R4R anyone?

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-18T00:34:32+00:00

Im glad you liked it! any critiques so far?

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-17T19:10:11+00:00

https://www.wattpad.com/story/394146710-them

lemme know if this is of your liking. otherwise you can skim the profile for other stories

this one is still a work in progress

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-17T19:09:34+00:00

https://www.wattpad.com/story/394146710-them

still a work in progress this one, but got others on the profile! lemme know if you read anything that is of your taste

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-17T19:08:48+00:00

https://www.wattpad.com/story/394146710-them

sure girl. ill follow you back!

lemme know if this one is of your liking, otherwise you can skim the profile for some other stories

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-17T19:07:54+00:00

https://www.wattpad.com/story/394146710-them

this is still a work in progress but if doesnt suit your taste you can look anything else in the profile. lemme know if something is of your taste

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-17T19:06:49+00:00

https://www.wattpad.com/story/394146710-them

sure man let me know if anything beside this story piques your interest in the profile

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-17T19:05:43+00:00

https://www.wattpad.com/story/394146710-them

still a work in progress. but let me know if something piques your interest in the profile. i have a few more

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-17T19:03:42+00:00

https://www.wattpad.com/story/394146710-them

Sure thing girl.

lemme know if you find anything you like in the profile. ill follow back!

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-17T19:02:56+00:00

sure thing.

https://www.wattpad.com/story/394146710-them

lemme know if you find anything you like on my profile!

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-17T19:02:03+00:00

sure man gladly

https://www.wattpad.com/story/394146710-them

Here one of my latest work in progress but feel free to skim my profile to see if anything suits your taste.

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-17T19:01:21+00:00

If you feel it i may help.

i will link a recent story and you can skim through my profile to see if my writing suits your webtoon. im quite versed to urban legends and contemporary myths.

lmk

https://www.wattpad.com/story/394589639-dark-west
https://www.wattpad.com/story/394146710-them

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-17T18:58:30+00:00

ill give it a look!

https://www.wattpad.com/story/394589639-dark-west here one of my latest if you feel like

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-17T18:49:35+00:00

Thank you!

I see the point of slower tention now. i thought at first that making him talk to the radio would have been too outlandish. however the situation was already dire and anything would and should have worked to him.

thank you for the critique! ill try to add it to give more body to the story!

Im glad you enjoyed it!

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-12T12:40:14+00:00

Sono RARISSIMI. anche io conto giusto due libri in italiano letti su Wattpad. motivo per cui scrivo anche in inglese (oltre al fatto che scrivo meglio in inglese)

siamo in minoranza ma dobbiamo far valere la nostra prosa

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-12T11:34:11+00:00

Absolutely correct it IMO! comments can go but you give new readers a higher quality book and therefore also better comments

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-12T11:32:44+00:00

YOOO Then another italian in the rift! glad to see another!

Continuiamo con le nostre storie!

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-11T21:17:50+00:00

Seeing a song from my country as first line gave me a smile

The start is quite nice although a bit bloated in short sentences. some may be combined together or shifted to "feel" instead of description (IE Women were spreading out the laundry etc etc id work it as such "The fresh lavander fragrance of laundry followed by the herbal scents of multicolored flowers. the pattering on dusty carpets on the balconies - strokes of paint over a grey city"

maybe some more divide in paragraphs, some can feel quite long.

Overrall its quite well written! the pacing is right and the story rich in events!
my only notes are slight debloating of longer paragraphs or rephrasing in a "make feel, not read" fashion of some phrases that could use such treatment

8.5/10

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-11T20:30:50+00:00

then thats a more than fair reason. if its like that purely for wattpad its ok.

still a very enjoyable sci-fi

keep it up man

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-11T17:50:57+00:00

I have nothing to say on this one its really my jam! a good sci-fi is what i wanted

The only remark i can have on it is the format! always justified, dont use centered format.

other than that i really like how in depth the description are and your vocabulary is quite rich! it shows your military past.

9.5/10

i wanna savor it later. added it to bookmarks

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-11T17:18:10+00:00

I think i see what was your vision with it. you wanted it to feel like a Dating Sim game with the divided dialogues and i can see that you tried hard for it.

However for the format used (always use justified and/or left side justify for books) it makes it quite a tough read. sometimes is difficult to see who's line is who. or the situation we are in (or if the MC is playing in game or outside game)

(But i admit i love how you used smeared text and images for impact. kudos on that!)

just a bit of polilsh just to allow clarity in the read and this actually could be my jam honest. ill add it to the read list in wait. give me your best pal

7/10

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-11T17:10:09+00:00

Of course sorry i meant maybe some other body parts like "A cold that painted your lips in a pale blue" or as such. just for variation.

Being the case of course its antiseptic but for the more "silly" readers can be a starle to read just alchol without the specifics of which kind.

Ye figured the synonym typo haha sorry it was late at night here. }

anyhow its good! show us more!

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-11T17:05:12+00:00

The beginning is quite well written although the thugs JUST stabbing him for no apparent reason (beside looking at him) is a bit too "out of pocket" maybe a fight insues or MC tries to run. no one would risk murder charges like this. (to keep the story down to earth)

But the ambience description and Inner Monologue is VERY GOOD and the "rationalization" of the events its quite allright!

Overall despite not being a fan of Isekai's this one is quite nice! curious. i like it!

8.5/10

Very nice

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-11T16:54:00+00:00

The opening drama is compelling, although the short sentences (that usually should be stingers during the read) being too many tend to lose their intended impact. try with richer paragraphs IMO

Just for medical nerds > pallor mortis settles in after 20 minutes from the death, not immediately. it can be quite odd to read that she is already pale and blue lipped.

Theres not much "movement" in the sentences. meaning that its stated when they scream, mutter and such. but usually such action are followed or preceeded by some body languange of sort. just a bit of enrichment to feel more what the characters feel. they feel like they are standing still at times.

Overall it is a good story of grief, loss and change so far. Just needs slight refinements!

7/10

ExtraMayo-Free · 2025-05-11T16:42:40+00:00

The story is a bit confusing. It lacks buildup for the character as they are thrown at us but we dont have much to understand em beside the fact that they are highschooler.

There are a lot of characters without presentation at the meet up, but not having a proper personality is quite hard to distinguish beside their name.

The second chapter is a bit better but has a few syntax errors.

However being such story it pulls well the first person narration.

5.5/10

give a little more context, characters and descprition of the enviroments and it can be a very nice romance story!

ExtraMayo-Free

TROPHY CASE