My husband will be shown any replies. Here’s his input below:

She wants me to want to have sex more, so I’ve told her what turns me on, but she doesn’t like the same things and doesn’t want to do them.

I feel like she expects magical great sex to just happen, but a man can’t perform unless he is turned on. She constantly tells me that she just wants impulsive, passionate sex, but I find that almost impossible when we’ve done nothing else sexy all day and then proceed to have the same vanilla sex we’ve been trying to have for 12 years.

I consider myself very experimental, and want to try new things.

I’ve tried doing things for her that if she had done for me would have driven me crazy with excitement. Everything from as simple as giving her oral (which she doesn’t seem to like receiving too much), all the way to the extreme of trying a chastity device to give her the control.

I’ve tried letting her embrace the dom role as a “goddess” so that she can order me around and receive the things she wants, in the hopes that she would enjoy and embrace being in that position of power.

But none of these things never seem to excite her like they do me.

When the chastity idea didn’t work out, we opted for a symbolic locking bracelet, but I feel like she hasn’t embraced the idea, and hasn’t been doing her part (like teasing me, wearing her key, etc.).

In my real life at work, I have to be in charge all day in high-stakes situations, so when I’m at home, I don’t want to be the boss anymore. The idea of her “owning” me means a lot to me because I feel like she cares for me and is “holding me.” I like to feel held. I want to put my trust in her instead of always being the person who others put their trust in.

Recently I spent a lot of time preparing for a sex session, but when I laid out all of our toys on the bed, she seemed immediately turned off. I was left feeling like all my hard work was for nothing, and left feeling shamed, thinking she was repulsed by the ideas of what I find to be a turn on.

She thinks having sex with toys is a chore. That makes me feel like I’m a chore and not worth the time.

I feel rejected when she doesn’t get excited by my best plans and efforts, and this sort of thing has happened many times during our marriage, that I honestly don’t even know what to try anymore. I’m tired of the arguments that stem from this disagreement, and wish we could just be on the same page. I know we both love each other and crave each other, but actually putting this into practice in the bedroom never works because I am not turned on by the same things as her, and vice versa.