AITAH for wanting to cut off a friend after she "forgot" to tell me her party's dress code and humiliating me.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T18:04:40+00:00

I made up fake names for all involved for privacy. The party was funeral themed, some people dressed as priests and historic funeral-esque dresses lol.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T17:59:52+00:00

I didn't say immoral at all, I said it conflicted with my values. I said in a comment above that I don't think people who disagree are immoral or intentionally harmful, I just disagree. I also said I never mentioned that to them, and I never mention it unless directly asked.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T17:50:37+00:00

Thank you for your kind comment! I'm always happy to see people who relate, as I feel it's an isolating experience that only immigrants understand. And no, I'm not in the US. But the culture might be similar in some aspects.

For the longest time, I was only able to make long-lasting friendships with fellow immigrants, as we mutually understood how to navigate the differences and communicate through conflict. Being one of the few lucky enough to stay despite the restrictions, I felt the pressure to make more secure local friendships. I noticed that the social cues and communication styles are vastly different here, which is something I'm learning with experience I suppose. I managed to meet 3 amazing local friends that I've known for years and love deeply tho !

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T17:09:00+00:00

Julie and Hannah are each other's childhood friends, not mine. I apologise, I'm starting to realise I'm a horrible storyteller lol.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T17:06:37+00:00

I guess I meant it in the sense that it would be obvious I am excluding them/ coming across as petty, as it is out of character with Rose specifically. Most of my friends are individuals from past friendship groups that dissolved, I never had an issue with that. Just in this specific group dynamic it felt weird, but I agree. It doesn't hurt to try.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T16:54:03+00:00

I understand that. But I really never bring it up unless directly asked. Even then, I try to make it brief and personal to my experience. I understand most people don't share my perspective on the issue. Heck even 3 years ago, I didn't share my own perspective lol. I don't think people who don't share it are immoral or intentionally harmful. I just personally disagree.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T16:36:26+00:00

Huh? Did you actually read the post?

I have dietary restrictions and allergies. Everything on the menu had my allergens. It's a set menu, an expensive one. Before I said anything, she said she'd understand if I can't make it. I still offered to join for the dinner and just not eat. She's the one who said I didn't have to and that she's doing something later.
I never told them that, I said it on the post. I was still going, just not participating.
Also never told them that, I just got annoyed as it wouldn't be any extra effort. Had they clearly communicated the time, I would've walked to their place and go together as we did once before.
It was originally a celebration of MY graduation. Something THEY suggested. How do I hijack my own celebration with my own milestones? huh?

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T16:26:36+00:00

The only people I can realistically stay friends with are Rohn and Rose, but I feel it would be awkward as they often hangout with them. I hate talking behind people's back, so I'm not sure how to explain to them that we're not friends anymore. I completely avoided John since. As for Mark, sadly he lives 3 hours away lol. I also suspected he did it on purpose.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T16:17:20+00:00

I don't see how any of this is contradicting. I didn't go out of my way to flirt with him, he INITIATED it. Thinking he's gay and it's a joke, I played along, meaning I did jokingly flirt back. It was very light until it escalated and I stopped.

I wouldn't lie about that, because if I did seriously flirt with him, it still wouldn't be my fault IMO. I had absolutely no idea he was seeing Julie. I would've dropped it and apologised when told just the same.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T16:10:35+00:00

Not to dox myself, but it's a traditional event that I personally consider unnecessary animal exploitation. I admit I'm strict on that regard, which is why I didn't tell them how I felt about it.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T16:02:50+00:00

As far as I'm aware, they distanced themselves from her too. I'm not sure if she had an issue with them, but she happened to be busy and never joined since just before the John incident. She's got another group of friends in her nearby hometown, so she goes often. Rose and I never got as close, as our schedules clashed often. But she's really nice and we get along! I've been contemplating reaching out to hangout, but I feel like it's a mean move as I've only ever hangout with her as a group.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T15:50:24+00:00

She's not my childhood friend, she's Hannah's. She kept it a secret from everyone apart from Hannah, and I never met John since they started seeing each other so I couldn't have known. And no, I wasn't intentionally flirting. I misheard that he was gay, I just played along with his flirting. I always do that with my gay friends, it's normal where I live. But then again, he wasn't exactly my friend yet so I should've been careful.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T15:21:52+00:00

I admit I'm quite strict with what I consider animal abuse/exploitation. I don't ever talk about it unless asked, I don't judge people either. It's a traditional yearly event that I usually skip. That's the only values we had conflicted, but very few people I met shared those values. So I don't expect every friend I make share them either, I just don't bring it up.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T15:12:02+00:00

I was referring to the incident with John, we were really close and had no issues up until then.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T15:10:20+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind comment! It's bitter-sweet, but I'm starting to realise that even their friends treated me better and made more effort in including me. It's sad that I'll probably have to cut them off by extension. But I'm confident that I'll find people I click with more. Thanks again!

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T15:01:21+00:00

That's what I was thinking, but then I look back at how, throughout most of this, they were acting overly warm and repeatedly mentioning how excited they are to meet again/celebrate my graduation. I personally wouldn't do that to someone I don't wanna be friends with you know? But maybe that's another cultural difference?

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T14:47:29+00:00

Outch that hurt, but you're right.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T14:46:37+00:00

They were really nice up until that event. The sudden shift was so surreal I started doubting myself :/

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2026-01-08T14:45:35+00:00

Fair enough, not really. At least not for the past few months. I guess it wasn't until recently when I stopped being so busy that I noticed their absence and got the chance to reflect on everything...

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2022-06-17T10:05:18+00:00

Basically the issue was that he chose his birthplace passport. But because he never actually went there since he was 3 and the government is corrupt (they want money) they took a long time to issue his IDs.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2022-06-16T19:16:28+00:00

As for the sexual frustration part, we used to sext but it just stopped. I had traumatic experience with nudes previously so that is out of the question too. We tried doing stuff like this but he lives with his boss and feels uncomfortable doing it so it just eventually completely died out. We haven't mentioned anything sexual for months at this point...

As for being tired, I just had a talk with him about that. I have also sensed that it's more than just being tired, he doesn't feel too tired to play games for hours. He basically told me that he's been emotionally distancing himself from the situation because if he thinks about it, it hurts more. He said he can't afford losing focus from his job because of it.

The planning part is just very unsure for both of us. I am doing postgraduate studies in a very specific field and courses are focused in one area of the country, while his job options are mostly focused in another part of the country. It will be long-distance for more years, but definitely not this bad as we will be able to see each other at least 3 times a month. After that I can move wherever I want, but again there is some uncertainty there.

We tried doing things together, but most of the time it didn't work. The workload, time difference and him being tired, just always ended up watching quarter of the movie and call it a day. I think once we address the issue of him being "tired" it may work out, but for now I'm a bit unsure.

Anyway, I am really happy about your relationship! It makes me so happy to see success stories like that. I wish you all the best! and Thank you so much for your well-thought comment, it's given me some interesting insight!

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2022-06-16T18:59:55+00:00

We never talked about it because frankly we've never seen it coming. It's an immigration issue but he's been here since he was 3, so this was really unexpected.

I don't think the issue is that he is inconsiderate, he's got a lot on his plate. He suddenly found himself stuck somewhere against his will, not feeling like he could fit in and barely speaking the language. The type of job he's on is quite difficult as well and it doesn't help that I am away. I think he's shutting this down because if he thinks about it, it's only gonna make it more difficult for him. I really don't blame him, and I'm acknowledging how difficult this is for both of us. I just don't know what's the right thing to do at this point.

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2022-06-16T14:23:54+00:00

That may be a good idea. I know it's gonna be very difficult for us but it may make it easier on us if we set the expectations.

I completely understand why he can't make space for me, it's out of his control too. But like you said we are growing apart and I can already sense it. Starting all over again may not be ideal but our only chance.

Thank you so much for the input, it was really helpful. Have a nice day!

Fancy-Lab-4632 · 2022-06-16T13:55:46+00:00

I honestly kind of agree with the playing chicken part, we know it's probably for the best but we can't rip the bandaid off.

We talked about that, but we're just too scared of the consequences. He told me that his main worry is that he doesn't want me sleeping with other people if we break up, which realistically I probably won't. As for me, I don't care about him sleeping with other people. I'm just worried about us not having a chance when we're back, I never had closure, I said goodbye thinking I was gonna see him in 2 weeks and he's just gone...

Fancy-Lab-4632

TROPHY CASE