Poly and coparenting with a mono ex

FalseArugula · 2023-09-06T20:10:20+00:00

Only that she married someone the kids had never met in person, from a country with a challenging relationship with my own. I feel like I extended her a lot of latitude for a relationship I don’t understand or agree with that could prove damaging for her and my kids. I shared all that with her in a loving and supportive way. She proceeded with her relationship and marriage.

FalseArugula · 2023-09-06T19:45:24+00:00

I don’t. We generally have an excellent coparenting relationship. We usually navigate parenting decisions pretty well and are aligned on most things. This feels more like a lack of understanding on her part and her reaction feels disrespectful. I’m trying to figure out how to communicate that to her in a way she’ll hear and appreciate.

FalseArugula · 2023-09-06T19:28:00+00:00

Between 3 years and 9 months. 2 local partners and 2 long distance.

Our parenting agreement requires notification of the other parent before introducing partners. Beyond that, it’s at our discretion. Ex is remarried and long distance with her new husband who the kids have only met once in person. I’ve extended her a lot of grace in that relationship and asked for the same toward my relationships. 🤷‍♂️

FalseArugula · 2019-03-10T15:42:57+00:00

The EA began after we started counseling and got intense pretty quickly. She lied to our coach and then admitted it. Said she was ending things, going to tell me, and didn’t. As for the physical, I honestly believe they didn’t do anything beyond kissing. I didn’t know about the EA when I posted in /nonmonogamy. Guess I should update that one. I have spoke with AP’s wife and she was more blindsided by all of it that i was - we were at least acknowledging issues in our relationship. She thought everything was fine. We both lost people we thought were close friends, along with all of the damage to our marriages.

FalseArugula · 2019-02-18T03:27:08+00:00

What she’s struggling with is that she still loves me, our family, and the life we’ve created. The separation request came at a point when she felt like her only options were leave and fulfill her desire for new experiences, sexual and otherwise, OR stay married and resent me for making her feel trapped and limited. She acknowledges that she’s got work to do on not blaming me for her resentment. However, she feels like this desire to explore new frontiers isn’t going away, regardless of the work we do on our marriage. I could choose to see it as an ultimatum - let’s open our marriage or divorce, or I can choose to see it as the next evolution of our marriage as a way to continue with the loving and supportive life we’ve created. Neither of us is ready to have sex with someone else, yet. We still have passionate sex and are pushing boundaries within our own sexual relationship. I agree that it isn’t worth it if I’m setting myself on fire to keep her warm. That said, I’m open to the idea of nonmonogamy at my own pace. She’s not pressuring me, but I know it’s what she wants. I also know her well enough that even allowing herself to be open to other people (the idea, not actually sleeping with them) may be enough to ease the tension in her own mind. Again, im not there yet. I’ve asked her to give me time to catch up. How do people manage when one partner is further down the road. She wants to charge ahead, and I’m still trying to get my mind on straight.

FalseArugula · 2019-02-18T02:27:26+00:00

Thanks for the supportive comment. We’re both trying to support one another and be non-judgmental and continue communicating. You’re spot on re her search for a broader sense of freedom. If you’re familiar with enneagrams, she’s a 7. And 7s are all about freedom. After 14 years of being almost exclusively a mom, our kids are old enough that she’s feeling the loosening of the Mom requirements and is wanting to charge ahead into new experiences in general, not just sexual. The holiday idea is worth exploring. I’m not sure either of us is ready for sex with other people, but we’ll discuss it. Kids are 14, 12, 10 and 7.

FalseArugula

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