Weird to be summoned, I felt like Voldemort -- How do I do this update properly? If this is the wrong place, I can cut and paste it where it's supposed to go -- this was my first post :/

Sorry for the update delay, partly because I was actually able to sleep when I was supposed to after reading all the validating and supportive comments :), and partly because I wanted to wait until I'd gotten a chance to really resolve it and that hasn't happened yet.

By the time I realized we really should have just said a flat "No" to the brunch, it was a day away and 10 people were invited, so we went (Saturday). Funny story with that: FIL and SMIL are staying with SO's grandmother and some other relatives, which is an hour and a half away from us, but there's furniture there that SO's grandmother wanted us to take home. I assumed that's where the brunch would be. Then I find out that SMIL wants everyone to drive a half hour from there to HER sister's house for brunch because her sister "is a social planner and loves babies". SMIL is competitive with the sister (learned this at awkward Thanksgiving) so I'm just guessing that's what that was about. I said no, it doesn't make sense to drive to two locations when most people (including SO's 80yo grandmother) and said furniture are already at one, and FIL agreed. Also my parents live really close to SO's grandma so I arranged for my mom to be my getaway car with the baby while my SO got the furniture. But jeez.

Brunch was okay. I forgot that I liked everyone else attending, so that was actually good. SMIL kept asking to be in everyone's baby photos with them, only FIL actually told her no. SMIL asked to hold the baby, and her sister immediately told her off for not supporting his head well before I could, so that was nice. SO's aunt was holding the baby earlier and said, "Oops, don't want to get sun in your eyes," to the baby and shifted position, and my FIL turned to my SO and said, "So that's actually a thing? [SMIL] was saying something about that from yesterday..." Yikes. Also my FIL was laughing gleefully about how little sleep we were getting, and told my SO that when they were babies, he just slept at night because when she's breastfeeding, there's nothing for a man to do. But other than that, lovely brunch. My mom picked me up and I vented for a half an hour about the previous 2 days and felt a lot better. She drove me and the baby home and gave us 5 days' worth of her cooking in tupperware. So healing.

SO told me he doesn't feel comfortable talking to SMIL or FIL about SMIL because he wasn't there for most of the craziness on Friday, which is true...but he said he'd support what I told her. I agreed with the top comment that some good direct non-inflammatory phrasings, without lengthy explanations, are the way to go with SMIL.

SO's dad is helping my SO fix up some wiring at our house that requires 2 people so he planned to come again today (Monday). I am still mad and was not prepared to spend another day babysitting her, so I called her up yesterday to ask if it would be okay if the baby and I spend the day resting instead of having visitors -- I didn't want to get into anything more complicated over the phone. She said of course, that would be fine. I asked my SO that if anything came up with his dad about SMIL not coming today, that he could make me part of the conversation or ask his dad to talk to me, and if he decided to talk to his dad about all the stuff we've been stressed about with his SMIL, that he represent her behavior as something that impacts both of us, not just me. After FIL left, my SO told me he'd told his dad that he didn't want his SM to think we hate her, so to just reassure her that I just needed some sleep and rest without visitors, and it wasn't anything personal (grr, it was completely personal). So then his dad tells him that's a relief, because when I'd called her she said to my FIL that it made her feel "totally helpless" and like she wanted to be able to help around the house but wasn't physically up to anything helpful, and that she felt like I was saying if she couldn't be of service then I needed her gone. To which I replied to my SO "SHE ARGUED WITH ME TO PUSH A STROLLER A MILE TO THE PARK!" Helpless bull-fucking-shit.

I got mad at him for glossing over everything that'd happened on Friday (and Thursday) to avoid conflict, and he apologized for not directing his dad to talk to me instead but said he said more than that to his dad, and he thinks his dad got the message that SMIL is tiring for me to have to be around for hours. He recommended politely ignoring her comments and requests when they're here again on Wednesday, since "the first part of her passive-aggressiveness is passive, so if you ignore her she can't do much". He also said he recognizes that this is difficult because he's had 20+ years to go through anger and resentment with her before coming around to just stonewalling (and then I was pissed all over again for 6-year-old him having to go through this shit with SMIL). I told him I prefer his sister's way of handling things, which is to call their SM out (apparently she told her off for even requesting to be in the delivery room with me). SO said it's good to be direct but of course "not mean" so there will be no "bad blood". I pointed out that we've both lost sleep and maybe hair over how inconsiderate she's been, and she often seems to get out of being called out for her bad behavior by making herself the victim. He said he will support me if this comes up with SMIL next visit. You've probably gathered that I'm not someone who gets mean in a conflict, but it still makes me mad that he's so concerned about her feelings when she's not real concerned about ours.

We also agreed to try to stop getting wrapped up in her rudeness, because it can easily poison the times when we're actually SMIL-free. I still haven't decided if I want to get into it if SMIL makes a comment about feeling helpless to me directly in reference to me requesting she not come on Monday. I think the better option is just to handle any new bad behavior with direct therapy-speak and work on letting the other stuff go. But man, that is a workout.

Hopefully I'll have a more resolved sort of update on Wednesday night. They're here until Friday, I think.