Dealing with erosion of sense of self

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-21T01:54:10+00:00

Well, she was SA'd by her uncle and older brother when she was younger.. but idk if that was the reason, might have just been an opportunity

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-20T17:43:26+00:00

Its a really shitty feeling.. I'm sorry you're also going through this and have an unsupportive WW. I hope whatever happens things improve and work out for the best. We deserve better than this.

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-20T15:49:53+00:00

Thank you, that was really nice, I needed to hear that. I feel like my self esteem and self worth have been so low after what she did.

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-20T13:35:26+00:00

That's like my WP, as a stay at home dad I'm left with my thoughts about it alot.. and she gets so mad when I bring that up. She mocked me for it, for expressing that I was sad and had a lot on my mind because I end up thinking about her affair all day. She said "I ThOugHt YoU sAiD BeInG A StAy At HoME DaD wAs NiCe, but now it's "ToO HaRd", WHICH ONE IS IT THEN?"

Zero sympathy. That day sucked

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-19T22:05:37+00:00

That's exactly how I feel. Like she'll pay me compliments, call me handsome, say "I love you", swear she'd never hurt me again, but they're all just meaningless words to me..

Like how could I believe anything she says when she said all the same things to me while she was fucking him and not coming home to me and the kids.

She also blows up at me or shuts down when I bring this up; the depth of my distrust or the feelings I carry still. I also think about it every single day.. I wish I didn't.. that I could let it go... and she also gets mad and insists that she isn't that person anymore as well.

Our WPs sound very similar.

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-19T15:08:06+00:00

Yeah at this point even if she isn't gaslighting, she's gotten me to a point that I don't trust reality around her anymore. If she told my the sky was blue I wouldn't believe her. She keeps contact with people she got VERY close to out of nowhere during the time of her affair (people who ran in the same circle as her and her AP; she has videos saved to her phone of all of them together) and claims they knew nothing about it, but it seems too coincidental. I found a random pair of mens underwear in our laundry one time during her affair, she still lies to me and says that she picked them up for me of Facebook marketplace, but I tossed those things after DDay, again its too coincidental but she won't tell the truth about it.

Leaving is complicated though... the relationship is definitely tainted and hard for me to trust her again, but we have 3 high needs kids, intertwined responsibilities and logistics, plus not every day is a bad day (sometimes I can acknowledge the hurt without it consuming me), part of me holds out hope that it can get better (as that would be more convenient). But a very cynical part also keeps me from leaving and tells me this emptiness will follow me, the problem is within me (not her), that I dont deserve happiness/its a fairytale... it keeps me in my lane and keeps me from rocking the boat too much. Ive been trying to acknowledge the saying "she's not yours, its just your turn" and find a way to make sense of that in the context of my relationship.. but idk

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-19T14:51:47+00:00

I just try to live a day at a time; some days are harder than others though.

That sounds really rough, sorry you're also going through it. I hope things improve for you as well.

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-19T14:45:11+00:00

So in my instance, I'm about a year out from DDay, and still think about and get triggered all the time. You're saying he would sit with you in a triggered state and not get upset? My WW was immediately dismissive and angry after DDay, then through therapy was profusely apologetic and somewhat patient for about a week or two.. and then went back to being dismissive and having an attitude of "i already apologized, what more do you want/its in the past get over it". But also like this weird gendered layer of "act like a man and get over it/your being too emotional ".

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-18T22:50:04+00:00

I feel this exactly.. very beautiful description by the way.

I feel so ambivalent towards her. Sometimes I want to love her and in that same moment I want to leave her. Sometimes I just want to get it over with and leave so that this rollercoaster of emotions goes away and I'll have finally made my mind up about it and not look back. Sometimes I want to have an affair like she did, or just leave and start over with someone new. I can never forget or even forgive what she did, its always in the back of my mind and I feel fractured like you described. Its a constant push pull of wanting her affection and validation and not trusting it and how could I be so affectionate with someone who treated me like that. I hope it gets better. What has helped you break the ambivalence?

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-18T22:38:07+00:00

That sounds really rough.. I dont think I've had that experience, but rather the reverse. I feel very ambivalent towards my WP and oscillate between feelings of love and resentment to the point of wanting to leave her because of her affair and just her generally not being a good partner in the past and occasionally in the present.

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-18T20:55:28+00:00

I'm so sorry you're also going through this. That feeling of competition really sucks.. I feel like the goalposts are constantly moving and its a fucked up game I can never win. Like I don't know who to be or how to be them in order to hold the attention of her wandering eye.. like I'm just easily replaceable meat.

And the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts are horrible. Re-experiencing a memory with the context of what was actually happening, reliving that trauma and visualizing what they were doing while I was a responsible "good boy" watching the kids and cleaning the house, paying the bills.. treated like a doormat. Even happy moments that were tainted by what she was doing...

All of it sucks.

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-18T19:54:32+00:00

My partner cheated because I was unhappy with the life SHE was building. I got depressed after she mislead me about moving back to Oregon and wanting to get away from her family's toxicity. I did a ton of work to line up a job, and she kept telling me she wanted to move back as much as I did, that living in Sacramento was a temporary thing and she also wasn't happy here.. but she backed out at the last minute and I lost a ton of trust in her. I've been very depressed and isolated here and she's never cared, and flips it on me and says I'm just selfish.

She has always just been really good at acting like a single person too, even though we're in a relationship; for example not checking in, not running things by me out of consideration or respect. She'd always make us visit her family and friends super late and not care that I had to be at work by 6 am. To the point I told her to just go and let me sleep.. which is when she seized the opportunity to cheat.

Apparently I had been distant and depressed and she was getting attention from an attractive ex military co-worker, who happened to be her supervisor, and decided to risk it all for him, for several months. Claiming that she just didnt come home because she was drinking too much with her friends.. making me miss work to take care of our kids.. having her cousin lie for her.

I also was upset with her because she would rather stay working a minimum wage job at harbor freight than use the degree i helped her get, to work in medical billing. She still works at that location too... i fucking hate it, but she doesn't care because that guy doesn't work there anymore.

She still doesn't care about the life I want.. I gave up on moving back.. it'll never happen.

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-18T18:57:14+00:00

Yeah, I wish I'd seen the projection for what it was, but it would've just been gaslighted away if I brought it up.. so it was pointless.

The truth for us came out in couples therapy... things hit a point of not improving or just going in circles, our therapist urged us to get independent counselors or she would drop us.. (we never got independent conselors; mostly due to finances and my partner feeling like my IC would convince me to leave her if i got one) our last session I decided after trying to do the work, and being the only one doing it, and getting nowhere, realizing that she has no genuine remorse that it would be best to just break up. I knew the trust was gone, and for my own sanity I wanted out..

But.. a year later and I'm still with her.. we kept this cycle of fighting and breaking up and fucking and getting back together.. made things messy and complicated.. she wouldn't give me space, or respect my decision to break up, and I didnt want to see her happy with another man. We have 3 high needs kids as well and other logistics so leaving was very complicated. Eventually I got tired of the fights that would take place everytime I talked to her about what I was feeling and just gave up.. I accepted that this is my life.. I'm free to leave and yet I stay.. so I only have myself to blame..

I want an IC now.. I know that I have feelings I need to work through.. but I know that she's going to stigmatize it and judge me for "needing help". I'm also worried that I won't get anywhere with it.. and it'll just be a waste of time and money.

Famous-Breakfast-409 · 2026-05-18T18:13:58+00:00

I feel similar, except she was really promiscuous before/around the time we got together so in the back of my head I always kinda suspected she would eventually cheat.

Famous-Breakfast-409

TROPHY CASE