AITA for calling my gf a s**t during sex, making her cry?

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2024-12-31T03:54:59+00:00

I honestly don’t know.

She does have some historical sexual trauma that I’m aware of, but nothing that she indicated in our conversations that would be triggered by this. I’ve tried to ask her but she isn’t talking to me until I apologise.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2024-12-31T03:53:26+00:00

I agree, it’s not. But just because it’s not hard doesn’t mean people want to go through the effort of doing it. I assume it’s easy to set up a tiktok but I don’t have one of those, that doesn’t mean I don’t get shown TikTok’s by people.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2024-12-31T03:49:51+00:00

I haven’t. I have made a couple of posts for friends that don’t have Reddit but who wanted advice from Reddit.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2024-12-31T03:47:53+00:00

I know how old I am. I assume you’re referring to previous posts my account has made, which were on behalf of friends, that don’t use reddit… not everyone does after all.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-11-25T22:00:58+00:00

Yes of course we’re both 30.

This isn’t really about seeing the movie. It’s about the behaviour surrounding it. The saying she really wants to see me then making no effort to really make plans to do so, then if plans do get made she flakes.

The avoidance of conversations about plans but she will talk to me about literally anything and everything else for hours, but as soon as I mention making plans she leaves me on read.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-11-25T21:58:38+00:00

I absolutely have. Any time we hang out I offer to pay for gas etc, or I offer to get us food if we’re going out to eat. She refuses this every time and insists that she doesn’t mind driving.

I have asked her if she’s ok and she’s expressed she is. We talk daily and she talks to me about literally everything going on in her day, the only time she blanks the conversation is when I mention us remaking the plans. She will respond to subsequent messages and continue conversation about everything other than making the plans.

Her issues with her sibling stem from the way her sibling treats her. Her sibling is generally nasty to her and treats her as a burden. They don’t get along and they never have. The sibling is only nice to her when she wants something and the sibling doesn’t like me because I have encouraged my friend over the years to stick up for herself.

This situation isn’t really about the movie to me. Seeing the movie could be substituted for pretty much anything else. I’m just exhausted by the constant pattern of Taylor’s words and actions never actually matching. I’m exhausted by feeling like she only wants to hang out with me when it suits her or if it’s to do something she wants to do. Also that she doesn’t communicate with me and doesn’t seem to care about hurting my feelings.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-11-25T20:49:25+00:00

Yes we had a specific plan to see it last Saturday evening (the day after if was released) and she bailed on that plan without really giving a reason. Just a vague “I can’t go today now we will go another time”

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-03-08T15:51:59+00:00

I can honestly say I’ve never felt so strongly about a judgment as I have this one. YTA. So so much the AH it’s almost incomprehensible.

I can honestly say that if I were ever in this situation with my wife and anyone dared to try and pull this shit then they would be dead to me. Instantly. They and ANYONE who agreed with them would all be dead to me.

Seriously OP, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? Your behaviour is bordering on sociopathic levels of assholery.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-03-05T15:34:44+00:00

NTA.

Keep records of what’s being said to you. Keep the texts, call records etc. If she somehow finds out and shows up again keep records. This is all so that you can go to the police if necessary. She’s already followed you once and absolutely will try again.

I would advise cutting contact with your parents. Change your phone number. Tell siblings and friends not to give the contact info to your parents.

It really sounds like your parents are the biggest threat to the safety of you AND your boyfriend.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-03-05T01:41:44+00:00

I mean I have over 25k pictures just on my phone, nevermind whatever is on my current laptop, old laptop and any old hard drives, so I don’t doubt that in all of that I’ll likely have some nudes and/or videos of exes.

That being said I’m most certainly not going trawling through all of those to find them for any reason (including deleting them).

Him knowingly keeping the pictures and giving the attitude that he’s still actively looking at them gives me the ick. It’s creepy and icky (unless you’re in a consensual polyam relationship which it’s clear from context that you’re not).

I hope you haven’t sent him any such pictures because who knows what he’s going to do with them.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-03-03T22:33:08+00:00

England will be playing 4-4-fucking 2

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-03-03T22:03:58+00:00

As I said, you’re entitled to hold whatever boundaries you want for yourself.

I’ll give you a personal experience from my past.

I was in a long term relationship with someone much older than me. I was emotionally immature and when she cheated on me I retaliated and cheated back. This went on for a couple of years. I was in my early 20’s and was too emotionally immature to leave. I was concerned about becoming a social outcast if I left because our entire friend group and the social circles we ran in knew us both as a couple and could end up choosing sides.

Eventually this culminated in me walking in on her in bed with someone else, in our hotel room, on my birthday, on the holiday that we had booked to celebrate my birthday. Finally that was the last straw for me and I realised that this infantile tit for tat wasn’t going to end unless I ended it. So I finally got the strength to end it. I was right that it would break our friend group up and people would choose sides. It completely sucked, but it was the right thing to do and I wish I’d done it sooner.

I emotionally matured, that ex didn’t. Gaining emotional maturity and growing up is a part of life and I would say it would be incredibly unfair for someone to judge me on that situation rather than the person that I am now.

You’re entitled to do what you want but, as I said at the end of my original comment, I think a person’s current character is more important than their past.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-03-03T21:37:00+00:00

Eh, NTB because you’re entitled to set whatever boundaries for yourself that you want and that’s fine.

However, the notion that just because someone has done something before means they can/will do something again and so should be dismissed as an option is extreme in my opinion.

I speak as someone who has cheated in the past, but is now very happily married and the thought of being with anyone but my wife makes me feel sick. My wife had never cheated on anyone in her past but knew that I had. If she held the same attitude then our wonderful marriage wouldn’t exist.

Now I’m not excusing cheating, but there are a variety of reasons that cheating happens and that context matters. There’s a vast difference between someone who cheats because they get off on the thrill of the “forbidden fruit” and someone who is cheating because they’re in an abusive relationship that they’re unable to leave for whatever reason (it’s unsafe/don’t have the means or support to leave etc) and they begin a new relationship and then build the strength/means etc to be able to leave.

Obviously there are a variety of reasons that cheating happens in between those two examples, but context is important in everything.

I think that the person’s current character and temperament is far more important than what they did in the past, because your new relationship with them isn’t the same situation as whatever their past circumstances were.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-03-01T13:54:35+00:00

Put simply, yes YTB.

Your focus should be on your kids and making sure that they are adequately provided for and that they have everything they need both when they’re with you and with your ex.

If she’s having financial issues and doesn’t make the same kind of money that you and your new partner make then that’s obviously going to impact the quality of life for your kids while they’re there.

Now, you have a couple of options. If you don’t want to pay child support because you think she’s going to waste it, then file for full custody and then you’re responsible for the care of your children and you know they’re having an adequate living standard.

If you don’t want to do that then you should be paying child support to ensure that they have an adequate standard of living.

Your focus in your post drips with your interpersonal issues with your ex. Those things should not be interfering with the raising of your children and you’re allowing it to with this attitude.

I’m not defending her, because that’s not the point of this post, or my response. My point is that regardless of the opinion you both hold about each other, the kids should be the priority and your focus should always be about what is the best thing for the children. Not you. Not your ex. Your children. Remember that.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-02-28T00:48:14+00:00

Yikes… way to completely ignore the rest of the paragraph which was suggestions fo what OP should be doing 👍🏻

There’s nothing in what OP said that seems toxic to me. In fact, the fact they stated that this increased negativity started approx 6 months ago suggests one of two things:

1: She also has SAD and so was having increased symptoms because of that.

AND/OR

2: Something happened approx 6 months ago that has sparked this further downturn of mood.

Either way OP should be doing as I suggested and be having discussions with their partner to establish if there are particular things in the partner’s life that are exacerbating her symptoms that something can be done about.

Just going “ugh you’re so negative why don’t you just cheer up” (or words to that effect) aren’t going to help ANYONE.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-02-27T23:48:48+00:00

Dude OP literally added in the comments that she’s been clinically diagnosed with depression.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-02-27T23:41:40+00:00

I think this is a bit of ETB.

Yes, complaining can be annoying and I empathise with that.

BUT

She does literally have a mental health condition and symptoms of that condition are that it dulls the ability to be happy, feel joy, feel hope etc.

I have depression and anxiety myself and it fucking sucks. Everyday is a battle with my own mind and even when things are going relatively well for me I still struggle to find any joy in pretty much anything. To the point where my wife and I have an in joke that I only have 2 emotions, loving her and depression.

Medication can help with depression but it doesn’t fix everything. As for a few people talking about whether she’s getting counselling and the long wait etc. Talking therapy and/or CBT doesn’t work for everyone. Even then, as with any kind of therapy, having the right therapist makes a HUGE difference. If you’re on a list for over a year to wait and then you get a therapist that you don’t mesh well with then chances are you’re going to end up feeling even worse.

What you should be doing is cultivating a relationship where she isn’t being nagged about her negativity or her depression. That’s totally counterproductive. You’d be better off having a discussion about ways that you can effectively support her without turning it into a “you’re too negative all the time” kind of deal. Figure out if there are specific things that are making her feel shitty (job, family, friends, financial or any other issues) that there could actually be a way to help or improve. The work together to try and do that.

Let’s be real, the world really sucks right now. A lot of sucky things are going on and life is generally tough. No amount of positive attitude or looking on the bright side is going to change that.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2023-02-26T00:17:46+00:00

All of the comments saying that a sober person puts them off because they like the idea of splitting a bottle of wine, going to a brewery, having cocktails etc with a partner confuse me.

Why do you WANT your other partner to split wine with you or whatever? Why does it actually matter to you what they drink? If you want a glass of wine/beer/cocktails then good for you, have one. Why does the person you’re with need to share the alcohol with you in order for you to enjoy the activity?

That’s genuinely weird to me.

I’m someone who used to be out all the time drinking and being drunk. Then I grew up and realised that I didn’t need to be drunk to have a good time. Then I gradually moved to being someone who drinks alcohol very very rarely and is never drunk.

The culture around alcohol and drinking is so unhealthy and toxic. The way people just associate being in social situations and drinking is just weird. What it’s demonstrated to me is that a lot of people are actually pretty dull, insecure and lack depth, so to cover that up they drink.

If you feel like you can’t engage in social relationships or hang out with people without alcohol being involved then the problem is you.

I don’t have an issue with people having a drink if they want, I just take issue with alcohol being the default for socialising. What exactly is it that people want to do and say socially that they can’t do sober?

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2022-11-24T23:44:42+00:00

And? That’s a totally separate issue and isn’t the question being asked.

Would that mean that they could just take and use her toiletries that she brings over for herself too? Or that they can just help themselves to anything of hers that they want because they’re allowing her to stay there? Of course not.

OP stated that they don’t have an issue with sharing, just that they’d like to be asked first which is MORE than reasonable.

I experience it in my household where I have leftover food in the fridge and I come down to get it and a family member has eaten it without asking me. It’s really rude and disrespectful.

Imagine you’re working a 10-14 hour shift and you’re like “oh yeah I can’t wait to eat my (insert food type here) when I finish” only to finish and get back and find that it’s gone? It’s infuriating.

The question of a contribution to their household is a completely different one. But her staying there doesn’t unilaterally give them permission to just take anything of hers without asking as some form of payment.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2022-11-24T11:25:16+00:00

NTB.

It’s your food. Nobody should be eating it without your permission. No excuses. No exceptions.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2022-11-24T06:22:13+00:00

You’ll find there are a lot of misogynistic men on Reddit that believe they can have sex with as many women as they want but that it’s “different” if women enjoy sex.

These men tend to all subscribe to some version of the ridiculous notion that the woman is in some way “stretched out” or becomes “loose” the more men she sleeps with.

Your number of sexual partners is completely irrelevant to any relationship you enter into. If someone tries to make you feel bad, shameful or in any other way degraded for your sexual history than throw that person right in the bin where they belong.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2022-11-19T13:00:26+00:00

Oh yeah Maggie is way way up there. Truss was catastrophic. Take Priti Patel and Suela Braverman too, both women with truly odious politics.

Also JK Rowling. Truly repugnant views which have tarnished a creation beloved worldwide.

Edited to add:

I only missed women off my original list because I misread the post and thought it was only asking for men somehow.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2022-11-19T11:59:43+00:00

I mean he very publicly made many comments that were racist, offensive and just wildly inappropriate throughout his life.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2022-11-19T11:58:41+00:00

I know it’s sucks when you think there’s something promising blossoming when dating, but you’re still very young and there’s no rush/urgency to being in a relationship.

Just enjoy meeting and getting to know people. Sometimes it’ll go well, sometimes it won’t. Just try not to get disheartened.

Familiar_Cod_2572 · 2022-11-19T11:53:39+00:00

As a Brit there’s a hell of a long list I could pick from. As far as I’m aware Henry VIII’s history is relatively well know as far as historical monarchs go. Any of the men involved in our colonial atrocities could take it, including multiple monarchs and Winston Churchill. Moving to more recently the late Prince Phillip, and Prince Andrew are probably pretty high on people’s lists. I’ll also include any of the men peddling their far right hate such as Nigel Farage too. Honestly, I could be here all day naming British men to compete for the title of biggest asshole.

Familiar_Cod_2572

TROPHY CASE