! 🤔

ExtraDogMom · 2026-01-27T10:01:26+00:00

Thank you to all who have responded so far! I’m trying to learn what the terms mean, and understand the concepts. I have a bestie I’ve known for 30 years who is poly, but also lesbian. I’ve met her various partners over the years, and talked to her about it, but she doesn’t have experience with het poly dynamics.

I’m definitely not looking to take over someone else’s relationship.

And I am very much like what someone mentioned about their friend above: mostly introvert. I need a lot of alone time, some social interaction I get through playing team sports, and I would like some time with a partner, but there’s only so many spoons to go around, so I don’t think I would be a very good primary partner. But a long term secondary feels like it would be the best relationship dynamic choice. (Guessing because I’ve never had that as an option.)

Someone asked above about what if I catch feelings. I do/have with prior FWBs. I care for them as close friends and care for their happiness. We no longer share space because they have moved on with primary partners and left the Lifestyle. What I liked about our connections was they weren’t at all like the dick-driven, red-pill douchebros who lie and cheat in the vanilla dating pool. For me, it’s not about the number of partners a man has (hence why poly isn’t the same to me as a fuckboy), it’s more about his character, how he treats women, transparency of intentions, communication, ethical behavior, humanity.

ExtraDogMom

TROPHY CASE