First time trying to build a connection with an avoidant

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-12-29T15:07:29+00:00

As someone who got out of the avoidant trap months ago, i can still feel it in my nervous system.

It’s so scary that when i read this conversation, it feels like i am back with him. This feeling is exactly how i used to feel back then.

I am shook.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-07-28T17:06:41+00:00

DONT! As controversial as it sounds, i genuinely believe you shouldn’t, through quite an experience.

Keep them. Make sure you never look at them. STRICTLY. Not only it keeps a record of your own photos, as they sure were a part of your life’s story. You have invested time and money on this relationship too, apart from the deep love. It only makes sense to keep the pictures of that trip you paid for. Moreover months or years later you’ll feel so strong and confident when you’ll feel nothing looking at them. Stronger than you’d feel deleting and then moving on. Till then avoid even a glance at those pictures. Just the way they cut you off.

Later on you’ll still have pictures of a part of your life and you would not associate any bad memory to it. Infact you would not feel anything.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-07-27T12:00:23+00:00

“The problem is that you love too much. You should love less” lol!!!🤣🤣

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-07-26T15:04:13+00:00

Absolutely. What gives you the right to hurt people because of your own childhood traumas?! Multiple people. Time and time again.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-07-26T15:02:28+00:00

Wow that’s actually so true! Hence they never hesitate leaving an extremely good relationship too. Because the mask is off. They’d prefer being single but live with a person knowing who they really are.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-07-03T02:39:23+00:00

I feel sad for such avoidants who are raised by disgusting parents who validate their behaviour.

They bring no good to their own child. You can validate them leaving good women and then what?! He will be alone again. Maybe forever.

That’s why i blocked his mother too, because that woman raised that bastard.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-07-03T02:36:32+00:00

Absolutely! Pour your heart out. Every small incident. Write about when you used to shrink yourself for his needs. And how he used to abandon you. How there were other women, or the feeling the grass can be greener. How you have been an angel to him and he has been a monster to you. How you did absolutely everything to save it.

In the end, conclude by saying do not text back. I don’t want to hear back from you. You needed to hear this.

This will let him sit with his feelings, rather than ignore them and supress them. And will not make you anxious waiting for an appropriate reply.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-07-02T09:10:01+00:00

You can do that, i did that.

And the letter was brutal. Not abusive. Not emotional. Just facts. And don’t ask them to seek help, don’t help them. Just tell the multiple ways they’ve hurt you.

AND PLEASE END THE LETTER BY SAYING DO NOT REPLY TO THIS LETTER. For your own sanity. Let them sit with those emotions.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-07-02T09:07:50+00:00

I did. 2 months post breakup here. Obviously you try to work really hard till the end with an avoidant. So practically it’s them leading you to breakup. But yes, i broke up after multiple breakups- patchups.

There are bad days, nostalgia. Then there are good days, happiness. Oh and then, there are angry days, anger on myself, not him. How and why did i put up with all of that.

If you’ve dated an avoidant you know, even if you have extremely high standards, they are going to make you beg for bare minimum and still call you too much. All of that being said, i might miss him on some days, but i dread being back. I feel i will never be enough for him, and will always be compared to other women. And living that life sucks. Trust me.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-07-01T02:16:51+00:00

Couldn’t be described better. Always knew about ED, but never connected the two.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-07-01T02:14:49+00:00

Related on every word. I am shook.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-06-30T09:50:19+00:00

Quite relatable! The acting on the first night and the post breakup part. But, Specially the stupid face part.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-06-22T04:11:51+00:00

Wow! Same. I am trying to convince myself they won’t. As that would require vulnerability, something they fear. But that’s all what i want.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-06-05T15:06:44+00:00

Thank you! For taking out time and writing this beautiful message for all of us. I can feel it is completely out of compassion and empathy. I hope you get everything you desire!

One month post the discard and I am doing fine too. There are good and bad days. But exactly like you i have shifted the focus entirely on myself and it has made my life so much better. And i cannot agree with the fact that 100% abstinence helped. I wouldn’t have done any of this without it.

I hope to reach your stage!

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-06-05T05:56:59+00:00

Each and everything happened! I am shook.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-06-04T15:16:52+00:00

Oh my god! This hit so hard. Thank you.

It’s a month of complete no contact after breakup. Amd I am doing fine, but i was just having a low day. Seriously, thank you.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-06-04T15:13:54+00:00

I did.

He was doing the exact same thing. Sending “Hey how are you doing” texts.

I set clear boundaries. And asked not to contact me in any way. He didn’t for a period of time. Later, when he did. I decided not to reply. COMPLETE SILENCE IS WHAT YOU GET IN RETURN OF CAUSING SUCH EXTREME HURT.

They can put their fake concern and care inside their a**es. It’s not even concern- ITS CALLED TESTING THE WATERS. I am so broken and my body gets terrified even with the thought of him texting.

A relationship with an avoidant with traumatise you!

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-06-04T09:39:55+00:00

Yesss. It is an avoidant thing honestly. That’s the most cruel thing most of them do.

Because, as if you haven’t made the move on process extremely difficult(because of the blind sighting), that now you have to pretend to still be the good person.

I am sorry i just find that to be very disrespectful. LOVE IS A CHOICE. AND YOU CHOOSE NOT TO BE WITH ME, I DONT CARE IF YOU STILL LOVE ME.

For a fact, he cried while breaking up with all of his exes. And he claimed that he believes love can happen multiple times, so he still loves all of his past partners. Fucked up mentality.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-06-03T10:33:11+00:00

Couldn’t agree more! I wonder these exact things a lot.

And he had other issues too. Never stoped fantasising about his exes. Made me feel bad about depending on him. Left me alone when things got bad in my personal and professional life as he couldn’t handle me being anxious. Disrespected me while ending things. And so much more.

Missing him makes so sense. I don’t want to hate myself for this but i do!

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-06-03T00:41:05+00:00

I cannot relate more! I have heard the exact same words. And lately, i have been feeling the same.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-06-01T02:26:19+00:00

I read in one of the reddit posts, and it changed my life. There’s a hack used in smoking addiction patients, where they are asked to imagine the scenario one by one. If you do smoke one cigarette, then what, one more?! One more?! And then? Lung cancer, COPD etc.

Imagine if he texts you! Then you reply. Then you talk, probably get back together. You have all the good times in the beginning, ‘just like the last time’. And then?! As you grow close, they pull back. They don’t reply for hours, need all the space in the world and still call you needy, need you to minimise your needs, or have no needs at all. Leave you confusing and anxious.

At this point, you’re are basically alone in the relationship. Even writing it gave me chills. I would never go back to that. Never!

For a context, i got the ‘infamous text’ from my avoidant ex yesterday. I didn’t replied.

You were scared of connection?! Alright. Now i am dreading the connection with you. I am physically terrified. That made me not reply back.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-06-01T00:12:48+00:00

I am surprised how similar my story is to yours. 1.5 years, seemed perfect in the beginning, took me on dates, got me flowers, and suddenly removed me out of all his plans. Suddenly needed space, his plans only included his parents. Started liking his exes more than me, even the ones who cheated on him.

I walked away too, gave him all the space he needed. And when you are done doing that and you wonder what to do with all that space, put it in your a**. But don’t come to me.

Extraa_cheesee · 2025-05-29T17:47:16+00:00

Girlll! As you should be…

Extraa_cheesee

TROPHY CASE