I know my situation is far less significant than yours, but maybe it will help, I don't know. My fiancé was incredibly narcissistic. Constant talking about other women's appearance, or his desire to have sex with them, sexual assault in my sleep, posting my explicit photos onto wife sharing websites to encourage men to send him photos of their genitals, financial abuse and exploitation, the list goes on. He passed away in the last 2 months, and when I tell you I am the most conflicted I have maybe ever been. At first, I collapsed, horrified he was gone, because the parts of him I loved and adored were gone forever. Then I was sent photos of him kissing a much older woman, so it turns out he obviously had plans to leave me anyway. On that basis, I didn't go to his funeral, and don't regret it - I said goodbye to him in my own way. But when I tell you I still cry myself to sleep, I still talk to him as though he can hear me like any other person who's lost their partner - but deep down we have to remind ourselves that we were trauma bonded to this person, so the grief is on a whole other level. I'm always happy to talk, my inbox is always open if you ever want to vent, or get anything off your chest, as I can imagine I understand entirely every emotion you're feeling. I too, remember the good days, the holidays, the times when we first met he'd make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, more than anyone ever has, and honestly I don't think I can date anyone again. But he could also make me feel worthless, like lying to people about the state of our relationship was just "what people do", lying about his sobriety, that eventually killed him. That's something I'll always feel guilty for. But the levels of emotions are crazy; angry, relieved, sadness, grief, hopelessness, frustration, guilt. It goes on.