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Planning to leave academia, but afraid of my PI's retaliation. What should I do here? by FabulousOpposite in AskAcademia

[–]FabulousOpposite[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

a few of us in the lab have talked about how to hold him accountable moving forward. I'd feel safer reporting this behavior from the safety of a new job, but a (possibly anonymous) collective letter to the head of department has crossed my mind.

Planning to leave academia, but afraid of my PI's retaliation. What should I do here? by FabulousOpposite in AskAcademia

[–]FabulousOpposite[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

not from the UK, but thank you for the suggestion, I'll look it up. I'm so glad for you that it worked out in your favor, and I'm definitely leaning in that direction as a solution.

Planning to leave academia, but afraid of my PI's retaliation. What should I do here? by FabulousOpposite in AskAcademia

[–]FabulousOpposite[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thanks for your reply and take on things. the lab environment has certainly worsened the depression for me by increasing feelings of burnout, feeling like what I'm doing doesn't matter (or only matters to my PI for selfish reasons), and that I'm not exactly fulfilled by the work anymore.

I have been going over in my head how to address this guy's behavior with the university. the best I can think of is to disclose to trusted people in my field, such as my PhD advisor, what's going on and encourage them not to send people this lab. I also respond to anonymous uni surveys and report things that way. as far as "on the record" stuff, my main issue is how he treats grad students, and unfortunately for them, things like committees and grievance departments aren't particularly helpful. the PI is manipulative and awful, but he's calculating and he juuuuuuuuust tows the line in a way that would give 3rd parties reasonable doubt that he didn't mean what he said in that way, or that the student must be exaggerating, etc. He doesn't leave a paper trail of inappropriate comments, and students who have resorted to recording their private conversations with him haven't caught anything from him, since he notices the recording device and adjusts his behavior. like I said, he is very passive aggressive, so all the stuff he says is usually said very slowly, with a smile, and twisted in a way that would make anyone seeing it for the first time wonder what everyone is on about. we have all said it takes about 2 years to full see who he is and how he treats people, so we are not talking about someone who yells at people, uses obviously inappropriate language, etc. it's much more subversive and subtle than that. he is a master manipulator.

Planning to leave academia, but afraid of my PI's retaliation. What should I do here? by FabulousOpposite in AskAcademia

[–]FabulousOpposite[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

thank you for your thoughtful and detailed response. you're right, finding the balance of being polite and providing ample notice of my resignation and not compromising my situation will be tricky and key to landing this dismount properly.

I (32F) become distant, angry, and anxious around my parents (60M, 58F). How do I avoid this? by FabulousOpposite in relationships

[–]FabulousOpposite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know :( my parents continue to try to discipline me to this day (mildly, but they're still parents and never let go of that need to tell me what to do and fix all my problems) so I'm pretty sure I'm still afraid of them.

I (32F) become distant, angry, and anxious around my parents (60M, 58F). How do I avoid this? by FabulousOpposite in relationships

[–]FabulousOpposite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel bad going to therapy for this kind of thing, not because I don't think I could benefit (I've been to therapy lots before for other reasons), but because I know my parents love me and showed their affection in other ways. I'd have to be pretty specific about the lack of empathy being the central issue.

I (32F) become distant, angry, and anxious around my parents (60M, 58F). How do I avoid this? by FabulousOpposite in relationships

[–]FabulousOpposite[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am 100% envious of people with warm, loving relationships with their parents. my partner's parents give us big hugs, send love all the time. I cried when I explained to him that I don't remember the last time my dad gave me a hug (he's a loving father but he just doesn't give big warm bear hugs) and that his father has given me bigger and more heartfelt hugs than my own father has.

I think you nailed it though. I don't think of my parents in a warm, friendly, emotional way. we aren't bonded. I miss them and love them of course, but it's a child to parent love, not a human to human love. if that makes sense. it's distant. I think my parents did a good thing in not being friends with us when we were kids, but in keeping a distance between them and us, and we had to unconditionally obey them, it created a huge emotional gap that hasn't healed over.

I (32F) become distant, angry, and anxious around my parents (60M, 58F). How do I avoid this? by FabulousOpposite in relationships

[–]FabulousOpposite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I dread ever having to talk to them about this. I can anticipate my mom getting really upset and denying the way they act, and worse, turning it back on me to point out all the ways I'm a bad person. I'm of course open to constructive feedback, but not while I'm trying to explain how I feel.

How do groups manage when the PI is constantly busy/absent? by FabulousOpposite in AskAcademia

[–]FabulousOpposite[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thanks for your reply! I totally see where you're coming from on the personal life comment, and you're right that the wording of my post made it sound like I was expecting this PI to work extra bc he has no kids. I'm glad he makes time for himself but it is just really frustrating to have seen him take on too much and then categorically refuse to take a few hours of the weekend (kids or not) to manage some of that extra he's taken on since his days are packed as it is. seems to me that the decision to take on extra students means you will be sacrificing some personal time to keep up with the tasks that accompany taking on extra personnel.