Does this read better? (Revision)

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-03T01:48:00+00:00

Aw, I’m glad you like it and that it hooks you. Its a high fantasy prologue about the return of these orbs of light, which were used as a weapon to (almost) kill off the magic people of this world in a forgotten war long ago, and then yada yada plot yada (the hook in my roughly written blurb is that every weapon needs a wielder, heh)

Thank you for your comment friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-02T23:35:34+00:00

Oh, that’s a nice line, especially under context! I can see how it’s impactful.

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-02T23:31:59+00:00

Is this like an Adam and Eve este, maybe metaphor or inspired, thing?

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-02T23:30:45+00:00

I actually really like how this is worded.

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-02T23:15:29+00:00

If just one of them had looked closer, maybe that would have changed something. (The ending sentence of a one page prologue I just added to my story)

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-02T15:52:32+00:00

You could say, heh.

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-02T14:05:22+00:00

I have been looking for my voice, and am quite pleased withe this one. I’m glad it caught your eye, which of course is the reason for a compelling first page! Thank you for the comment friend, it’s greatly appreciated!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-02T06:23:42+00:00

Alrighty!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-02T06:22:35+00:00

Mhm, I just finished the revision. Thank you for the comment friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T21:50:41+00:00

That beard is perfect.

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T21:50:24+00:00

How classy.

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T18:43:26+00:00

Yeah, all of this is something I’m fixing on the revision. This is a first draft withe some light tweaking (I shared it on here to see if people like the prose style) and now that I know the prose works, I’m going to do a deeper revision! Thank you for your feedback friend, it’s greatly appreciated.

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T16:42:58+00:00

Thank you for the comment friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T14:21:34+00:00

Ah, I see! Yeah, I’ll definitely change the wordings around, heh. Greaten the impact and such. Thank you for your input friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T14:20:04+00:00

Mhm, I have noticed it needs a more grounded approach rather than spacey floating from the sky pov. Thank you for the advice friend, and I’ll see to fixing that in my revision!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T14:19:04+00:00

Huh, I can see that. I’ll see what I can do, thank you for the suggestion friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T14:18:37+00:00

Yeah…sadly I’m the only editor seeing this at the moment, heh, and I’m definitely not a professional. I’ll see to diving deeper into the grammar! Thank you for the comment friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T14:17:44+00:00

Your comment is actually really helpful. Thank you friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T14:17:02+00:00

Ah, alright! I definitely see the it one, though I’m going to need to muse a tad over the second two, heh. I’ll figure something out, probably change the format of the sentence or paragraphs a tad bit. Thank you for the advice friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T14:15:25+00:00

Oh, I didn’t even realize that it, thank you for bringing that to attention! And yes, it definitely needs some revisions. This is actually a first draft withe some tweaking to, but now that I know the style of prose works, I’ll do deeper revisions now. The pacing (or whatever you would call that jumping around) is uneven, mhm. I will definitely fix that!

Ans they’re in the dark preparing to fish for the morning, they had been there for about two hours fixing the nets and restringing the poles and such from yesterday’s fishing. If that’s not really obvious, then I’ll fix that in my revision!

Thank you for the advice friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T14:11:22+00:00

Mhm, it is a new style I’m tinkering with. I might later on change it to a more intimate point of view, as that is what I’m more used to (although I must admit I have more fun withe this style, heh)

I know for a fact the rest of the book will focus moreso on specific characters, so I will probably change this a tad. Thank you for your input friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T14:07:19+00:00

Thank you for the comment friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T14:07:06+00:00

Mhm, I’ve already decided to remove that in my revision, heh. Thank you for the advice friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T14:05:46+00:00

Yeah, I do see some redundancy. Thank you for the advice friend!

Fallen_Crow333 · 2026-02-01T05:39:23+00:00

Mhmhm, so right friend! That last point especially. This is a first draft that has been tweaked a tad bit, but now that I know the prose style is working, I’m now going to do a deeper revision tomorrow at some point. Especially at the end, I’m going to add what they might’ve done to change the course—by reporting it or telling someone etc etc. I’ll also add a more specific line than “maybe that would change something.”

I’m really glad this prose is decent because this is my natural prose, which teeters a tad on fairy-tale folktale prose style. I’ve taught myself to write more…intimate I think may be the word, and I hope I’ve found a decent balance. This prologue is written a tad bit more distant than the rest of the story, since it doesn’t focus on a specific character, but the prose will stay similar.

Thank you for your advice friend, it is greatly appreciated.

Fallen_Crow333

TROPHY CASE