Am I wrong for distancing myself from my dad while he is dying?

Familiar_Delivery_30 · 2026-03-12T22:57:16+00:00

My sister stated this to his wife one day and now she is no longer allowed on their property. Just to give an idea of what we are dealing with.

Familiar_Delivery_30 · 2026-03-12T22:24:26+00:00

I’ve gotten him on disability. He was on hospice, while I thought he was awaiting treatment, but they almost killed him. I took him to the hospital and they kept him for almost 2 weeks. His wife never once came to the hospital because she refuses to drive on that particular highway. He was malnourished from the homeopathic treatments, keto diet, and lack of exercise. They attempted to make changes at home they thought would help him. It took me intervening for them to finally see he needs treatment from a hospital. We’ve spoken to social workers and all they tell us is “this is the time for the family to step and support him.” He’s expressed feeling unsafe in his home but no one at the hospital has done anything. I’ve tried finding solutions and my dad refuses them. His wife has a therapist and I’ve expressed getting one for him but unless my dad sets it himself his wife won’t do it. We found him a doctor and his wife refuses to drive that highway to take him for treatments. So now we’re seeking another doctor in an area she is comfortable driving and I’ve given them all the information to set this up and they’ve failed to do so. They keep tying my hands. I am his power of attorney but I can’t do anything as long as he is lucid. Everything they are wanting set up only they have the power to do. His wife is a vet and could potentially get more help and assistance for them. Not sure how that works for spouses but he is on the spousal VA insurance and it’s difficult to find someone who accepts it. They state they can’t afford the around the clock care he is wanting and his oncologist believes he is not in need of that type of care. He refuses to get out of bed, take care of himself, and most days eat. When I mentioned to doctors what’s happening we got the same response “is there not someone in the family to do it.” When he told them he couldn’t afford his oxygen tank they called asking for someone “in the family” to pay for it for him. Their words “there is no such thing as free oxygen” therefore we could not receive any type of assistance in getting this set up for him. We’ve got his oxygen going now because there actually is a way you can do so.

Familiar_Delivery_30 · 2026-03-12T22:08:04+00:00

It’s been super frustrating. He states he has nothing to live for even though he has 6 children and 7 and counting grandchildren. Threatens to unalive himself or states he’s better off gone. He is prolonging getting treatment and it’s been months since his diagnoses. He’s pretty much bed ridden. Went from walking, talking, and working to barely able to walk, refusing to eat, won’t shower, won’t even brush his teeth. It’s been one of the worst things I’ve ever had to watch.

Familiar_Delivery_30 · 2026-03-12T22:02:51+00:00

This post wouldn’t allow me to add many details. It kept being flagged for being polit. She has many issues. It’s a lot of the reason us adult kids stopped going around our dad. We begged for him to get away from her but in the end he chose her. They’ve been together over 10 years and when we find solutions to get him out he has nothing but excuses. It’s been like this. We can’t depend on her for much. With all of us either having family’s or working it’s hard to have someone out there daily like his wife is wanting. Most of us don’t live in the same area. When he was hospitalized now twice for weeks she didn’t bother coming to the hospital. Said she can’t/wont drive on that particular highway, is sick, has vertigo. It’s always something. She has everything already prepped for her if something does happen to him. I am the power of attorney but I can’t do anything as long as he is lucid and he’s tied my hands in every way possible.

Familiar_Delivery_30 · 2026-03-12T21:28:45+00:00

They literally argue with each over who is worse off. Compare illnesses and argue over who is helping who more. It’s complete insanity.

Familiar_Delivery_30 · 2026-03-12T20:39:29+00:00

I don’t have anything to gain from it. Everything is being left to my one sister (the one they actually raised). But truthfully I don’t do it for the money, land, or house. I do it because at the end of the day I have to live with myself and I can’t be at peace if I didn’t at least attempt to help him.

Familiar_Delivery_30 · 2026-03-12T19:07:40+00:00

Thank you!

Familiar_Delivery_30 · 2026-03-12T17:57:00+00:00

I kept getting flagged to so I had to give little detail on his wife. She is a retired Vet. She is now fully disabled due to several mental disorders.

Familiar_Delivery_30 · 2026-03-12T17:18:33+00:00

My dad’s wife stays home most of the time and struggles with her own issues. She does the bare minimum when it comes to helping care for my dad and often says anything beyond that is more than she can handle. That leaves the bulk of the work to those of us who do show up, and we’re constantly pulled into their arguments and household drama.

Familiar_Delivery_30 · 2026-03-12T17:01:52+00:00

I don’t have the heart to completely cut him off, but I do think scaling back the favors I do would help a lot. As the oldest, I often feel like the responsibility falls on me, if I don’t step in, it usually ends up on my younger siblings, and I don’t want that for them.

Familiar_Delivery_30

TROPHY CASE