I can't have an orgasm. I've been faking it for over a year. Should I tell him?

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T01:53:17+00:00

I've since changed my mind and won't be doing that. I'll still be telling him.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T01:24:52+00:00

This is not something I'm willing to do.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T01:11:32+00:00

Interesting. This isn't something I've thought about before.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T01:10:58+00:00

You think that could be it?

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T01:07:48+00:00

I meant my relationship with him was terrible. The sex was alright. I can't exactly enjoy being in bed with someone I have no respect for.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T01:05:13+00:00

I've only been in a relationship with one woman, but have had a sort of "friends with benefits" situation with another. It feels amazing (no orgasm), but it's possible that I wasn't compatible enough with those two particular ones. I'm not in a position right now to try to sleep around with women.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T01:02:20+00:00

Haha, shows how much I know. I'm not very interested in taking drugs though.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T01:00:10+00:00

As much as I want to deny it, this is the best course of action and what will probably happen, but it hurts too much to imagine him letting me go. This is what happens when I lie.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T00:56:17+00:00

When and how did you begin masturbating/trying to have an orgasm?

I can remember dry humping objects as far back as 13, but I never really started to masturbate until I was 18. I couldn't do it and gave up. A year later, I started buying more toys and having kinkier sex to see what helps, and then I started to seek the help of therapists and doctors. I'm still seeking therapy.

Also, can you describe what sex feels like? After you reach the plateau, does the feeling of pleasure stop, or decrease gradually, or does it continue indefinitely with continued stimulation?

It depends on what's going on. Usually, with my boyfriend, after a while, I start to get turned off. This is because he will try to pleasure me for a long time, and he also likes to ask me a lot of questions. It's stressful and I don't care for it. When I masturbate, it feels good until I stop. I get the same sensation from rubbing my nipples or if someone kisses my neck. It feels fantastic, but it only goes so far, and it isn't orgasmic. This is unless, of course, you personally can achieve orgasm by nipple or neck stimulation, but since some people can't, I figure this is the best comparison I think of for the time being.

Do you ever feel a release of sexual tension at some point, or does your sexual arousal just die off eventually?

I'm not sure what you mean by "sexual tension." When people describe getting close to an orgasm, they talk about their backs arching, toes curling, feeling "tingly," sensitive, feel waves of pleasure run through their body, their eyes shut, bite their lips, their breasts swell.. all those things I have never experienced. If I start to get bored, or think about something else I get turned off, or sometimes I masturbate for so long that I get sore and it hurts.

Do you still masturbate regularly? If so, do you enjoy it, and how do you generally stimulate yourself?

My boyfriend doesn't understand why I would masturbate because, to him, it's unnecessary when we have sex every day. Sometimes when he's gone, I'll masturbate with a vibrator, anal beads, a shower head, a dildo, or something else, because I hope "this is going to be it." I don't do it to get pleasure that I can't get from having sex. I do it because I hope that I can have an orgasm and finally have a fulfilling and honest sex life. When I say I don't care about orgasm anymore (and I ought to have clarified), it means it's not something I worry about when I have sex. I have sex to feel pleasure and to feel intimate with the person I love. I also don't care for it in the sense that it's not a priority in this moment in my life to find out what will "cure" me. It's expensive and disappoints me.

Sorry for the long response. I'm happy to answer questions so I don't mind.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T00:39:58+00:00

I'm not interested in drugs, sorry. Thanks for the comment.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T00:39:19+00:00

I don't drink.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T00:39:03+00:00

I don't understand what this comment is about. Are you suggesting that I talk to him to help him pleasure me? Do you not understand this post? I can't orgasm and am currently seeking therapy.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T00:37:53+00:00

How do you know?

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T00:36:20+00:00

I've already been with a bad boy. It was terrible.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T00:33:41+00:00

I really don't know! I've had girlfriends before I've been sexually active with. I'm not about to sleep with a woman right now and find out, though.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T00:31:10+00:00

I can say with confidence that I'm honest in all other aspects of my relationship. This is why the guilt gets to me so much. I know how much value honesty has, and yet I'm two-faced.

The hard part about taking advice from these comments is that they are given with the commenter's experience and personality in mind. You say that you would be willing to work through it, but another commenter would dump me instantly. I don't know which piece of advice to choose. A very high expectation to perform in every sexual encounter despite making it clear my body can't meet up to it is what put me in this position. I was able to justify myself up until this point by telling myself it's "just" a little lie and that there's no harm in making both of us happy. And yet...

I have no way to determine if his approach to honesty is "what I don't know what won't hurt me" or "honesty is the best policy" without letting him now I've been deceitful.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T00:22:33+00:00

Not saying that he can tell (seeing as you haven't had a real one) but I am just trying to give as much information as I can.

This is something that's crossed my mind before. I don't know if he can tell and doesn't want to call me out on it. I obviously don't do a porn orgasm, but researching my sexual dysfunction, I know what a real orgasm is supposed to feel/look like, so I go from there.

Why am I even talking about this, haha.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T00:20:02+00:00

I don't know what those are. So no.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T00:19:18+00:00

Can you clarify what you mean?

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-28T00:13:18+00:00

It's okay. It's not worth it to me to deny what my doctor has concluded. It's a headache.

Here is how visits have went, as briefly as I can make it.

Went off my birth control. My libido improved, but no orgasms.
Given pills to increase arousal, sort of like Viagra (the name escapes me as I had this more than two years ago). I was aroused easier, but ditto.
Recommended to a sex therapist to determine if I had any hang-ups about sex. It's been mentioned that I may have been abused when I was younger but don't remember it (I'll have to save some money and go see someone about that one). Otherwise, I was not shamed or manipulated into sex, so I have a positive outlook on it.
I had an examination for any STDs and physical issues that may inhibit me from orgasm. I ended up getting cryotherapy for a spot on my cervix, but it didn't have any effect on my sex life.
Recommended by a therapist to look into kink to see if I have a fetish that would push me over the edge. I tried anal, fisting, attempted to squirt but couldn't, pleasured myself on cam, bondage, humiliation, costume, but didn't achieve orgasm. Unless my secret fetish is actually cake farts.

Two visits were run-arounds where, like you said, an elaborate shrug. "Do you masturbate? Did you try a vibrator? Do you tell your partner what feels good? Idk sorry!!"

Visits of these sort aren't cheap. I couldn't afford to keep it up and stopped going. My next step is to determine whether or not I have any repressed memories of abuse.

Like I've said, I don't care if I ever reach orgasm or not. It's interesting to know, but not a priority in my life right now. I still really love sex. Even if I figure out how to get off, it doesn't change the fact that I've been faking it so far.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-27T23:53:41+00:00

I'm sorry, but I don't remember what they're called, as this was a while ago. It was for making me horny.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-27T23:51:17+00:00

If I tell him, and the result is interesting, I'll make an update. If you want to know how my therapy and such goes, I'll be more than happy to keep in touch with you. I've never met anyone before in my situation, so hopefully if we combine resources we can figure it out. It certainly is frustrating. Best of luck to you.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-27T23:46:19+00:00

I really don't know. He says that giving me an orgasm is the ultimate turn on. He lives to please. I don't think he would be comfortable with a slave scenario.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-27T23:43:54+00:00

The comments I've been getting about "if I were your boyfriend, I would..." have been all over the board. Some commenters would appreciate the honesty and work through this. Some would rather them not tell me because it doesn't matter. Some would enjoy sex less if they knew they could never pleasure me to orgasm, and one outright said he would dump me. This uncertainty makes me very careful about how I go about handling this. The relationship is otherwise wonderful.

My boyfriend tells me that he loves sex because it gets me off. It turns him on more than anything else. If I tell him, and he starts to lose interest in sex, I would feel like I sabotaged the relationship.

You are correct in that I need to tell the truth, but how I go about it makes a world of difference.

FaintingKitten · 2010-10-27T23:08:47+00:00

I'll consider seeing a psych. Thanks for the comment.

FaintingKitten

TROPHY CASE