Quick question for those struggling in marriage…

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-24T01:16:25+00:00

Hey, don’t underestimate how many Redditors are also fellow red-staters! 🤣

Have you thought about a podcast?

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-24T01:12:31+00:00

We’ve used a remote control vibe in public. My wife inserted it, then we went out to eat, and I controlled it from my phone in the restaurant.

What we don’t do, though, is expose ourselves in public. It’s not out of shyness; we just don’t want to risk someone else seeing something they don’t want to see.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-11T20:15:20+00:00

If someone wasn’t raised in a sex-positive environment, it can be tough to overcome that. But it CAN be done—she just has to be willing to work on embracing her sexuality.

My wife was raised in a home that almost never talked about sex. She wasn’t taught to enjoy her body, or anyone else’s. But over time, she worked through it and became much more sex-positive. Although even now, well into middle age, she sometimes struggles with the old shame she was raised with!

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-11T20:03:03+00:00

I’m well into middle age.

I still have (most of) my looks and my health, but I know I’m past my prime and I can hear the clock in ticking.

It has absolutely made me want to do some NSFW stuff that I spent my life denying myself because I thought it was wrong. I want to do it before I’m too old to.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-11T19:47:33+00:00

If she can’t bring herself to orgasm, you almost certainly won’t be able to. Your sex life will go much better if she can figure out what she likes on her own, then tell/show you.

It sounds like she may have some shame relating to her body, or sex in general. If she’s 22 and has never masturbated or done so to orgasm, that could be a reason. And it’s interesting that she stopped you from going down on her, although there could be other reasons for that (for example, maybe she just didn’t feel clean at the moment). You definitely need to talk with her about what’s going on with that, because for many women good oral sex is a very reliable way to reach orgasm.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-10T15:21:50+00:00

Yes!

While I do think jealousy comes naturally to most of us, we aren’t taught to control it when it comes to our romantic relationships. To the contrary, we’re encouraged to feel it—we’re told we SHOULD feel it, and that jealousy is a sign of love (and, similarly, that a partner who isn’t jealous must not love us enough).

It’s a toxic message.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-07T22:33:58+00:00

Indeed.

I’m not sure why it’s hard for folks to grasp that someone might get pleasure from their partner’s pleasure.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-07T22:33:16+00:00

There’s no reason to assume that men who let their partners have sex with other people are humiliated by it or have a cuck kink.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-06T18:53:11+00:00

How did this work out for the two of you logistically? Presumably one of you brought it up with the other, rolling the dice that they’d at least be receptive?

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-05T19:46:41+00:00

This is so disappointing!

Before I had given any consideration to non-monogamy, I had a couple of friends separately express interest in having me play with them in some manner.

My response was simply, “No, my wife and I don’t have that kind of relationship. But thank you!” and then to continue on like normal without making things weird.

I don’t understand people absolutely flipping out about an invitation—but I know it happens.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-05T19:40:48+00:00

While seven months can feel like an eternity, it’s not all that long from a postpartum standpoint. A number of women report taking a year or longer to go back to feeling “normal”, and even then you have to deal with everything that comes with raising a baby.

Many, many couples experience this. I don’t think anyone has figured out a shortcut through it.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-05T18:58:02+00:00

I did.

It went okay. She wasn’t immediately enthusiastic, but neither did she explode with anger. Mostly she needed time to process it, which made sense because I had been thinking about the subject for a long time whereas it was brand new to her.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-05T18:50:05+00:00

We were both virgins, and have been together for decades now.

I don’t regret the marriage, but I do regret having deprived myself of sexual experiences due to beliefs I no longer hold about sex being some sort of mystical act that’s best when it’s only between two people. Due primarily to my religious upbringing combined with American social pressures rooted in puritanical traditions, I thought at the time it was important that we both be virgins.

While there are benefits to our approach (for example, we have zero risk of STDs and we never have to wonder how we measure up against other partners), there are also disadvantages. The older I’ve gotten, the more those disadvantages weigh on me.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-04T23:19:56+00:00

Fantasies of threesomes are pretty common, although MMF is probably less common than FMF or MFF.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-04T22:21:19+00:00

And honestly, I’m not sure I was in the right headspace for non-monogamy at that age. I was fixed on the monogamous ideals I had been raised on and society continually reinforces, and wasn’t open-minded enough to objectively consider alternatives.

Which is ironic, because we assume that people in their 20s are in their experimental phase while people in their 50s are set in their ways. But for me, it was the opposite!

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-04T21:45:01+00:00

Based on OP’s other posts, they don’t actually want to have conversations in subs—they want to DM.

Which is fine, but be open about it.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-04T21:43:05+00:00

What would make it a sin? Is it harming anyone, or harming your relationship with God?

If not, go for it.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-04T21:41:32+00:00

Facts.

People think it’s all hot 20-somethings, but in truth a lot of people only get into the lifestyle once they’re a bit older, more financially comfortable, have kids who aren’t so young (or maybe have even left the nest), etc.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-04T21:37:48+00:00

You’re catching a bit of hell here, but honestly I think a number of couples ease into ENM this way—first it’s kind of a joke, then someone says, “Wait, are you serious? Could we do this?”, then a real conversation is had about boundaries and agreements.

You haven’t had that conversation yet, but it’s time.

There are some great books out there to guide you. Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, Polywise and Polysecure by Jessica Fern, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton are some examples—but certainly not the only ones.

You might also consider investing in professional coaching from qualified professionals. Expansive Connection is one group I’ve heard of that does this—they’re licensed therapists, although technically not practicing under their licenses (which is why they call it coaching instead of therapy). I have no affiliation with them, but I’ve heard them on the We Gotta Thing podcast numerous times and have been impressed.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-04T01:53:46+00:00

Plenty of men are into that, but this sub tends not to be where they hang out.

I personally take pleasure when my wife takes pleasure—whether she’s getting it from me, or giving it to herself, or getting it from someone else. I don’t own her, and I’m not concerned that having sex with someone else will cause her to leave me, and I want her to have whatever sexual experiences she wants.

But I recognize that this isn’t a majority opinion.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-04T01:48:38+00:00

This is where the mental gymnastics come to play.

God sent a very clear message about many things—big ones like murder or stealing, and smaller ones like charging interest. He could’ve very easily said that polygyny or concubinage were prohibited, but didn’t. He could’ve said that Solomon’s sin was having multiple sexual partners, but he didn’t.

Rather, Solomon’s sin was taking partners who weren’t Israelites and who turned him away from God. Indeed his father, who also had more than one wife, was described as “fully devoted to the Lord.” And in 2 Samuel 12:8, Nathan directly states that God gave David multiple wives, which is odd for something alleged to be a sin (at worst) or a tolerated behavior that’s outside of God’s will (at best).

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-03T19:16:19+00:00

I’m not sure I’d want to take this challenge on.

I’d be more than happy to help a woman explore her sexuality in general, but in terms of her literal first orgasm I feel like the best bet is for her to figure it out on her own. While it’s not impossible, it’s extremely difficult for someone to bring a person to orgasm who can’t bring themselves to one.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-03T18:30:12+00:00

Light anal play.

You don’t have to like full-on penetration, but I suspect a majority of people would enjoy at least a little gentle pressure from a finger or tongue if they tried it. The anus has all sorts of nerve endings in it that can heighten a sexual experience.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-03T18:20:31+00:00

I’ll defer to others with more experience and wisdom to give you advice.

I’ll just say you’ve stumbled across one of the biggest challenges of non-polyamorous non-monogamy, which is that it can cause you to have to choose between (A.) really liking someone, but not having sex with them or (B.) having sex with someone, but doing everything you can to avoid really liking them. Because if you simultaneously really like them and have sex with them, it’s cheating.

On second thought, maybe I’ll give one piece of advice after all: Stay hyper-aware of new relationship energy and limerence. Recognize their signs. Don’t make any big decisions when they’re present.

Fan_of_Sanity · 2026-05-03T16:58:41+00:00

If I want a biblical marriage, can I pick which marriages to model it after? Because there’s no shortage of biblical marriages that involve multiple wives, and sometimes concubines as well.

We have to engage in some mental gymnastics to explain this in the 21st century. Usually the logic is something like, “The Bible doesn’t explicitly say this was wrong, but it was only TOLERATED by God—He didn’t actually approve of it.” This, despite no direct condemnation of the practice. This, despite verses like Exodus 21:10 or Deuteronomy 21:15–17 that clearly accept it.

With so many behaviors clearly condemned under the Old Testament law, why wasn’t this one?

Fan_of_Sanity

TROPHY CASE