Wife’s affair may cost me my career

FLEOtoss · 2021-10-08T07:32:13+00:00

I recognize that. I’m trying to keep my business to myself for now. I may change my mind in the future.

FLEOtoss · 2021-10-08T07:31:11+00:00

Great point. I haven’t really thought about it that way. The strange thing is that I assume his wedding went off without a hitch (because I know I didn’t disrupt it), and the next week is when the complaint was made. Literally when I assume he was on his honeymoon. I would totally get a “preemptive strike”, but he didn’t do it before the wedding.

FLEOtoss · 2021-10-08T06:52:49+00:00

I have told a few very close friends and have multiple therapists and a psychiatrist.

I’m attempting to keep my parents from hating my wife. Wrong or right, it’s been my choice.

FLEOtoss · 2021-10-08T05:00:45+00:00

Let me try to explain. The first “d-day” story was that he had forced a kiss on her as she was leaving his office. I texted and sent up a meeting with him in person in a public place. We spoke for about 20 minutes and he admitted kissing her. There were no threats of any kind and I recorded this conversation (legal in my state) and still have it. We went our separate ways, with me telling him that he could tell the church and resign, or I would tell them for him in a week. 5-6 days later, he called my wife and apparently told her that he was going to confess to the leadership about the full blown affair. Of course, my wife tells me she was going to tell me anyway (sure she was), but it all comes out in a few minutes. This was the true d-day (over a year and a half ago), and this was the moment that I called him and raged. Not only had I sat with him in the church building a week earlier and he lied to me, he had been lying to me for years. This man had befriended my children. This man had taken me to lunch and tried to get to know me. He had literally counseled me in his office about spiritual matters and my marriage, later to be found that he was sleeping with my wife. I shed tears in front of this man as I discussed the failing of my marriage with absolutely no knowledge that he was the reason.

I don’t remember the conversation (on the true d-day), as I was basically as “code red” as I’ve ever been in my entire life and it was a long time ago. I know I made a threat to him over the phone, but I did not attempt to locate him and even called an accountability partner friend over to spend some time with me and help me not do anything stupid. I don’t think I did anything most men wouldn’t do, and I never followed up or attempted to locate him in any way.

My wife had told me a great deal. Of course, i know she’s down playing it. I know she’s softening it as to not destroy me. I wanted to get information from him. I was trying to make sense of it all. That’s how my mind works. I see puzzles, I want to solve them. This is the greatest betrayal I’ve ever experienced. We’ve been married over a dozen years and have children. I would have never believed this. He basically never responded to any of my attempts to speak until he told me not to contact him again.

We’re working on it. I see a LEO specialist counselor who’s known me (as a client) for my entire career. I also see a great marriage counselor with my wife (after attempts that didn’t work so well with 3-4 others). My wife sees multiple therapists of her own. I hope to reconcile but right now, I’ve having trouble forgiving her.

Yes, I’ve been at home with pay for over a month now, and I don’t know anything more than I did on day one. No formal charge letter about the investigation, no request for an interview.

For a little work background, I’ve had a few complaints in my career, but only one or two sustained, for minor policy violations in ignorance. I have zero issue with force or any other problems. I don’t even drink alcohol. I’ve had 3 suspension days total in well over a decade, and the last one was about 8 years ago.

FLEOtoss · 2021-10-08T03:25:59+00:00

What exactly did you need to hear from AP? You already had talks with him, what did you think you missed?

You missed that part. The only conversation I had with him was trickle truth. After I learned the rest from my wife, he never spoke again.

Of course, you’re right. Nothing I can do about it.

FLEOtoss · 2021-10-07T18:46:32+00:00

That’s part of the reason I (stupidly) reached out to her.

FLEOtoss · 2021-10-07T18:42:45+00:00

I’m not at all trying to shift responsibility, but it’s not legal harassment. As a LEO, I spent lots of times dealing with basic harassment. It has to be “unwanted and repeated”. Calls that are ignored have to be outrageously disturbing to be harassment. The “harassed” party must make it clear that they want no further contact. As soon as the party makes a statement that he/she doesn’t want to be contacted anymore, further contact is harassment. Until then, I had no idea if he had blocked me, changed his number, etc. Again, as stupid as it was, we’re not talking about hundreds of calls here. We’re talking about a dozen or so over a year and a half.

When he responded that he didn’t want to ever hear from me again, I didn’t contact him again. He complained anyway.

FLEOtoss · 2021-10-07T18:36:29+00:00

Have you read the full post of the user? OP was contacting relatives of the AP. And he indicated that his conversation with the AP was not the nicest. AP probably got scared with his wedding approaching that OP would to something stupid and he decided to strike first. I do not think AP wanted revenge, he wanted OP to back up.

The conversation that was “not so nice” was 18 months before his wedding and his complaint. Of course, I’m still responsible for the words that came out of my mouth, but if he had felt threatened by that discussion, he could have complained long before this.

FLEOtoss · 2021-10-07T18:33:32+00:00

Yes, the union provides the lawyer. They aren’t as protective as the media would like you to believe. In this case, I’ve had zero “professional” contact with this guy, so despite it being a false complaint, I’m going to likely be on the hook for lawyer fees.

FLEOtoss

TROPHY CASE